So Close But So Far

it was all in my head

Maya's P.O.V.

I had finally showered and I no longer looked like a panda.

The walk home with Hudson was awkward and quiet, what had happened still hadn't hit me.

But it did once I got to Jackson's. It was all I could think about.

We were so close.

But of course, I had to ruin it.

I walked down the stairs, Jackson, Holly and Hudson were having a conversation.

I was about to open the living room door when I heard my name.

"You definitely like Maya," said Jackson in a teasing manner. "You suck at hiding it."

"What? Maya?" Hudson snorted. My whole body froze. "Come on, Jackson, out of all people, her?"

"I thought you knew me better than that," he scoffed.

I retraced my steps, heading back for my room.

My heart felt heavy as I closed my bedroom door, sliding against it.

How could I have been so stupid?

It was like my brain had gone on holiday.

That was the only explanation for me not using it.

I knew how boys were, and I knew there was a chance that Hudson only said that to make sure Jackson believed him.

But I also knew how evil and heartless some boys were.

How could I have been so naive?

I let this guy in!

I never let people in.

My head felt dizzy and my emotions were everywhere as I rested my head on my knees and sat against the door.

I remembered the nights Ayanna would come crying, heartbroken, because of one her boyfriends.

And I remembered how I told myself that day to never ever date.

The way she was acting was scary, terrifying.

I never wanted to go through that.

Funny how I completely forgot until this day.

It wasn't like we were dating.

But I was for sure falling for him.

And I thought he was falling for me too.

He gave me signs.

But when I really thought about it, I felt pathetic.

There was no real hardcore proof that he even liked me back.

It was all in my head.

I was so sure that I would never do something like this, something so stupid.

'Love is torture, trust me'. I remembered my friend Christina telling me when she caught her boyfriend cheating.

I was angry with myself more than anything.

I'd never had real feelings for a guy.

I never wanted to.

He was so unexpected.

At the same time, I silently thanked myself for realising how stupid I had been.

I was glad I looked like a panda when he was about to kiss me.

If I did let him kiss me, I would be furious right now.

I was glad he said that to Jackson.

If he didn't, I would still not have realised how pathetic I was being and I could've hurt myself.