A Freshman's Journal

Entry 2: Sexualty

Who the fuck knows?

In my near 19 years of life, I have had one relationship. That lasted less than two months, probably less than one month (I don't actually remember) and he was dip-shit.

I've yet to have my first kiss, I'm a virgin, and I'm in college. It's kind of weird.

A lot of the times I find myself near or in conversations involving sex in some way, and I'm just over off in the distance, hanging out and entertaining myself or sitting in comfortable silence with myself.

I don't know much about all of the different sexuality's, so I have a list pulled up, explaining what they are. I'm going to read it and whatever seems to describe me or suit me, I'll put down. And yeah, I get that some of these are unneccessary because they are then put into other titles, but whatever. This is me.

Hetero

Homo

Bi

Pan

Demi

I get that I could just put in Demisexual and that would basically explain everything. Here's the thing though:

I don't fucking know.

I'm in the mentality that I will like who I like, whether the person's a he, she, they, or anything.

The cause of this sudden talk of my sexuality? Theatre.

I'm in the tech crew at my school, painting, and there are two actors that are rather attractive.

The first one, his name is Chandler. He is tall, cute, wears some dope glasses, and apparently the first time we met he was drunk. Which that makes sense, because he was watching animal planet and listening to trap music (which is actually pretty fun and the music oddly goes well with the video). He plays D&D a lot too, apparently.

The second one, her name is Emma. She might be going by they and them pretty soon, and that's cool. She, like me, is still figuring it out. She also wears some dope glasses, and she is really cool. We met like a week ago for a tech thing. She has a really funny personality.

The problem?

I don't know either of them very well, and I know myself even less. I guess that is why I came to college though, to figure myself out.

Here's something along the lines of this, sort of.

First of all, I love my dad. He is the best person I've ever met, while simultaneously being the worst.

If I want him to be happy, then the only person I can date is a white male, preferably rich.

I know, okay? I know just how racist and sexist and homophobic he is more than anyone. He's my dad. He's 57 though, and he was raised by incredibly racist people who shaped and hardened his opinion of the world and people.

I more than likely will not end up with Chandler, as he is a 5th year senior, and that's cool. I also more than likely will not end up with Emma, as she is, I'm pretty sure, in a relationship.

I'm on a long and painful train to figuring myself out, aren't I?