Lucid (Kaylor)

ii.

The second the words escape her lips, Taylor knows she's made a mistake.

Karlie appears taken aback, biting her lip in a way that Taylor knows like the back of her hand. She is curious, wanting to ask more, but inclined to keep her questions to a minimum, refusing to pry, unwilling to cause her best friend any further discomfort.

"I'm not really sure," the model says quietly, looking down at the breakfast she had left to get cold. "I do know that it's different for everyone, though. Some people know right away, you know. Like, they literally come out of the womb pride flag in hand."

Karlie pauses and watches Taylor, hoping a little humor will make the poor girl look a little less miserable. When Taylor's eyes remain glued to the floor, Karlie continues.

"But for a lot of people, it's not like that. Some people spend their entire lives thinking they're one thing only to find out they're not."

Again, Taylor keeps her eyes down, biting hard into the inside of her cheek in order to keep the downpour of tears threatening her eyes at bay. She draws a shaky breath but it gets caught in her throat and she lets out a pitiful sound somewhere between a sob and a gasp.

"Tay, you know you can tell me anything, right?" Karlie puts down the spatula she hadn't realized she'd been holding and tucks Taylor's short hair behind her ears, her stomach hot when she sees the way the blonde's lower lip is trembling.

"What if I'm gay?" Her voice is so quiet that Karlie almost doesn't hear it. "Would you still want to live with me, even if I was gay?"

Taylor can't stop the flood now, and the dam she had been building since she woke up this morning breaks, tears streaming down her face, her chest moving rapidly as she chokes out ragged, uneven breaths.

"Hey, what are you saying? You're my best friend, Taylor. The best relationship I've ever had, my favorite person to talk to. The only thing that would keep me from living with you is if you were infested with lice, and even then I'd probably still sneak into your bed if I needed a hug. I love you, Tay. Gay or straight." Karlie is hugging Taylor now, pressing the older girl's head onto her shoulder, not caring how much snot is probably now on her favorite sweatshirt.

Taylor is only crying harder now, her tears quickly escalating into a full blown anxiety attack.

Karlie is no stranger to Taylor's anxiety, in fact, she was there when Taylor was diagnosed, there to calm her down when she felt like her lungs might shrivel up, there to coax her into eating when she'd been too anxious to for days. Guiding her to the couch, the model eases Taylor down, sitting down beside her. It's mere seconds before Taylor's head is on Karlie's shoulder, several agonizing minutes before her breathing has finally slowed.

"I'm so confused," Taylor sighed, sniffling and pulling away from Karlie.

"I'm not going to push you, but I'm here. You know I'm here."

Sitting up straighter, Taylor looks directly into Karlie's eyes for the first time all morning.

"Last night, uh, last night do you remember seeing me with a girl?" It's only when she finishes the question that she realizes she's been holding her breath.

Karlie stops to think for a moment, her thoughts still a little cloudy from the ridiculous amount of alcohol she'd recently consumed.

"Honestly, I don't really remember. I don't think so, but I can't be sure. Everything from after around one is lost. But for the hours I do recall, no, I didn't see you with anyone except our usual group of friends."

Taylor had gone over the answers Karlie could've given her in her mind countless times, but instead of the relief she'd expected to hear after receiving this particular response, she felt pure dread sink from her throat into her stomach.