Fatal matrimony(Not Completed... Yet)

5. Waking Up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly in strange lurches and dragging lulls but pass it does. Even for me.

*************

After 3 Months

"Becca? Becca!?" Anna asks me impatiently, that familiar touch of defiance and impatience in her voice. "Are you listening to me?"

I look up from my cereal, which I was pondering rather than eating and stare at her in shock. I hadn't been following the conversation, actually I hadn't been aware that we were having a conversation at all. The thick haze that blurred my days now was sometimes confusing. Not that I minded. It didn't matter. Losing track of time was the most I asked from life.

"Of course I am. I am listening. We are talking, aren't we?" I mumble, confused. She grits her teeth and pinches the bridge of her nose with her fingers.

"No, we're not, Becca. I'm the only one who's been talking since I got here. You haven't said a single thing to me today. Hell, you haven't talked at all since the last three...three months." Anna comes over to my house for breakfast a lot. Since I have to eat alone....now.

She watched with exasperation as I slowly grasped the meaning of her words. "What did I do?" I felt my face crumple. It was so unfair. My behaviour had been above reproach for the last three months. After that first week and the...the..funeral, which neither of us ever mentioned, I hadn't done anything which could've sent her the wrong message. I called her everyday and we talked. Maybe. I think I talked. I'm not sure. I completed all the pending assignments Frederick had asked me to. I bathed. I ate. I slept.

Anna was scowling. "You didn't do anything. That's the problem. You never do anything."

"You want me to get in trouble?" I asked her. My eyebrows pulled together in mystification. I made an effort to pay attention. It was not easy. I was so used to tuning everything out, my ears felt stopped up.
"Trouble would be better than this...this moping around all the time!" She said. Her face twisted. In pain? Disappointment? Even trying to discern expressions felt too much of a difficult job nowadays.

But that still stung a little bit. I had been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, moping included. "I'm not moping around." I protested weakly. "Wrong word, " she said grudgingly. "Moping would be better. Moping would be doing something. I can't see you like this anymore. Cold, blank, empty. No inflection in your voice. You work, eat and sleep. You don't react to anything. You're just lifeless."

That accusation struck home. I sighed and tried to put some animation into my response. "I'm sorry, Anna." My apology sounded insincere, even to me. I thought I had been fooling her. Keeping Anna from suffering along with me had been the whole point of the effort. How depressing to think that the effort had been wasted.
"I don't want you to be sorry, Becca, " Anna mutters."Then what do you want, Anna?"I ask her.

"I don't want you to be unhappy. I think that-that maybe you need some help. Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional."

"You want me to see a shrink?" My voice was a shade sharper as I realized what she was getting at. "That wouldn't help one little bit, Anna." I didn't know much about psychoanalysis but I was pretty sure it didn't work if you weren't relatively honest. And I couldn't be honest about... Denial was the only thing that was keeping me going through this phase.

She examined my obstinate expression and switched to another line of attack. "It is beyond me, Becca. Maybe.."

"Look, let's go out tonight if you want to. You, me and Patrick. You want me to be happy and normal. Well, here goes."

"That's not what I want, " she argued, frustrated. "I can't live through seeing you try harder. I have never seen anyone try so hard. It hurts to watch."
I sigh. "Then tell me what to do, Anna. Tell me a way out of this. Tell me what I can do to make this any better?" Her eyes fill with trepidation. And I know what she's thinking won't bode well for me. She takes a deep breath and says, " Find someone for yourself. Settle."

My mouth falls open. For the first time in a long time, I'm completely taken by surprise. This was the last thing I was expecting her to say. I shake my head, like a dog trying to rid its ears of water. "What?" I asked her.

"Get married, " she repeated. "As much as you try to convince yourself, you cannot be alone your whole life. Once I'm married to Patrick, I won't be able to spend as much time with you. And I'm terrified of leaving you alone. You won't date. You've pretty much made that clear. I wasn't joking before. You do need the big leap. So give me my peace of mind, Becca. Get married. I am. So you can too."

I say nothing. Instead I turn away from her to stare out into the yard. I see freesia and butterfly orchids. Mom's orchids. I close my eyes immediately. "Becca?" I hear Anna say. I keep looking away. "Giving me the silent treatment now will not help you."

I sigh and shift my head to look at her. "Is there any particular reason why you brought this topic up all of a sudden?" She nods. "It's been coming on for a while. I won't lie. I've been thinking about it for quite a long time. But I was afraid you'd react the wrong way. But now I can see that it is time for desperate measures."

She reaches out and clasps my hand in both of her own. "Look, I'm not telling you to get married tomorrow. I just want some form of confirmation from you. There are many eligible bachelors in Carmel and... Becca, I want you to be safe and happy. It's like the night of the living dead here with you sometimes. You're not this person. You're witty and responsible and caring. But it's like all of that's gone. But I want it back. This loneliness you crave so much, it's unhealthy, Becca. It's one of the reasons why you shut the world out. "

She inhaled through her nose and gritted her teeth. "Just..just say yes. You deserve someone who will love you with all your imperfections and insecurities. Just...just say yes. If it doesn't work out right, then I won't push you. You'll take the final stand. Say yes. Please. For me."

I wanted to say no. I really did. Because saying yes would mean agreeing to face the unknown again. And I couldn't test my limits more. This felt exactly like having to walk out in front of a theatre full of thousands with no idea what my lines were. But something about her pleading face brought a lump to my throat. Suddenly, I felt so unbearably tired. I realized that I had no will left in me to fight or protest. So that only left me with one option,didn't it?
"Okay."

*************

At least something good has come out of this. Anna is happy. She is on the phone with Patrick. She sounds so excited. And it makes me feel guilty and sad. Some friend I was. I must have really worried her with my behaviour for the last couple of weeks. One of the main reasons why I'd said yes was because I couldn't afford to hurt her anymore. Not after losing... them.

Strange. I didn't feel empty anymore. And that made me panic. I could feel myself withdrawing slowly from the emptiness. Everything seemed oddly close and loud, like I'd taken cotton out of my ears.

Anna came out then. She was supposed to meet Patrick for lunch. She hugged me and said, " Look, I know you're doing this for me. And I'm thankful, Becca. But I think this could be a new beginning for you. Everything in life has a beginning and an end. Your pain has an end too. It will end. It has already started to. You can feel it like I can. Something good will come out of this, Bec. And you'll see." She smiles at me and involuntarily, unconsciously, an answering smile spreads across my face, which surprises me even more. I try to remember the last time I smiled properly. She ruffles my hair just like...Mom used to. And she leaves.

I make my way to the porch and sit down there. I look at the orchids. It's been a long time since I last painted. I feel unusually alert. I scramble for my numbness, my denial, but it evades me. Something had changed in the course of the morning. I didn't know whether it was due to Anna or the realization that I could escape the numbness and yet, somehow survive. But something had altered in me.

I feel....awake. It didn't feel like the pain had grown weaker over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it. And I knew that I wouldn't keep screaming in my bed anymore. The nightmare had to end. Because I had woken up.....