Reflections

Part I-Chapter VII

~Zia Meadows~

Going home is a knife that stabs me in the back. I live with my Father and paternal Aunt. My Father travels back and forth from home frequently, but when he's at home, the entire house becomes uneasy. His exhausted emerald eyes and lonely expression never escape my grasp. He is shorter than the average man, but he's quite clever and hard-working. Some nights, he doesn't rest until three in the morning, and that's when he's home. He is typically temperamental, but every once in a while, he can be gentle. He's not a professional at handling his fury, so it cascades onto us leaving deep wounds all over.

Aunt Rainey stays at home to care for me because that was the deal for her to live with us. She has graceful long legs, extensive ginger hair, and eyes that match my Father. Along with being blessed with beauty, she's compassionate, understanding and a damn good listener. She is alert and pays attention when I seem to be down. Yet, when Father is in the picture, she becomes tense and out-of-character, then gets into predicaments with him. It seems they never got along even as children. However, when he's absent, the house seems to take more light. Aunt Rainey has been as a mother to me since she moved in a few years ago. I'll admit, it has been a saving grace because I'm not as lonely as I used to be.

Today, my Father was home, and that meant there was to be tension in the air. I took a deep breath, then released. Then, I proceeded to open the door with my key and came in only to find Father napping on the couch with TV noise in the background. A ping of relief eased my stomach. Aunt Rainey wasn't in sight, so I went upstairs to find her. The door to her room was closed and locked, so I went to mine.

The house was still quiet despite the TV echoing downstairs, and I don't know if I'm crazy, but sometimes I hear voices whenever night falls. Perhaps that's just me. My room is what I'd call organized chaos. The walls are filled with pictures, drawings, and cards from the past. I've even had to start working on my ceiling because of lack of space on my walls. Most of the pictures are from the times before I moved, before my Aunt Rainey came to live with us, before Father got sick. After I moved, everyone around me changed, then eventually I fell into that train. Nowadays, real, honest friends are arduous to discover and keep. Every group I've found became like a treasure that ended to being a forgery. Still, I think there is a spark of hope somewhere, and I have yet to find it. However, Aunt Rainey does say,

"Sometimes we are blind to the light in front of us and realize far too late."

I looked at one particular photo, the one of my Father holding me so that I'd get a better view of a breathtaking lake.

"Father! I can't see!" The younger version of myself yelled. "The world is far bigger than me!"

"So it is." He laughed. "Would you like a lift?"

"Father, is that even a question that needs to be uttered?" I looked up into his emerald eyes.

"My beautiful, resilient Zia, where do you learn such vocabulary?" He astonished asked.

"Now that's a question that proves value, and Father, being a reader can build many things" A grin spread across my cheek, then hugged him.

He picked me up with his strong arms and allowed my legs to sit on his shoulders. I finally got the view I wanted. The lake was cerulean blue towards the middle, but faded to evergreen because of the reflection of the tree that surrounded it. Vast fields followed, then tinted blue mountains with snow on its peak. Every detail, every color stood out. From the blues, the greens, and the pastels.

"Father, thank you."

Someone came next to us, shared a compliment, then took the picture.

"I'll always be here to give you a lift..."

I was nine at that heartwarming point in time. Father was kinder to me then. To me, he was more than just my father, he was my best friend. The kind that stands alongside you when people come to throw sticks and stones. The kind that studies, plays, and laughs with you. Thinking back to those precious times allows my emotions to spill out from me. I sighed, glanced at it one more time, and left the past.

Two hours later, my Aunt knocked the door and I permitted her entrance.

"Hey Zeze, do you want some dinner?" She asked me kindly.

I shook my head.

"Are you sure?" Concern built up. "Zeze, you haven't been eating much. Did something happen?"

She does know when something is up, however I don't want to drop it to her now. She had been warning me about Diana for weeks, and if I told her what's truly been going on, she'll be sceptical about my other friends. Especially with Victor being a new edition, but I will have to since I asked Victor about car-pooling together. Me and my blabbermouth. I suppose I was shaking off some nerves or was excited, or even both.

"Rainey, I feel exquisite. I suppose I'm not hungry since there was no Track practice today." I blurted out, but in a way to convince her.

She sighed, then said,

"Alright, but could you come down just to be with us?"

I hesitated at first, but a flashing image of Father yelling at me to come down appeared in my head, so I nodded.

I followed her downstairs and the smell of fish engulfed the house. The windows were open to rid ourselves of the strong scent.

"Let me guess, salmon?" I said irritatingly.

She giggled and said yes. Now, I'm most definitely not eating dinner.

I sat down next to Father and Rainey sat directly in front of me. Usually, we'd keep silence while eating, but today was a bit talkative. It was rather odd, but it was a good change, until Father dragged me into the conservation.

"So Zia, what's happened at school these last few days?"

I wasn't ready to tell either of them about what happened between Diana and me. Both of them would tell me, "I told you so." Then proceed with an hour-long lecture about how I must not trust anyone and so-on-so-forth. Honestly, I've learned to just let them hear what they want and pray that they'll buy it. Of course, I won't hide it for an eternity. That'd leave me paranoid. For now, I just want to truly process all that's gone on the past few days. Allow myself to ease about Diana, so that I don't make it sound like a drama. For now, I'd tell them about Victor, so I can ask about the car-pooling.

"Well, I got an A' on my English test and made a new friend." I calmly told them while wearing a smile.

They both looked at each other, then Father asked the most predictable question that could be asked.

"Girl?" He said normally. "Or BOY?" He hissed.

Oh my God. What a typical American Dad moment! Come on! Guy-friends are not uncommon for me! I put my hand on my forehead and took a deep breath. I looked up and squinted my eyes.

"Really Father?"

He gave me a stern look, then relaxed almost to say that he was joshing me.

"Boy." I answered with a serious tone.

It feels like I'm being asked about the gender of a baby, but nonetheless, it's hilarious. No sound was heard for the next minute or two, until Rainey broke the suspense.

"Well, tell us about him already!" She exclaimed.

I gulped, then told them about the positive moments we had today. After a few minutes of discussion, I asked about the car-pooling, and thankfully, it was a yes.

After I received my desired reply, I went upstairs to shower, so I could feel refreshed to do my homework.

After the shower, I heard yelling from the living room. Oh cher, pas encore. The joyous, priceless moments simply passed and it's back to feeding the negative energy in this lonely house. Why do they have to add colorful vocabulary to their arguments and in French too? I closed my bedroom to keep myself protected from the smoke of aggressions. At least I had something to look forward to in the blissful morning. It's funny, these last few months, I've surrounded myself with awful, dysfunctional people who were once brilliant. Now, just when hope appeared to be lost, Victor comes into the light. God, oh God. What do you, the almighty, have in store for me?