Why Don't We; Soonhoon

05

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KEEPING TRACK OF the little things was a profoundly terrible idea.

Jihoon doesn't like taking notice of the way Soonyoung's eyes are almost always turned up in a smile, and he doesn't like that he's begun recognizing his laugh from halfway across the building, chiming like bells. He doesn't like seeing the boy's change of hair color when he walks into work that morning, really seeing it - he hates how he thinks it suits him.

Because the more details he memorizes, the more human Soonyoung seems. When Jihoon is able to pick out his grin in a crowd of happy faces, that's when he's made his mark; an entirely unique individual, and Jihoon wishes he could go back to when it was easy to pretend the boy was nothing more than a filler character in his life.

"You can't go back when you were never there, idiot," Chan says, absentmindedly. He's trifling with the things on Jihoon's desk, picking up anything and everything of interest to observe. He continues, "You've always been at this point. You've just ignored it."

"Do you always have to be such a smartass?"

"No, just smart." His smile is pulled taut across his face, teasing. "And it's true, isn't it? Soonyoung made his mark the day he decided to start following you around like a lost puppy - you've just been so hung up on the idea of him not being worth your attention that you tricked yourself into thinking he really wasn't. In reality, though, he's always had it."

Jihoon can't stand the know-it-all look on his friend's face - feels himself flaring up at the mere thought of it - so he looks away. Somewhere at the far end of the library, through clear glass and a slightly obscuring logo with the coffee shop name, he can see Soonyoung working the register. Upsettingly familiar.

"I don't like him," he says simply.

"Can I ask - why?"

Why. That's the question, isn't it? And now he's back to chapter one - saying it's natural, chalking it up to a difference in personalities. It's still true, always has been.

"We're just so different," he says. "And not different in a way that I can get used to and learn to love - different in a way I can't stand. I can't get used to it."

"I think you already have," Chan suggests.

"No, no. You know what I mean."

They're quiet then, the both of them. Jihoon's still staring off into space with a book in his lap, and Chan wordlessly sifts through his drawers like the nosy rat he is. He doesn't think there's much else to say, until the other starts speaking again.

"Give him a chance, Jihoon. At this point, I think you're more stubborn than anything. There's no shame in giving up the dickery and getting to know him better."

"Are you suggesting that the only reason I go around saying I dislike Soonyoung is that I'm too stubborn to have a change of heart?"

The boy shrugs, "Basically. Don't be hard-headed, Jihoon, it's not a good look."

Someone as young as Chan has no place being wiser than him, but for once, Jihoon can't bring himself to argue. He doesn't have it in him to fight a lost cause.

And maybe - maybe he's sort of right.

—

"Here," Jihoon says, his tone like a load of bricks. He doesn't give Soonyoung a moment's notice before shoving the book against his chest, keeping his eyes averted when the barista lets out a small sound of surprise.