I get off the bus and make my way towards the door. Ah high school a place where self-esteem,innocence and dreams go to die. Sounds quite charming doesn't it? I walk through the door and am instantly surrounded by sounds of screaming swearing and people blaring there music from there iPods along with the sights of couples making out and groping each other off to the side of the hallway and near stair wells. But that's nothing new.I walk through the hallway passing girls who have barley any clothes on and guys who are so dressed up in sports equipment and jerseys that it looks like they could be the team mascot. I get my headphones out of my bag and plug them In the play fall out boy "save rock and roll".
As I walk down the hall trying to block out the obnoxious kids I go to my locker and take out my math books and put all my stuff away .I am about to close my locker when Amber, Carly and Jordan walk up to me. Amber,Carly and Jordan happen to be my bullies since 9th grade when they started torturing me about me not being smart when I got a C on a Spanish quiz. Now they bully me almost everyday about me not being smart being fat and other things as well. "Ew what smells like fish! Oh it's just you"! Says amber with a wicked smile on her face who Is pretty much the queen bee of the group. I roll me eyes and shut my locker and start making my way to math class "Look how ugly it is"!says Jordan making Carly giggle. I just keep walking trying my best to ignore them "thank god her dad is dead so he doesn't need to look at her ugly face anymore" says Amber. Okay that struck a nerve "Shut up" I say while quickening my pace down the hall "Excuse me"? Says amber obviously angry at my comment "I'll ruin your reputation here faster than you even think"! Says amber sharply "Not that she has one". says Jordan crossing her arms. I turn and walk into my math class a take a seat in the back . the farther the back the better.this way I won't get any attention on me and won't get called on.
Math was horrible I got called on. but only once which is good but of course i had an anxiety attack and sat there like a fool with my mouth wide open until the teacher awkwardly called on someone else.Even thought this isn't the first time this has happened it's still embarrassing so right after the bell rang I quickly got up grabbed my homework and sped walked out the door to my locker.As I got to my Locker I did a quick mirror check. I usually do those everyday to make sure my cuts and bruises aren't noticeable to others. I use concealer but ran out on the bus this morning when I covered up the bruise my mom left on my right cheek. I looked into the mirror there's was a small mark but it wasn't noticeable from far away.
After a few more periods it was time for lunch.the part of the day I hate the most. I walk to my empty table and sit down quietly. Yah I sit alone at lunch suprising isn't it? I wish I had friends but it's my own fault I don't have any. Anytime someone tries to be my friend I push them away and block them out. I'm just so afraid that they'll find out my mom abuses me or find out about my dads death. And anyway who would want to be friends with someone like me.Im a monster.
After the day ended I get on the bus with headphones in and the volume all the way up.I sit in the way back hoping to avoid Amber Carly or Jordan. But unfortunately as soon as they get on they give me a wicked smile and sit across from me. " How's our daddy's girl doing"? Amber asks innocently like what she said didn't just feel like a punch the face.But I don't show it bothers me and just ignore them.
"oh come on now no need to be a bitch about it"! Carly says like this whole thing is just a joke to them.But they know how much it kills me. Amber leans in real close to me like she's telling a secret no one else can ever know."your just a waste of air". She whispers a smile pressed onto her lips. I close my eyes tight to stop the tears from spilling over my eyes. She can tell she's getting to me. "You should really just go home and kill yourself. No one would miss you". She says smiling like she just gave me a compliment."you know that's a great idea you should do it"! Jordan says excitedly. I turn away trying my best to hide the tears streaming down my face "oh did we make you sad? poor thing go cry to your dad about it" Carly says snickering. Just when I think I can't take it anymore it's my stop and I grab my bag and sprint off the bus tears pouring down my face.
When I got home I didn't bother taking my shoes off or setting my stuff down I just kept running till I was in my room,I slammed the door behind me and fell to the floor sobbing.they were right. God they are right. I am a waste of air. I curl into a ball on the floor and sob.I can't breath. Every breath is painful and full of misery. "WHY DOSENT ANYONE CARE ABOUT ME" I scream into the floor. Moms at work and dosent get home until 6. I cry and cry until I feel completly numb and don't think there's anymore tears to cry. I sit up slowly not sure how to handle the pain that consumes me. Then I realize what I have to do. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I'll the make the pain go away. I think to myself.
In the bathroom I open the top drawer and grab a razor. I break the plastic until I can get the blade out. I sit on the edge of the tub and hold the blade about an inch above my wrist. I can't stop shaking and tears are streaming down my face without me even realizing it. I don't want to do this but i can't deal with the pain anymore. Day after day its constant torture. Thinking about it brings on another wave of anger and sadness. And before I can take a breath I dig the blade into my wrist.I breath in deep waiting for the pain to subside. I've never done this before and I didn't think about how much it would hurt.I take the bloody razor and set it down beside me and watch the blood pour down my wrist.
After im satisfied with the scar I stand up get a small towel and press it up against the wound until the bleeding stops. After that I dry my eyes go downstairs put on a oversized sweatshirt to cover the scar and go downstairs.all I feel is numb and broken.
