No Time for Love

Chapter 11: Acceptance

Okay, I really love all of The Strivers Row poets but I posted this one because she was talking real shit. You Gone Get This Work by Jasmine Mans
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If at first you don't succeed
Dust yourself off and try it again
You can dust it off and try again

Aaliyah x Try Again

I was going to tell him. I was going to spill the fucking beans and I didn't even care. I didn't know if it was out of nerves or if I just wanted to get the weight off my chest, but in that moment nothing was going to stop me from telling him. Until Black came. It was just when he was standing there, my mind went blank and the only thing I could think was, nothing was ever going to be the same. But at the end of the day, I was glad I was interrupted from my own destruction. It just wasn't the right place to tell him, but I swore, no matter where, no matter when, I was going to tell him the very next time I saw him. And nothing was going to fucking stop me.

"It sounds like someone is changin' they tune."

I flipped my head back to look up at Mama. She was in her bed. I was in my chair - the usual.

"Yeah. Well, I had time to think about it. I mean look where my life ended up without a father... a fucking mess."

I wasn't completely on terms with the situation. I still didn't want DJ and his drama to come in and just fucking flip my world even more than it is. But a part of me had hope... shit, that was almost all I had. Apart from the streets, DJ still had a heart, right? Maybe he could see that it's time to fucking give up and that there were more important things, like his child.

"You just young, Alexia. You just haven't figured things out yet. You still have time." Mama said giving my hand an extra squeeze.

"That's the problem. I don't have time. Since I had Dalion, time has been flying by and with... with everything that's going on," I said cautiously "Time just goes faster"

I tried not to look at her because I knew she understood what I was trying to say. I'm not blaming her for anything. It's just that since she got sick, nothing else around me matters anymore and time slows down for no one.

"Alexia, do not tell me that you are throwing away everything for me." I didn't look at her. "Now you not gonna use me as an excuse for you to walk around all sad. Nobody is telling you to worry about me and nobody is forcing you to break your neck, just to come see me everyday. You think you can use me as some type of escape so you have a reason to give up on everything else. And how do you suppose this is going to work out? One day I'm not gonna be here, so what are you going to do then?"

For some reason everything else she said flew out the window but it was one part that got to me and it hit me hard.

"Why the fuck do you always do that!" I yelled at her. "Please just fuckin' stop! Can we just get through one fuckin' conversation without you throwing that shit in my fuckin' face? I get it! You not gonna be here no more! One day you just not gonna wake up and you gonna be gone! You gonna fuckin' die! Alright! I get it! So, please stop. Please."

She wanted me to accept something that I didn't want to accept. She kept trying to pull me out of this void but I didn't want her help. I knew what was happening. I knew. But just for the time I had left with her, I just wanted to think that everything was fucking okay. But every fucking day, she brings it up and I have to remember that there is no escaping this shit. But just because she's fine with it, it doesn't mean that everyone else is. I wish she would let it the fuck go.

Tears brimmed my eyes as I got up from my chair and grabbed my purse.

"Love you, Mama." I whispered to her and kissed her forehead.