nasty

yall hear something

Puff never talked about his inner feelings. Not like he had much to hide, he was a hyper, talketive, and.. well pretty weird person and always will be no matter what. But things have gone on in his life that he forced himself to "move on" from. Truth is, he never did. He just ignores the issues by asking the fellow bandmates to go out for beers and clubbing. None of them think anything of it, it was a normal Puff-thing he would ask, so they didn't think there was a real reason behind most of his actions. They just thought that it was only him being him, and nothing else.
Benatar knew more than they all did. At least, he thinks he might. There have been many times where the Brit would wake up at 3 am to find Puff not in his bunk. If he decided to walk out, he would see Puff outside from the window, facing away while sitting down, hugging his knees.
He didn't know what it meant. Maybe Puff just likes going outside in the dark? Maybe this is some demon shit and Puff is possessed? Or maybe Puff is trying to hide something. Like an emotion. Like sadness.
It was a thing he would expect Puff to do. It's a thing most "I-think-I'm-tough-shit" kind of guys always did. But why? Puff always seems to be loving life, even when they were kids. Well.. except that one day.
Back in.. maybe 7th grade. He couldn't remember. But before Benatar and Puff actually became 'friends', they had many classes together. They knew of each other's existences, and knew what they were both like. Puff, still as wild and crazy as ever. Benatar, still quiet. One day, Puff suddenly adapted the quiet behavior. It was strange, to everyone. But Puff was just silent. He never said what was wrong, just used the excuse of being tired. Even though when he was tired, he was still the same Puff. Not this kind of Puff. But only Benatar seemed to notice that, as everyone else passed it off.
Maybe Benatar is overthinking Puffs situation, but still. He just wanted to make sure what the answers were to his theories. And as much as he wouldn't say this out loud, he wanted to make sure Puff was doing okay. Benatar would hate to see anyone upset, even Axel. He's not the kind of person to not care about others. No matter what, Benatar gave a shit about everyone. It was just how he always was.

