moonlight|| instagram {l.s.}

|forty-six|

9 December 2016

before harry, louis was like broken shards of glass, troubled, bitter and hurting everything and everyone who tried coming close. he ignored people as much as they loved to ignore him, he photographed, went to uni, went to work, and battled all his demons. alone. that's what he thought his happiness was. he wasn't meant to have the good things like others. 

but the moment this enchanting eyed and bright smiled boy, the human embodiment of happiness, had walked in, it seemed like louis' life was in his hands and suddenly all the broken pieces of louis were beginning to hold some meaning. but now harry was letting go of him and louis was falling out, confused and obfuscated, like grains of sand tumbling to the floor. 

he was losing his mind obsessively staring at the blank screen of his phone, waiting for just one call, one text, even if it was one of those emojis or the pouty selfies or the miss you's (even though they'd seen each other just 2 hours ago) harry used to send him randomly through the day. when he couldn't bear the incessant urge to call him nagging at him for the past six days anymore, he gives in. taking a deep breath, he taps onto harry's name, holding the phone to his ear, chewing at his nails nervously.

what does harry do? he disconnects the fucking call.

he tries once again only to receive the same response. louis felt like he could die that very second. his head felt light, making his vision blur. he felt bile rise in his throat and the pressure build on his chest. 'he's just busy, stop freaking out, you dumb twat" he told himself but it was even worse than just a pathetic attempt at convincing himself. his throat ran dry, eyes welling with tears.

he got off his bed, stumbling to the window, whipping it open and breathing in the icy blaze of wind that enters his room. a tear rolled down his parched cheek. he doesn't even stop it from overcoming him. he doesn't have the will nor the strength to.

he slid down the wall next to him, a few more tears falling down his cheeks as he tried his best to squeeze some air into his constricted lungs. his whole body was trembling and he was biting down hard on his lip, despite the coppery taste of blood lacing his mouth. his vision was almost dark and it seemed like there were faint voices whispering into his head, each one stabbing his heart.

a wrecked sob leaves him and he feels so pathetic and disgusting, all he wanted was to stand up and jump out the fucking window into the snow-covered streets right there and then.

the vibration of his phone still clutched tightly in his hand breaks into his thoughts and he manages to make out harry's name through his tears. his finger moves faster than lightning as he swipes the green icon, immediately holding the phone to his ear.

"hi" he hears harry's voice breathe through the speaker. 

"harry" he chokes out, leaning his head against the wall. more tears.

"lou? is something-?"

"h-harry, harry, ha-" he hiccups, interrupting his chant, "harry, i'm sorry. i'm so sorry-"

"louis! lou- listen to me, please, please calm down" harry's rushed voice sounds through his ears. "can you tell me what's wrong?"

"h, i-i n-need you, i can't- can't-" he stops, covering his mouth to trap the sob.

"lou, listen, listen" he says calmly, "babe, i'll be right there, okay? i just need you to calm down. please. stop thinking about whatever it is, love, please. just listen to me, focus on-" his voice gets cut short as louis' phone shows a 0% battery sign before the screen turns black.

the phone slipped from his grasp and he didn't bother picking it up. he kept repeating harry's words to drown out his thoughts, but harry. was. too. fucking. far. away. and the voices too loud.

he pulled up his knees so tightly to his chest, his muscles began to ache. he could still taste the blood on his lips and his lungs burned as if the very air he was breathing was poison. he could feel and hear his heartbeat throughout his body almost like serving as the background music for the voices sounding through his head.

he didn't know how he managed not to peel his own skin with his bare nails until he heard harry's knock at the door.

"lou?" he heard the soft call of his name echo in the living room. he wanted to reply, to call out to harry, to hold onto him and never let go but he couldn't. he stayed there, frozen. he heard the door open and shut lightly.

"louis? why's the door unlocked? what are you-" he charges through the doorway as louis looks up through his tears and harry's lips slightly fall apart at the sight. "louis?" he walks to him, falling to his knees beside him, "lou... are you- what h-" he falls short at words, surprise and heartbreak reflecting in his eyes. contrary to his emotions, louis felt like the angel of life had blown a breath back into him, just at the mere sight of harry.

he reaches out to catch the fresh tears that slid down louis' cheeks, touch as light as feather. louis clutches his hand, "harry" he croaks out, "harry, harry, i-i'm sorry, please, i-m" he feels another wave of hyperventilation hit him.

"lou, it's okay, babe, it's-" harry starts.

"harry, no, please-" louis shuffles closer, almost hanging onto him, "don't leave me, please, harry, i-i can't be without you, i'm sorry, h" he rambles, feeling light in the head.

"louis, shh, sh, it's okay, i'm right here, alright?" harry cups his face, bringing louis' eyes to look into his own. "breathe, baby, just breathe" louis lets out a shaky one, closing his eyes, "take a deep breath" he instructs in a calm tone as if talking to a child, and louis follows, "let it out" louis' shoulders fall as he lets out the breath, opening his eyes to look back into harry's.

"harry-"

"shh, i'm right here, love, i swear i'm not going anywhere, i promise, i promise."

louis sniffs, fisting his hands into harry's jumper and crawling onto his lap, laying his head on his chest, immediately surrounded by his warmth and familiar scent. safety. the bigger boy envelopes him into an embrace, raking his fingers through his soft hair, whispering soothing phrases in his ear. 

At long last, the demons in louis' head fell silent.