What Keeps You Sane ✔

[+1] Hospital Visits

I didn't remember the ambulance ride. I didn't remember them forcing the pills out of me. I didn't remember them patching up my arm. 

When I woke up in the bright hospital room, the first thing I heard was a nurse screaming about how I was awake. There was running in the hallway outside, and yelling, and soon enough my mother and Allen had walked in with another nurse. My mom soon had tears streaming down her face. 

"Baby," She whimpered at the sight of me. "I should have known."

Allen stayed in the doorway, sadly smiling at the fact that I was alive. My mom rushed to my side and planted a sweet kiss on my cheek. Her face looked so tired, tear streaks and under eye bags stuck out against her features. 

"I'm so sorry, Mom," I began crying. I was somehow thankful to be alive. "I wasn't thinking about you. I'm so selfish." I sobbed into her shoulder. 

"You are not selfish, Mara. You're the opposite of that. I'm just so happy that you're not dead, and that is all that matters right now."

Allen decided to join us then. He walked towards my hospital bed. Tears were visible in his eyes as well. We all hugged and cried for a long long time. 

And for once, I felt as if I might be okay. 

~~~~

Two days later, I had my first visitor, other than the officer that I reported my rape to. He had been a very nice man who actually believed my story. I was told that Killian had been arrested and they were questioning boys at my school that matched my description. 

My visitor turned out to be Yana. She shuffled into my small hospital room, staring at the ground in guilt. I couldn't tell why she thought that she was the guilty one. Her mom whispered something in her ear, to which she responded with an equally soft mutter. Yana's mother then the left the room and shut the door. We were alone. 

I sat up my bed when I saw her slowly approaching. Yana seemed very hesitant, but so was I. She sat down in the chair next my bed and fiddled with a small object in her hand. I opened my mouth after a few uncomfortable seconds, but Yana interrupted. 

"I feel so fucking bad, Mara. I'm so sorry we left you, especially all alone with that guy," She apologised, her blue eyes gazing at me sadly through her glasses. I held my breath in shock, thinking she was still angry at me. 

"You didn't know," I started quietly. "I should have told you guys what was going through my head. I'm so sorry I drove you guys away and lied and hid from you guys, I should have trusted my friends. If I had done that I wouldn't be here right now." 

Yana nodded and looked at her hands again. We mutually forgave each other in silence. After taking a deep breath, she said, "I brought this for you." She then handed me the small object in her hand. 

It was a ring, with a smoky black gem in the center of a gold band. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that the band had a few small words engraved. 

see you on this side

Remembering what I had texted to Yana before I attempted to die, I teared up. I shoved the ring onto my finger and reached to her for a hug. My arms found her even though my vision was clouded. We held onto each other for a long time. It felt so good to be forgiven. 

We finally broke apart, for Yana to glance quickly at the clock opposite my bed. "Trinity will be here soon," She tentatively spoke. Whilst wiping away my tears, my eyes popped open. 

"I thought she hated me," I whispered, flabbergasted. 

Yana shook her head, the guilty look returning to her face. "She only hates Killian. I can't begin to describe how bad she feels for what she said."

My eyes dropped to the floor, and I got lost in thought. Before I was prepared, my hospital room door was opened and Trinity walked in. Her demeanour was similar to how Yana's had been, apologetic and shy. 

I made sure to speak first with her, seeing as she wouldn't bring her head up or move from the door frame. "You don't know how impossibly sorry I am for everything," I uttered, hoping she would allow me to be her friend again. 

Trinity took her gaze from the floor in horror. She apologised over and over and blamed herself. We both said sorry again, hugging and talking everything out. My friends stayed with me for hours before returning home in the middle of the night. It seemed all okay. 

~~~~

Two more days passed where I was fine before everything finally washed over me. I'd lied to my friends. I'd starved myself. I'd slept with tons of guys and contracted an STI from it. I'd hurt myself repeatedly. I was raped by two people, one of which I was friends with. 

And then I wanted to die again. 

I practically hopped out of my hospital bed, tears streaming down my face. I was done being ignorant of my situation as I searched the room for anything to hurt myself with. At last, I came upon a loose nail underneath a small table. I ripped it out of the wood and held it threateningly above my arm. 

I didn't care in that moment if I got a disease, or seriously damaged myself. All I could think about was how hopeless my life was. Why were people forgiving me? 

Just as I was about to bring the nail down on my arm, the hospital room door opened and my mother and a nurse walked in. They gasped in shock and screamed at me to stop. I felt even more tears come down my face as I let go and the sharp object dropped to the floor. I then collapsed onto the ground as well, shaking with sadness. I knew I needed to stop. 

It was time to recover.