It was 4:46am exactly, and Benatar stirred awake for some unknown reason to him. Looking down, he saw Puff was gone again. Stretching, he got down from his bunk and walked near the same window he would see him at, and sure enough, there was Puff. He was messing around with a bouncy ball. Not even bouncing it, just rolling it around near him. Benatar started to think over all the things with Puff, should he confront him? Talk to him? Would he even tell him? Sure, Puff isn't normally one to talk, but with Benatar? Probably would NEVER do it. Puff isn't exactly always mean to him, but he always seems uncomfortable in some ways.
Fuck it, if he doesn't talk, then at least he tried. Opening the door slowly to make not much noise, it made lots anyway and caught Puffs attention. Puff just turned away again, resting the ball in his hand. Benatar walked over to him, sitting next to him. It was silent for longer than either of them wanted it to be, but neither wanted to break the ice. Benatar decided he should just end his awkward silence, since as much as he doesn't want to, he knows Puff isn't gonna ever do it.
"What are you doing out here so late?" Benatar said, turning over to look at Puff.
"I could ask you the same thing. Why are you even here?" His voice seemed groggy, and quieter than normal. His tone though, sounded a little frusterated, but also scared.
"Came to check on you. I guess I should be front with this, so..," Benatar cut himself off, turning back away from Puff to look at the almost empty seeming sky. Not a lot of stars out tonight, must be clouds covering them. He's getting distracted.
"I've noticed your odd behavior, Puff. You can deny it all you want, but I know something's going on. I've seen you out here so many times, it's always between 3 and 4 am. You also get unusually quiet sometimes. Which just isn't you. You're.. y'know, loud. Wild guy of the group." Benatar continued on, he could feel Puff getting tense from stress. It's making Ben think about if this was a good idea or not, he didn't wanna make Puff feel pressured.
"Dunno what you mean, sometimes loud people are quiet. Is it that shocking? Plus, I go out here so I don't wake anyone up, y'know, with my loud-ness." Puff seemed confident when saying this, like he wanted it to be the real answer. Benatar knew it wasn't.
"..Look, I know we aren't too close, I know you don't really like me, and you don't want to talk about your feelings especially to me, but the least you could do is tell me the truth. You're a good liar, you could probably fool the others with that, but you can't fool me, mate."
His voice, so full of.. emotion. It was almost enough to get Puff to say it all. His voice was calming, and, this would be hard for Puff to explain, but Benatars voice just.. sounded so trustworthy. Like Ben himself was trustworthy.
But he couldn't, he didn't like baggage. He didn't like to talk about it, especially to others. Because then they have to feel the weight of it too, and it makes him feel worse.
"I promise, everything's fine and dandy with me."
Like he is the worst.
"I've just been more tired recently. Can't stop waking up at 3 and shit. It's just,"
Like everything he's done and said is awful.
"It's stressful.. I-It's frusterating to me."
Is he gonna break over this? Over nothing important to anyone but him?
"'Cause I-I'd prefer to.. be awake, and function properly without my b.. my brain making me fuck shit up, you know?"
Shit, a tear fell. Ah fuck, more are falling. He can't even control it, his tear ducts just hate him right now, huh?
Benatar noticed right away, turning over and slightly panicking, trying to find some way to help Puff.
This may not be the best idea.. but it's all he can do. Suddenly, Puff felt arms around him, a very warm presence super close to him. It was Benatar, and he was hugging him.
"Hey, hey. It's okay.. it's okay to cry, let it out.."
Damn Benatars soothing voice. It was so sweet and genuine sounding, it made Puff feel safer. Which made him cry more. He never had that, he never had a calming voice or nice person comfort him. He hasn't even been comforted over something serious before. Maybe small things, like breakups with girls he barely even knew in the first place. No one even comforted him, just gave a bit of pity to him. But that's it.
They stayed like this for a long time, Benatar just holding Puff as he slowly calmed down. He released him enough to be able to look at his face.
"Now, again, you don't have to tell me what's wrong, but if you want to, don't hold back. I'm here for you. I care."
I care. I care. It kept going through Puffs mind, in a constant loop. Benatar cares. Since when did anyone care about him? Like.. ACTUALLY care.
God, now he couldn't hold back. He needed someone to know, someone to understand. He thought dealing with it alone was easier.
"I.. I just can't get over.. my parents." Puff sniffled.
"Your parents? What did they do? Did they hurt you?"
"What? No, no no.. not exactly. But.. my dad left when I was in middle school. I couldn't find any trace of him, and meemaw would only say he's 'gone somewhere better'. Never what really happened." Puff stopped for a second, wiping his teary eyes before continuing, "My mom, she wanted nothing to do with me. Without someone else to take care of me, she left me with meemaw. She's still alive, but she abandoned me. Purposely. She didn't have any connection with me, only had me because my dad wanted me. But since he's gone, she has no reason to keep me around. So, she handed me off like I was a useless artifact."
Benatar was shocked, he always wondered why his grandma was the one who raised him instead of his own parents. It seemed to come up a few times, and he always wanted to ask questions about it but felt it was too rude to just pry into someone's business. Not like Puff would tell the truth in front of all his boys then.
"Puff.. I'm so sorry--" Ben was cut off.
"Just call me Ray. I think that's easier to say in a serious tone."
"Is it your real name?"
"Yes. It is. Ray Humbert."
"Wow, it's.. it fits you."
"Thanks. I don't really like it, but I appreciate that someone else somehow does. Anyway, back on topic. I barely know or remember what it feels like, to have a real parent. To have someone who is supposed to care in general. I think about it a lot. Not like it's in my control, my brain just pops up with it. It fuckin' sucks, it makes me unable to sleep sometimes. I get so overwhelmed that I just come out here, to do something besides lay in there and think. But since nothing around in walking distance is open at this hour, I choose to just sit here and either cry like a bitch, play with something like this dumb rubber ball, or whatever else my brain can come up with."
Hearing Puff rant was weird. Hearing all of this, he never expected any of it from the short, wild, angry guy. He felt awful, and guilty for never talking to him about it before.
Puff was quiet, which made Ben sorta snap into reality and realize he's still holding onto him with one arm. Puff doing the same. He probably shouldn't say anything about it, he doesn't really want it to.. stop.
"Puff- er, Ray, you shouldn't hide this stuff from us. I know we.. well, DeeJay and Axel always play around and act like dicks to you, I, and even eachother.. but they do care. We're not just band mates, we are friends. Friends help other friends. They accept friends feelings and try to help them get through it, and make sure they aren't alone."
Puff stayed silent, he wasn't sure what to say to all that. It was nice to hear from him, honestly. He didn't know it was possible, Benatar seemed to never feel anything around him, or the others.
Suddenly, Benatar continued, making Puff snap back out of his thoughts.
"I'm sorry that happened to you, you don't deserve any of that. If I could change it or help you in any way, I would. But as much as I hate to say it, it's the past. You can't change it. You can't go back. But you can move on, even if it takes the longest time ever, and even if you need lots of help, you can do it. I know DeeJay will always be there to help, and so would Axel. They care a lot about you, Ray." There was a pause.
A very short, yet oddly scary pause.
"..And I do as well. I care a lot about you. I can't say what DeeJay and Axel EXACTLY think about or of you, but I can say what I think." He was hesitant to say this, it was obvious. Benatars voice was shaky, and this small break of silence made Puff impatient. Too many awkward hesitational pauses with them.
"You're a good person. Maybe you don't act like one, but you truly deep down are. You care for this band, you try for us. That's all we could ever ask of you, yet you even do more than that. You always did the best you could, even when we were all kids. I remember the many times you took me to the office after I gotten badly injured, and even though you called me names for it, you still did that for me. You're amazing, and you mean a lot to me. Like.. a lot, a lot. There's more I could say, but I don't.. know if you'd want me to go on anymore."
Benatar got quieter towards the end of that, and chuckled nervously to himself.
Puff was lost for words, he almost started crying again like a pussy. Benatar was so sincere, it was even so hard for his brain to convince him he didn't mean it. It's so sweet. He is so sweet. Why did they always pick on him specifically again? He honestly forgot right now.
"I.. I don't know what to say. I suck at sappy shit.. uh.."
"No need. I'm just giving some advice and an opinion. I just want you to know people care, and that people want you to be here."
Puff hugged him this time, sort of in a cuddly position. Puff started to like hugs, he's never had many of them throughout his lifetime so he didn't realize how nice they really were.
"Thank you. Thank you so much, I need that. All of it. I don't know how I could ever repay you." Puff was muffled, as his face was hiding in Benatars chest, but it was understandable. Benatar hugged him back softly, rubbing his back.
"I don't need you to repay me, I did this because I care about you. I don't expect a repay, I just want you to be happy."
God, Puff could barely handle this. It felt so unreal. But it was so nice, he wished this happened way before. He's glad it's happening now, though.
Eventually Puff fell asleep on Ben, and he was forced to carry him back to the bunk. But he wasn't annoyed, he was glad Puff could finally get some shut eye, and not be in a stressed out mood before so.