Stars,
I meant to call him and tell him this but I knew I couldn't.
So I'm saying it to you stars.
"I didn't understand what love was, I thought it was just a word. And nothing made sense before you. And when I met you you made everything make sense. I know you can't say it back to me because I hurt you so badly and left you in a terrible position in life. But, I still love you, I still fucking love you. No matter how much I try not to, I always will.
You have to understand that it took so much of me to block you out of my life. I knew what I had before I left it, had being a past tense, but to that point where I did block you. I didn't know what I had. Because you were already gone and I pointed out changes and you tried to change back. Sending "I'm on my way home" "I love you" "be safe" "oaky", I wanted that version of you back so badly, with all the changes with high school. I was hurting and I'd rather be lonely then waiting around for you picking up pieces on my heart just for you to shatter it. I deserved all the shit I got, but you not telling me things anymore fucked the entire friendship over, I'm not saying it's your fault. But our friendship was based on trust and secrets and honestly at this point and many points I don't think that you realized how much I didn't trust you and didn't want to tell you secrets. You knew and know everything about me. Literally everything. Down to my pet peeves to simplistic items that make me have joy.
You started the friendship, but I had to end it because that base wasn't there. You denied that it didn't disappear, but fuck they really did.
Everything about you is so perfect but I know I have to say goodbye so. This is my goodbye and this is my last I love you because you won't even love me even though you made SO MANY FUCKING PROMISES TO ME. YOU NEVER FUCKING STUCK WITH THEM. FUCK.
I'd do anything for your happiness and you know that too. But people were before me, especially your new besties, you know who they are.
You were my #1 in the world and in the stars. But you're gone and I'm always here waiting, offering you the world I grew up living in. And I can't have it anymore. So I still love you, never stopped. "
- Z.N.
