I was home by 1:45 I walked in through the doorway and threw my bag to the floor, I didn't stop walking.I wouldn't stop for anything. I walked by my mom who sat lazily on the couch. "hey since when are you home so early"? She asked suspiciously. I didn't respond there were still tears streaming down my face and I knew my eyes were raw, so I just kept walking.
"Hey I'm talking to you answer me". She said starting to get up off the couch, walking toward me. I picked up my pace still not saying a word. I'm almost to the stairs if I can just get to my room I'll be safe. I thought.
"You fucking answer when I speak to you"! She screamed grabbing me by the hair and dragging me back so I came face to face with her.
"why are you home so early"!? She yelled
"What? You think your the princess of the house now? That you can just do whatever the hell you want? You were always spoiled by your damn father he didn't know how the hell to raise a kid and look at how you turned out a fat lazy piece of shit"! She screamed her face turning red and the vain popping from her neck.
"No!" I screamed lashing out at my mom and tearing her arm off me
"Your the piece of shit your the lazy one dad didn't deserve someone like you you didn't even love him and you don't love me"! I yelled getting furious spit flying from my mouth.
My mom started at me for a long time and I stood there shaking,tears streaming down my cheeks. Then I saw an expression slowly grow on my mothers face, an expression I've never seen before. A look filled with so much hate and anger that it made my blood turn cold. I wanted to run but my feet wouldn't move. She was angry she was so angry and I was now shaking in fear not anger. She walked toward me calmly until she was face to face with me. She stared at me for a few seconds then her hand reached out and wrapped around my throat. I threw my hands to my neck trying to claw her fingers off me but her grip just got tighter. I stumbled backward struggling to breath until I hit into the wall my moms hand still wrapped tightly around me. Her face was calm but her eyes told me that she might not stop this time. I clawed at her hands viciously ,digging my nails into her skin as hard as I could. Just as her grip was starting to loosen she kicked me hard in the shin making me loose my balance and fall hard to the ground. I felt her let go of my throat and my hands instantly flew to my throat,gasping for air. I felt her hand grip my hair tightly and she pulled forward making my head fly toward her. She pulled upward and I could feel her ripping parts of my hair out. I tried to scream but my throat felt raw. she whipped her hand backward making my head fly into the wall behind me.All I felt was dizzy and confused, I couldn't see anything and I felt like I was going to throw up, I put my hand to where I hit my head and I winced at the pain. My mom grabbed my chin and made me look her in the eyes. "please stop" I whispered hoarsely.
"If you ever say anything like that to me again I won't stop until your body lays lifeless in front of me". She whispers calmly to me. After that she stood up and walked away.
I think I sat there for 20 minute just sitting there crying. I could feel blood trickling slowly down my face and I could already feel bruises starting to form. I was shaking and I couldn't move or think or breath or do anything. I just gotta get up.I thought. But I couldn't move. I wanted it all to be over. I didn't want to live anymore. There's no point no one loves me no one would care if I was gone. After that thought my mind went blank. My mind was filled with nothing. I slowly stood up and as quietly as I could tip toed to my room and shut the door. after that I walked over and sat next to my bed and just silently screamed. I cradled my head with my hands and just shut my eyes and silently screamed to myself. How can I keep going like this? I thought. I didn't even bother looking at the scratches and bruises my mom left on me. In a few hours it wouldn't matter anyway because I would hanging from a rope. Gone,free from the horrors of the world and free to whatever lies beyond. I wasn't scared but at the same time I was terrified. My sadness and pain made me wanna hang ropes around my neck and put bullets through my head. But I don't want to die. I thought. But I also don't want to live. And that thought terrified me to the bone. What do you do when the thought of dying scares you but the though of living scares you even more?
