Dirty Secrets

Forgiveness

The next evening, I found Leo had slipped his room key under my door with a note.

I forgot to give you this earlier. Thank you for the room. - L

He hadn't even knocked or wanted to talk with me.

The blocky, black handwriting was stark against the paper. I sank onto the sofa, defeated.

Earlier in the day, I'd made Leo a gift, hoping to give it to him that evening. I'd had an old photo of the two of us professionally printed and placed in an elegant silver frame. It had been taken by our parents early in that vacation five years ago. I flashed back to that moment as I sat on the sofa and held the photo in my hands.

"You two, stand over there." Leo's dad had pointed and waved at Leo and me, indicating we should stand next to each other on the hotel terrace. "Closer. Closer. Leo, she's not going to bite you."

Leo's shoulder pressed against mine, and I giggled. I didn't know how else to respond to his nearness.

"This is called the golden hour," my mom chimed in. "Do you see the light? It's golden. Beautiful. You two will look back on this photo and thank us for taking it, because you both look young and perfect right now."

Things were now as far from perfect as they could possibly be.

I had to win him back. Had to get us back to that beautiful, perfect place where we were tangled up in each other. I choked back a sob. God, I was doing a lot of crying lately.

What we'd had as teens was special, but what we could have as adults was sublime. More than ever, I knew the connection I felt for Leo was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and I wasn't going to give up on that easily. But what could I do?

Maybe the best thing was to let him cool down for another night, and then I'd try apologizing again in the morning. I didn't want to chase him or put more pressure on him. He'd looked devastated. Maybe he just needed a bit of space.

Frustrated, I opened Mom's journal and continued to read.

JUNE 12: Jessica continues to be pissed at me over Leo. I didn't think it was possible for a teenage girl to hold a grudge this long. I thought prom and graduation would make her forget about Leo, but she didn't go to prom and spent all of graduation day moping. It's been months. I keep telling her all I want is for her to be her own woman before falling in love. To be self-sufficient and independent. I don't want her to rely on a man at such a young age. I don't want her to be like I was. Young and stupid.

Tears stung my eyes again. Why hadn't Mom trusted me enough to share her past experiences, to share how Adam had broken her heart? Maybe if she had, I would have understood the whole situation more. Maybe we could have made a smart decision together.

I kept reading. Mom's journal continued for several more years, but after that one entry, her words and thoughts about Leo and me disappeared. And as the years went on, Mom wrote less and less. The journal became something of a quick log of mundane events, then tapered off and left out entire seasons. I skimmed the remaining words, looking for something, anything that felt relevant.