Flame of the Last Rose (completed)

The Mountain (CH 34)

That night i tried to go bed but I couldn't. Ana was still in my brain and was determined for me to find aways around their system. She told me that I can't eat, that I will never be enough, I'm worthless, that I am a lot of things. However it really gets me tonight. I just cry. I broke down. I didn't run out like I did before I was just mentally exhausted. I felt like I hit a wall, I have felt this before but got around it, i just couldn't get around it this time. Nicole is dead. Audrey is dead. I haven't seen Lindsey because of school.

However I know I'm not alone but I feel like I am. I feel like I am stuck in a world where everyone around me who I love leaves. I try and I try to overcome these thoughts again and again, but it never works. These thoughts are painful to bare, painful to live with it, but then again my entire life is painful to bare. I slowly fall into a terrible sleep.

Then when I thought I finally fell into a deep sleep I'm being awaken to get ready. Instead of protesting against the nurse I get out of bed and into my dreaded wheelchair. My brain and body protested everything that is happening. The wheel chair, being awake, getting out of bed but most of all not being able to do things for myself. I show the nurse the clothes I would like to wear. Leggings and a sweatshirt, she helped me put them on. However while she was help changing me I realized why I was in the wheelchair. When she had me walk to the bed I felt so dizzy I flopped onto the bed.

Once I was dressed the nurse wheeled me down stairs for breakfast. I decided to have some eggs. The food was put in front of me. I couldn't bring myself to eat it. I knew I had to eat it but I couldn't I just couldn't. I look up and i see other girls who look like skeletons walking into the dining hall. I wonder to myself "Do I look like that?!" I assume I didn't, but being surrounded by girls who are really skinny and walking around I can't help but wonder if I do look like that.

However when their meals came they began to eat them. I looked down at mine that was completely untouched. I carefully grab my fork and take a bite. I hear ana screaming in my head to spit it out and that I shouldn't eat because I'm too fat. However I haven't had real food in a while and I continued eat. Until my anxiety kicked in. I felt like everyone was looking at me while I was eating and thinking I was eating a lot. I put down my fork and said I was done. I had to remain until breakfast was over. I kinda just sat there, until a girl next to me started talking.

"Hey are you the new girl here?" she asked me turning her head towards me to reveal sunken eyes and noticeable cheekbones.

"Uh uh yea," I stammered out.

"Ahh, I'm Lacy." she told me with a smile on her face and an outstretched hand.

"I'm uh Avery," I told her fiddling with my fingers.

We had a small talk conversation until breakfast was over. When breakfast was over I head back to my room for technology hour. I texted Lindsey even though she was in school she still texted me when she could and that's all that matters. She explained she couldn't visit because she was catching up and was terribly sorry for my loss, I thanked her and once the hour was up, Grace walked into my room and grabbed me for our session. She pushed my wheelchair into her office, she then asked me what's on your mind today?

"Well during breakfast I just stared at my food not wanting to eat it. But then I saw other girls eating so I did do. Ana was not happy, and then I got anxiety worrying if everyone was looking at me and judging how much I ate, so I stopped eating. Why does this happen? Ana never stops. I exercise and feel satisfied, but then I do more until I pass out or almost pass out. I never feel like enough. Like I'm climbing a mountain and I see the top but I fall again and again. But I always try again and again to reach that top but I never do. I will be good enough, I will never reach that top," I explained to her.

"Never is a word I don't want to hear you say. You don't feel good enough now because you have lived with this for months. Your best friend commited suicide and your cousin too I understand why and what your feeling, but you will be able to overcome this. You will feel like you are enough, you will try and fail again and again. However it will happen so it never happening is not true," she assured me.

For the rest of the time she really worked with me on different things how she would work with me on being able to overcome this and to not have so much anxiety about eating, she even said she would come to audreys funeral with me for support, and I don't think I could've thanked her enough.

Grace than wheeled me to lunch and sat with me because her next kid isn't until 1 so we sat I had a veggie wrap. I felt anxious nervous and overwhelmed thinking so many kids were judging me for eating a lot, however grace was there to help me.

Sadly after lunch I had to go to a schooling room, I went to the 9th grade one, there was only about 20 kids in there, we were just learning and doing stuff from each of our own schools to catch up on. After the agonizing 5 hours were up we head to dinner.

Dinner tonight was eggplant/chicken parm, I love both but I've always had a soft spot for eggplant parm. I took a small portion of everything. The eggplant, pasta and potatoes. I slowly ate, wishing to get full fast, I ate most of what was there. I finished before dinner period was up, I didn't want it to end because of the dreaded weigh in. I was wheeled into the room along with the other 13-15 year olds. When it was mine turn, I wheeled myself up and the workers helped me out of my chair and stepped onto the scale. I was 89 pounds. My anxiety kicked in. I GAINED 8 POUNDS!!!! I couldn't breathe the world was spinning, luckily I collapsed back into my wheelchair in time but my anxiety got the best of me. 

(A/N) HEYY i got it out around when I wanted hopefully the next part will be out around this time, but I have to stay after every single day this week. I will try. Also I started putting the chapter numbers on the parts, it might be a little bit before they're all like this but it'll get there love you all :)