I apologize for anyone who reads this and gets worried.
Honestly, this is me ranting.
Please be warned.
Sometimes, I really [Don't like] my family. I just wonder why my mother decided to keep my ass. After all, she was on the pill when she conceived me. That on top of the fact that when I was a newborn, the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. How many times? I don't fucking know. I just feel like complete shit. I hate to burden this crap on you, but I can't hold it in anymore. I feel horrible about myself. My self confidence is shattered. Self worth... nowhere to be damn found. I feel lower than dirt.
Okay.
Lemme start at the fucking beginning. Biological father, walked out on my mom, me and my sister. Did shit to her [my mother] that she'll Never forget. Never came back since. Tried to talk to us by coming to our house. But, he isn't allowed to do that shit. So. My mom divorced and, remarried. And I currently have a step father. Whom I will name StepF. He and my mom seemed happy. So good! Yay. Balloons. Streamers. Fuckin sparkles everywhere. Until me and my sister grew up. I am XX years old. And I can't even with myself. Maybe it's me. Maybe its my stupid personality. Maybe its just my fucking hormones. But. Honestly. I feel like StepF hates my guts.
Anyway. Moving on. They have kids of course. 2 to be exact. The oldest one, whom is his VERY first child, I will name "Eight" and his second child I will name as "Six". Eight is basically daddy's little princess. She gets whatever she wants. When she wants it. How she wants it. With who she wants it to be done with. Of course, this isn't all the damn time. We are an African American family after all. But, just know its basically all the time. While Six gets to go to bed, Eight gets to stay up and have fun with daddy. Six gets yelled at all the time. Told to shutup. Huh. Sounds like me.
On top of that, I usually get yelled at back to back all day.
Okay. I will admit. Sometimes it is my fault why I get yelled at. It's okay. I'm fine. I'll live. (Sadly). Between not getting enough appreciation, or words of affirmation, I'm torn. I feel like they're trying to turn me into some robot. Yeah, I know they are my parents. Yeah, sure. "They Love Me"! But it doesn't feel that way to me.
To me? It feels like they don't want me. Like I was some freak accident that they chose to keep. I feel like an outcast. Like I don't belong here.
Been contemplating suicide for the last 5 years...
Why? I have no idea... It makes me quite upset that I never fully know if this is my reality. Or just a fragment of my imagination... it's scary.
I'm sorry guys... I'm dumping all this shit on you...
It doesn't matter... I'll leave you alone now...
But, just know.
All the people who choose to read this, you really help me change up my day. Make it better. Make me smile. You, yes you, make me happy. Make me smile. Feel like I belong. Here. With you. All of you.
You know when you have those days where you feel like a motherfucking Queen? And other days you feel lower than dirt? That's my life. Everyday.
Also, I apologize for not posting in more recent times. My mom changed my password and email. So, I can't post or talk in PM. When I turn XX, then I'll be able to. But right now.. I can't. If you'd like, you can comment on this chapter or any of my books and I'll be able to respond that way!
I'm trying to do the most I can with my account. For you. I miss being able to comment on your posts... I miss all of you. You guys make my day. Make me happy. Let me know there is more to this world than pain and suffering.
Excuse my rant... I had to let some things go. Maybe later today I'll tell you about something else that happened to me in the past. But, I probably won't... its up to you all.
Once again, I apologize for this.
Have a great day. Love you all.
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