Silence (How To Train Your Dragon AU) (Hiccup x reader OC)

Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Warning: has self harm!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I bolted upright, panting heavily and finding myself in a gross layer of sweat. The room was dark, almost pitch black, and I could barely make out the figures of the other girls sleeping. I checked on Harley, seeing him sleeping soundly.

I tried to push the panic away; I tried to quieten my breathing. Neither worked, and I could feel the cries climbing up my throat.

I jumped up, not caring that I was not properly dressed to wander the halls, carrying my trusty pocket knife tightly in my hand, softly shutting the door behind me before I took off running.

Tears poured down my face as I ran, and I tried to contain my sobs as they threatened to take over, my past flooding and overwhelming my mind.

I tripped, reaching the hall I was so desperate to hide in. A sob escaped me, echoing in the quiet hallway, but I picked myself up and launched myself into the familiar room.

I did my best to hold my breath, flicking the lights on for a quick second to make sure the room was void of any other soul before welcoming the darkness, shutting the door as I collapsed to my knees.

Sobs shook my body, and my heart pounded in my ears as my thoughts tortured me. Tears fell, flowing like a river. I manage to crawl to a corner before flipping the blade out.

I lifted my sleeve and hastily pressed the knife to my arm, dragging it painfully across my skin. I threw my head back but welcomed the pain that helped me forget. I made another cut and another and another. I found myself unable to stop and lifted my shirt, pausing to stare at my already scarred stomach before continuing.

Finally, I felt free. I was able to forget as the physical pain overwhelmed the emotional pain. And my breathing calmed. Tears still ran, but the sobs grew softer, quieter, until they became small hiccups.

I leaned back for a few minutes, feeling the blood trickle down my arm and stomach. It was warm, thick, and felt a bit odd.

As the sharp pain faded, I pulled up my other sleeve, digging into my arm three times more. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. Harder. Must forget. Must forget. Must forget.

And then the knife was ripped out of my hands.

Startled, I looked up, no longer watching the blood pool and drip. Wide and terrified emerald eyes teared up, looking between me and my cuts in disbelief.

"Why?" he whispered. It was so broken, so hurt, and so quiet. I barely heard the plea.

I reached for the knife, planning to snatch it back, but he held it out of reach.

"No! Silence, no!"

I gave up, bringing my knees to my chest as my thoughts began to boil, trapping me in an endless cycle of memories and curses of self- worthlessness. I let out a sob and felt a strong but thin pair of arms surround my broken frame.

I started to struggle. I had never had someone to comfort me during a panic attack. I learned to hold it back long enough to get away from Harley, but then I was alone. Help was foreign and unnecessary. I was weak, but strong enough to go through a panic attack by myself. I didn't need help.

But he shushed me, gently, determined. "I've got you. You're safe. I'm right here. I'm not leaving, I promise. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you. You're safe; you're okay." He pulled me onto his lap, continuing his calming words as he slowly rocked us back and forth. His hand went slowly up and down my back in a soothing manner. And he let me cry and cry and sob.

"It- it was all- all my- my- my- my f- fault- t," I cried, feeling him freeze for a moment at the sound. "A- all- all m- my- my f- fault!"

"Shh, what was all your fault?"

"The- they're d- d- dead, a- and it's a- all m- my- my fault!"

"Who's dead? How was it your fault?"

"M- my- my- my p- par- parents- my- my parents. F- f- f- fire," I explained as best I could.

"Your parents? Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. How did the fire start?"

"I- I- I w- was- was a- across t- town- across town, b- but I- I s- saw- saw the- the smoke," I stopped unable to say more. I let out a particularly heavy and loud sob, and Hiccup gave me the minute I needed to calm back down enough to continue. "F- Fire from- from the d- dry g- grass. S- Summer. Surrounds- surrounds village."

"So a wild fire? How is that your fault?"

"If- if home, could've h- helped t- them escape- them escape," I explained. "But w- wasn't h- home."

"That's not your fault," he assured, rubbing my back and holding me closely. I hugged him, clinging to his loose shirt, sobbing.

"All my- my f- fault!" I argued. "Stupid, w- worthless-"

"Hey, stop that. You are not stupid or worthless. You are beautiful, kind, nurturing, and the best mother in the world to Harley. It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done. If you were there, you could've been killed, too. Then who would be raising Harley? And then I would've never met you."

"B- but-"

"No buts. It wasn't your fault, not at all. You didn't know, and you couldn't stop it. You are not stupid, worthless, ugly, or anything of the sort. You are the most beautiful, caring, thoughtful, and intelligent girl I know, and you deserve to know it. You deserve to be happy and loved and held. You deserve a man who can protect you and adore you every second of every day." Though it felt nice to hear, it felt like he had drifted from soothing me to convincing himself of something. "You deserve the world to be handed to you. You deserve the perfect husband who can be the perfect father to Harley, and who will dote on both of you."

"S- Someone- someone l- like you?" I asked, looking up at him. My sobs were turning into frequent hiccups, but I was calming down. My eyes drifted closed, exhausted, before fighting to reopen.

"No, someone better than me," he smiled, kissing my forehead. "Though I wish it was me."

It was many minutes before he moved, struggling slightly to keep me bridal style in his arms. He walked to the door, awkwardly opening it.

"N- No. H- Harley c- can't-!" I began.

"Relax, I'm taking you to my room. I won't do anything inappropriate, I promise," he blushed, "but the bed is big and soft. You can stay until morning, or longer if you want. I can send word to Mrs. Manning that you'll miss tomorrow, and I can send one of the girls to watch Harley."

"J- Just to- tonight," I murmured, falling asleep in his arms.

He smiled, "Goodnight, mi'lady. Sleep well."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~