Narelle

When I fall

Chapter six of 'Narelle!' Enjoy!

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*NARELLE'S POINT OF VIEW*

The voice is growing stronger every day. The insults, the persuasion, the volume of the voice itself- it's growing into shouts, instead of whispers. Loud enough to make me hang my head in my hands. Persuasive enough to make me question my life and the point of my living. And hurtful enough to beg it to make it stop out loud. I seriously don't know how much more I can take. But I'm no coward- I'm not backing out of this that easily. I'm still going to continue to try to cover my tracks, because no one can know what's going on. I look into my spotless mirror and look at myself. I can see why the shadow torments me so much. I can see my ribcage clearly under my extremely pale skin. My arms and legs have gotten skinnier- and my stomach was pretty much non-existent. If you looked at me in real life, you'd think I lived on the streets, based on how skinny and messy I looked. You'd think I'd be absolutely starving- but I'm not. Hunger and thirst are distant survival instincts that I'd numbed ages ago. I can't even remember the last time I felt purely hungry or thirsty. My only indicator was the roaring rumble of my stomach, like an alarm. But also like an alarm, I simply just shut it off and got on with my day.

But, on another note, Chase really got me thinking yesterday. The way he spoke sounded like he knew from experience. That he'd been through something terrible and pushing people away didn't solve anything. But what does Chase know? He's a self-centered, egotistical charmer whose head is so swelled with arrogance that if he ran into a wall, the wall would crumble and fall, while his head would remain perfectly intact. He has everyone wrapped around his little finger, so what would he know about bad experiences? He's the last person in this entire universe that I would trust with anything at all. Apart from Olivia Friar, of course. So why would I trust him? Simple; I don't. But there's still something off about him that I want to find out about. But for now, I'm going to remain completely to myself. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything, not while the shadow is raging.

Just before I leave for school, I take a look at myself in the mirror again. Pale, pinched skin, could be mistaken for a walking skeleton, hair is a mess, bags under my eyes, lips are poorly coloured and my nails are short and ragged, from biting them- a habit I really need to get over. But yet again, my eyes are the standout. Their blue is an instant calmer, that could send you into a hypnotic trance if you looked at them for long enough. They're the one thing I'm actually proud of about myself. But the shadow seems to disagree.
"It's a wonder you can still look at yourself and bear it. All I can see is a pathetic excuse for a human being that doesn't even deserve to be here. Why do you still live your life if you have nothing to live for? You should listen to Olivia- you're not worth it. You're a waste of space. You're a failure to your parents, and if your dad could see you now, he'd be so disappointed and ashamed of you..."

"SHUT UP!" I yell. "I know! You tell me every single day, and I can't take it back. If I could stop my dad from being in that accident and sacrifice my own life, I would. I'd give up my life because my dad deserved to live it way more then I ever could. I know it's my fault. I take the blame. I hope you're happy."

The shadow snarls. "Weak. So weak. SACRIFICING yourself? That'd be a blessing for everyone if you were gone, not a sacrifice. I bet everyone would celebrate, not mourn. That's how useless you are to everyone".

The shadow tucks back into the back of my brain- gone, for now. I find my eyes glistened with tears. I never cry. The last time I cried properly was at a funeral. The exact funeral that the shadow got into my head. The exact moment that I felt every speck of hope and faith being sucked out of me like a powerful vacuum. I stop looking at myself. The shadow is right- I am beginning to find it less bearable to face myself. But I don't have time to think about that right now.