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it was coming anyway.
to me, who failed at every turn when i had all means to make my wrongings into rights
the day when He decides to bring the world it's solemn solution and souls were saved and lost
and some were thought of. lying in the grey area of acceptance and rejection
i was one of them. there was no waiting room perhaps, no line of fear to see where He would place you.
but instead, there was just you. and Him.
together.
when i meet God, i'll bow to his feet and ask him why we suffer for no reason
and why my heart was in turmoil for every moment that passed of my life. why we eat and breathe and laugh and smile as a facade to what's happening to our bodies. why lightning erupts in my tears when they decide to fall
i'll ask him these things and hope he answers
and he does, in a way. he doesn't smile at my arrival, and i cannot blame him. from head to toe i was smeared in battle scars; and every inch of skin belonged to him. i want him to touch it. to touch me, feel the mayhem that brews within the buds of my tongue when i speak. feel me.
he does not. i cannot see him. but he can see me.
he uses adam's breath to speak my name, causing tears to drop onto his glass floors.
questions are asked and i am compelled to answer them, no matter how difficult it is.
why am i here? did i not prove to Him already that the dirt beneath my feet is worth more than the body standing before Him?
why was i held in place, and not hurled into nothingness?
He senses everything i think or do not think, and simply gives me every answer i was seeking for. i ask Him to remove my internal chaos and my external darkness. i simply want to fall - and to remove my feet too, so that i have no means of getting back up.
tearing clouds, He sighs. and speaks.
you were simply meant to be a planet instead of a person
and it is not fair that your star fell into the hands of another
it confuses me, that i wasn't fought for, wasn't held on tighter to, wasn't embraced as i should've been. nothing to do now, of course. nothing to do.
but i have placed you here to tell you that those hands were thrown away.
you, you are free.
and it was my choice now. to decide my downfalls, to ensure my success was real and holy. it was me, and every atom inside me, working as one. finally, me.
i choose, with my given free will, to become everything. eve's rib, cool rain, a warm breeze. i want the earth now. i want her and everyone in it.
and He grants her to me.
i hear his words of forgiveness after we reflect on how i lost him
he forgives me for wanting to fall and die as i am fermented into autumn leaves.
he doesn't praise me for my success. well done are not the words he whispers as i flutter away.
they are thank you for trying instead.
part fourteen (end): judgment day.
a / n: this is the last poem of this collection. y'all idk but i literally cried while writing this bc this is just a fraction of a shit load of feelings i've been feeling lately and i just had a lot of doubts within myself (whenever i say I in this specific poem i am referring to me) so it really hit home and sent me to tears. i think i'll eventually open another collection but i really hope you enjoyed this one. thank you for reading ❤️.
