my icy blues

I sat shivering, alone under a bridge in new jersey (where I live). If you're wondering why im out alone at 3am in November, I'd like to point out that I came out with my boyfriend and his friends earlier on, but then he buggered off and left me by myself. He was smoking some shit -I have no idea what, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less- and i wanted nothing to do with it.

The thing is, this always happens when I go out with him and I hate it. He forgets i exist, he ignores me, makes me feel small and unimportant. Well, maybe I was. That's why I don't break up with him, if I'm honest. I think I can't get anyone else. Funny thing is, I wouldn't mind being single, I just want someone I can be close with and can have fun with, is that to much to ask, god damn it.

He said he would've been back an hour ago but there was no sign of him anywhere. Ruddy typical. I pulled my numb body off of the muddy ground and dusted off my jeans. Great, my last clean pair of black skinnies where covered in animal crap and cigarette ash. Boy, if my mother could see me now, huh.

After about half an hour I was on a bus home, finally. Funny how I felt somewhat more uncomfortable here than I did at the bridge, I mean at least there I was alone and there wasn't an old creepy man giving me death stares for no fucking reason.

I got to my front door and checked the time; 4:15am. Fuck, mum was gonna be pissed if she's up. I crept in and managed to get to my room without anyone hearing me, thank jesus.

I cried.

This was always the end result of a date with him. After all the rush and hassle, after elbowing past druggies and dealers looking for him, after the police car keeps driving past us and I can breathe again. After all the worring about my self and him, after the paranoia of thinking I'm being followed everywhere on the way home. After kicking off my shoes and tugging off my muddy clothing. When im finall lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, the night replying in my mind. That's when it finally kicks in. That's when I realise how stupid and worthless and pathetic I am. But oh, doesn't it just get better?

School starts tomorrow. My first day in high school. Fucking brilliant.

Emk faggot gerard goes to high school ; how clichè.