What Keeps You Sane ✔

[0] Goodbye

[trigger warning for this chapter]

Of course after I managed to drag myself home that night, I cut myself. I did it over and over, on my arms, on my legs, on my stomach. Of course I binged and purged. I ate everything I could possibly fit in my mouth and forced myself to throw it all up. It was my routine at that point. 

I deserved the pain. I deserved the torment. I was the worst person to ever walk the earth and everything was my fault. Everything that had happened to me was just going against my horrible existence. 

After all of that, I called Trinity, to no avail. I left her a voicemail because I wanted her to know and I couldn't wait two days to tell her what horrible things her girlfriend did to me. I'd go insane. 

"Trinity tonight the worst thing that could have possibly happened to me became a reality," I began, before explaining in great detail everything that had gone down. More tears made their way down my face the entire time. I didn't know what I was hoping for her to say, but her almost immediate text reply was not it. It read:

don't ever talk about my girlfriend like that again you attention-seeking slut. some made-up pity story will never get us to forgive you. false rape accusations won't get you anywhere. preston is pissed at you even more now. 

I felt as if I deserved that reaction, though. I deserved more than just that. 

I sat on my bed and thought, knowing my mom would be home extra late that night. Finally, I made my decision, which I knew was right. It was my only option. And it was what I felt I deserved. 

So I texted every single one of my friends. I sent 'see you on the other side' to Yana, 'good bye forever' to Trinity, and 'i'll miss you' to Andrew. I took out a pad of paper and a pen and wrote to my mother and Allen. I went through many drafts, wasting a shit ton of paper with the need to make it just right. I didn't care, though, it's not like I'd be alive to deal with any consequences. A long time later, and I had completed something that remotely expressed my emotions. 

'there will never be a day that i am a good person. i will miss you guys dearly, and i hope you will reciprocate that feeling. i love you mom so much you will never know. allen i love you as a father. i deserve this impossibly much, so even if you try to stop me, i will still do it. i deserve to die, for the well being of everyone around me. see you on the other side. xoxo'

I left my suicide note on my small white desk, the one that I always hated because it had butterflies on it. 

Lastly, to Preston, I texted 'this is not your fault, i promise. i love you so much preston and i hope what i'm going to do doesn't hurt you much.'

~~~~

~December 19th, 2018

I was seated on my bathroom floor in a criss cross position. The random pills I had just swallowed left a weird aftertaste in my mouth and I was beginning to get dizzy, but I didn't care at all.

Ten minutes prior, I had opened up my mom's medicine closet and grabbed as many bottles as I could carry. I dumped them all on the floor of the bathroom. I was ready to finally get what I deserved. 

Those meds weren't working fast enough, and I got impatient. I wanted it all to end. So I stood up from my cold tile floor and wobbled down the stairs to the kitchen. Once I arrived there, I reached a heavy arm to our knife drawer. I picked up a random one, my vision getting darker every second. I held the too large knife and took it to my wrist, reopening a scar. It burned and stung an unfathomable amount. I cried out in pain loudly. 

I heard the fateful sound of the garage door opening as my grip on the knife was worsening. The knife clattered to the ground and my vision almost completely blackened. My knees were weak and I too melted to the hardwood floor. I doubled over, my bleeding arm causing me extreme pain. All I did was keep thinking about how much I wanted deserved it.

I closed my eyes just as I heard my mom enter the house. Her scream didn't awake me. She screeched my name, which echoed in my ears terribly, and then I blacked out. There was nothing left for me.

I was ready for death.