with every beat of my heart √ h.s.

white lights

how long can you go through life living out your dreams before you wake up? i wonder if some people are lucky enough to have their dreams persist into their reality. i settled so deep into my own fantasy, the rude awakening was something that seemed like the most despicable joke. i'm not entirely sure of what i deserve out of life, but no one, and i mean no one, deserves to have their version of hell on earth.

i came home from work to a beautiful sight. genevieve was sauntering around the house without a trace of clothing on. almost everything she did made her uncomfortable. everything except being stark naked in the middle of the kitchen with a jar of pickles. she had a big smile on her face when she saw me and told me about her day of lounging around and enjoying maternity leave. i was glad that she wasn't working herself until the baby was practically being pushed out because it made me less worried about her.

she was beautiful, the most extravagant sight to witness. the setting sun was shining through the window of the backyard casting an amber glow on her caramel skin. she was heavenly, and my mind would never stray from that revelation. "can we try that new italian restaurant? i know i've been munching on stuff all day, but i'm starving. i'm even willing to put on clothes for this." it was winter and cold as the thin layer of ice that covered the outside ground, so i would have hoped she would put on clothes. i laughed at her for thinking she had to nearly beg me to take her to get dinner. i told her that we should get dressed then head out before it gets darker.

she had on a thick coat and leggings with a scarf that seemed to wrap around her more than enough times while i was still struggling to untie my shoes. she encouraged me to speed up the process and i was amused at her eagerness. "i want this baby out of me. there's not enough room for either of us to keep growing with all this food i'm eating." she sighed and threw her body back on to our bed. i looked down at her then gently kissed her with a small smile.

i decided to tease her a bit and stuffed a pillow underneath my shirt. "i don't know. having a baby bump seems convenient. it's like your own personal tray, and your hands fold perfectly on top of it." she turned her head to look at me then immediately glared. she sat up and found another pillow to throw at me.

i laughed and pulled it out from my shirt and retrieved the thrown one from the floor before returning them to their spot on the bed. "harry, kiddo's kicking a lot. look." she lifted her shirt and opened her coat and we could see the movements happening from within. i placed my hand on her warm skin and grinned with pure gaiety. i gently pressed my lips to her belly and just watched as our baby went crazy.

it dawned on me that there would soon be three of us. genevieve and i would be parents and we would raise our child and love them with everything we had. i couldn't fathom being the person someone else depended on, but that's exactly what i would be to our child. i knew i would raise them with the utmost affection and acceptance they could experience. i knew i would offer genevieve anything she wanted. she carried an entire life within her for nine months and would bring the bundle into this world. i would be an idiot to take that for granted and not remind her how grateful i felt for her and her strength. "this is one of the greatest feelings i've ever experienced. i hope it feels the same with our next kid."

she laughed at me and brought my face toward hers. "i love you, but we're not going to talk about you putting another kid in me until this one's out." we finally made it out of the house and i held genevieve's door open as she waddled to the passenger side. as we drove, our fingers were locked together and she rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb like i would do to her sometimes. "do i want pasta with red or white sauce?" the sun was just bidding us goodbye as the top of it kissed the horizon.

i drove slower because of the roads being slightly more slippery and glanced at my extraordinary wife for a brief moment. "how about we order both and share them?" she looked at me with a large smile and nodded. "hey, you're kind of smart. i knew i married you for a reason." i laughed at her teasing remark and brought her knuckles to my lips. i was almost sad that our time together would end and we would be joined with another life that i was undoubtedly ecstatic about, but i just wanted more time.

we were talking about what our little angel may look like and the features they would inherit from each of us. she wanted them to possess my green eyes and hair color. i hoped they got her nose and hair.

and then it happened.

it was blinding, catastrophic, and unavoidable; my dream ended and i was met with a nightmare. shattered glass, and the world spinning quite literally as our car whirled multiple times before crashing on its side. however, our fingers remained intertwined and she squeezed my hand. she called my name out many times before i found the air within my lungs to reply. "i love you, evie."

the man driving the car that collided into us seemingly died at the scene, and the paramedics arrived shortly to retrieve us from the demolished vehicle. i don't remember a single second of anything from telling evie i loved her to waking up to heart monitor beeps and blinding ceiling lights. i was left unconscious, and only have the word of others to go off of.

she was conscious when help arrived, and she refused to let go of my hand. she insisted that they save me, and told them to check my heart. my god damn heart. once we were both in the back of an ambulance, my heartbeat was weak and even more thready than usual. apparently genevieve wouldn't shut up while they examined her injuries, which sounded just like the woman i loved.

the baby was kicking, which was a good sign for them. she complained of abdominal pain, and then her body expelled whatever was in her stomach. they discovered she was bleeding internally and had to operate immediately to save her life.

my heart seemed to want to quit functioning, and the doctors found the need to open me up. my wife and i became bodies on an operating table fighting the test of life. our family was contacted, and the surgeons operating on me received my file. according to them, it was pretty bad. it wasn't pumping blood, and just not doing its job in general, so i became dependent on a machine for the time being while they put me at the top of the transplant list. maybe i would have woken up on my own, had they not induced a coma to allow my body a complete rest.

our baby was interfering with finding the source of the bleeding, so they performed an emergency cesarean section before cutting her up further. as soon as they did, her blood pressure dropped and the bleeding worsened.

it was 8:42 in the evening when genevieve died.

they discovered she was an organ donor, and rushed to preserve her. they preserved my wife, my angel, my evie. the thought alone sickens me; not allowing her to rest peacefully.

they ran tests and rushed them to avoid the expiration of her organs. and what are the fucking odds? i knew we were soulmates, but it just didn't seem possible for us to be compatible in every single way. it wasn't typically ideal for a woman's heart to go to a man, but they risked it despite all odds being against success.

i woke up with a headache, and sore body. i never thought being surrounded by family could leave me so empty because genevieve wasn't in the room. they hadn't told me, no one said anything, but i knew. i knew i was the one to survive when it should have been genevieve. i couldn't think of anything else to say but, "no."

my mother hugged me as i felt every fiber of my being tear to shreds. i wanted nothing more than to see her doe brown eyes and hear the relief in her voice to see me awake. i wanted to hold her hand and kiss her lips, and i wanted to be with her. clarity was no longer existing as the tears surged and sobs racked my entire body. it was like i couldn't breathe, and my lungs had caught fire. they hadn't yet told me that it was her heart fitted into my rib cage. they hadn't revealed that she had quite literally saved my life.

but when they did finally tell me that i was the keeper of my wife's heart for eternity, i broke down even more. i was shaking and my ears began ringing. i held my chest as violent sobs overtook me and i was left with nothing.

it seemed unfair to be alive. genevieve had given me the best eight years of my life, and also her heart. if i had the choice, i would have given her my life without a second thought. i would have her here; alive. i loved her more than i could have loved anything else in this wicked universe.

i loved her with every beat of her heart that i was not deserving of.