hi
a lot has happened since i last updated, mostly bad to be honest, but it's all fine
today i had my first therapy session. i didn't want to go, but some kid supposedly reported me to the counselor and the counselor suggested that my mom send me to therapy. i don't know whom the kid was, i just know it's a boy, which is weird because i interact with a grand total of zero boys on a daily basis
i don't really know how i feel about therapy. i still don't know the counselor's name, she didn't tell me, and mom said after but i've already forgotten. she had a curvy pen and the grout for the brick wasn't flat. i think the way they left it was an artistic choice, but it was an annoying one. i could only think about taking a knife and cutting off the excess, so that wasn't good when a woman is trying to figure out what's going on with your brain
i feel like she mostly told me things i already knew in terms of dealing with depression. she kept going on about how i have a good mind and i'm too good of a thinker to be depressed so i had to get better so i could help the world, but honestly, the thought of living exhausts me. i think i don't want to get better partly because if i get better i have to keep living and graduate high school and go to college and get a degree and get a job and earn money and that's just so much work, you know? that probably makes me sound so lazy i'm sorry, but just thinking about all of that makes me wish i could just turn into an intangible cloud of love that follows my friends and girlfriend and mom and mitch around so they never feel sad or anything. i don't know, that probably doesn't make sense, i'm sorry.
my best friend and i were talking about running away to canada once she gets a car and that sounds so nice, i wish so desperately it wasn't entirely impossible.
on a lighter note, i got a job at a local tutoring company. i don't get paid as much as the other tutors because i'm younger than they are so i can't tutor as many people, but it's alright i guess. i'm tutoring two students regularly and i just got a new one today after my therapy session. there are two seventh graders and one fourth grader. the fourth grader is cute and the other two are nice, so it's not bad. it's nice having my own money
my dad picked me up unfortunately. he didn't want me to go to therapy because he thinks they just tell you things that are wrong with you on and on, but mom did it anyway. he took me to dinner and ordered me a hamburger even though i told him i wasn't hungry so i was forced to eat that, and the entire time he was talking about this canadian professor that is supposedly really smart. i don't really know, i was only half listening, but this professor is a professor of psychology and he endorsed trump because a person's peak iq is in their twenties and yeah trump sounds stupid but it's because he's seventy-one and yada yada yada. my dad talked about how he went around the country and won people over and therefore won the presidency but he didn't? hillary clinton won the popular vote? literally the only reason he's president is the electoral college picked him?
i genuinely don't understand how my dad hasn't picked up the hint that i'm not conservative and republican like he is. he knows i'm gay and i lecture my mom and more often my brothers when they say something sexist or racist, but i'm too scared to do the same to my dad.
yesterday i went back to my middle school with my three friends because we didn't have school and my mom works there so we could see our teachers. it was nice, but my favorite teacher probably ever isn't there anymore because he went on a trip around the world with his girlfriend/fiancée for six months, so i couldn't see him unfortunately. i mentioned him a while ago in my old rants book, i talked about how pure he was, so you might remember if you didn't stop reading from how annoying i was. i miss him a lot. he gives really good hugs and i constantly need one.
so far i still like my new teachers. my lit teacher is my favorite, she reminds me of mr. leventhal in the sense that her class sucks and she can't teach due to the other students being disruptive. she's probably the nicest person ever though because she always gives the kids food and her classroom always smells nice and she's such a mom. i love her a lot.
okay i'll stop talking now. i'm sorry this was so long. bye, please stay safe
