Indecisive Diaries

Heartbreak

Why.

That was the first word she thought of when she saw the scene unfolding in front of her. The boy she desperately tried to gain attention from, the boy that puts a smile on her face every time he talks to her, the boy she loves.

He is holding someone's hands. And that someone is not her.

She could not believe her eyes as she sees him holding her hands. The smile on his face is evident as he looks into her eyes.

Every single detail she sees of them together is nothing less of a punch to her already fragile heart. The tears brimming in her eyes are on the verge of spilling out, but she has to keep it inside, in fear that her deepest secrets and feelings would be let out along with it.

She wants to cower away, out of this hallway that seems to be closing in a little with every second that passes by, but she could not, her feet were stuck on the ground, unable to be moved. Her eyes were focused on something that seems to be imaginary, something that her mind could not wrap around as a harsh cold reality.

At that exact moment, he looks away from her and turns around. As his eyes locked onto hers, she could feel her stubborn heart races against her will. As he smiles at her and starts towards her, she forces a soulless smile to mask the dejection underneath. No matter how much it hurts, she couldn't let it show, not in front of him.

Her eyes planted onto the ground, another pair of shoes other than her own showed up in her line of vision, one that was achingly familiar.

"Hey"

Lifting her gaze to match those melting chocolate brown eyes that she could get lost into, she took notice of something different about him; a blissful aura of happiness was surrounding him. One that she longs to create, one that another girl that is not her had brought about. She knew, he was truly happy with her, but her heart can't seem to accept that, not just yet; it would hurt too much for her to cope.

"Hi"

Plastering a convincing smirk on her face, she turns to look at the back of him to look at the figure standing behind him. Nodding slowly towards her direction and locking eyes with him, she hesitated for a moment. Her facade was slowly breaking as she asked him as casually as her wavering voice would allow.

"So, you got yourself a girlfriend?"

His eyes shone brighter than before, lips turning upwards in a split second as he turns to look at her. His face slowly gains colour as he tugs on her hand, slightly pulling her forward to the side of him, introducing both of them to each other.

"_____, this is my girlfriend...."

She was beautiful beyond compare. The breathtaking clothes she wore complimented her stunning figure perfectly. Her soft caramel locks flowed down, slightly covering her face as she pushed them aside, tucking it behind her ears. She barely had to wear make up, it was clear to see that she was a natural beauty. Her lips slowly pulled into a shy and gentle smile as she was introduced to her. There was no doubt that she was perfect for him. Something that she could only wish she could be.

"... and ______, this is my close friend...."

Friend.

The word was like a stab to her already shattered heart, as if the scene in front of her was not traumatising enough. A friend. That is all she would ever be in his eyes. That is all she could ever be in his life. Just another friend.

Her vision started to blur once more as the tears start to pool in her eyes. She could not bear it anymore, it was too much for her to take. Stumbling a step back, she glanced at him, only to find him smiling at her fondly, almost as if he was in love.

No, it was clear that he was in love with her, and there was no way the she would ever get a chance. His heart now belongs to her, just like how her heart belongs to him, and there was nothing she could do to take her heart back from him.

He briefly looked back on to her,, and his expression changed to one of worry. Giving him a tearful smile, she took another step back.

"I'm sorry, I need to go"

With that, she turned around and ran as fast as her legs could take her. She could hear him calling out her name, but she kept running. As she reached an empty corridor, she started slowing down, letting the tears fall as came to a halt. Her legs gave out as she dropped onto the cold concrete floor, allowing the pain of her torn heart takeover her. Letting out an anguish cry, she hugged her knees tightly as she allowed the tears to wash away her once unwavering front she had put up. Her facade had cracked, and she could not hold on to it any longer.

Her mind raced with millions of thoughts rushing through her. She wasn't beautiful and pretty like other girls out there. Nor was did she have anything appealing to offer to any guys. She didn't know how to flirt or make any guy attracted to her. Who would ever love a girl like her? Who would ever be able to fall in love a girl like herself?

'I'm sorry... I'm sorry you had to see me like that...just let me cry for today... don't worry... I promise I will return to how I normally am tomorrow... I'm sorry.'

p.t.

25/2/2019