Rant Book

Fear

I act ok..
But inside...I'm not..
I have the constant fear..
Fear of losing contact...
Fear of losing control..
I'm afraid that if I lose contact with my cousins that I'll snap and drink and Literally drown myself in the alcohol I've been trying to avoid..
The headaches..
The headaches remind me of the constant struggle of fighting back the cravings of the alcohol..
The pain..
The pain of losing contact with my aunt and my cousins..
She's crazy..
She blocked my number..
She left Ohio...
Went to California and closed us out..
Slammed7_ the door shut on her family..
Just like she tried to last year...
That time she succeeded..
She shut us all out..
Like we were nothing..
I still feel the pain..
As if it just happened yesterday..
I still feel the fear..
Fear of losing contact..
Fear of losing control....
I can't stand the pain and the constant fear...
The anger..
That slut..
Ripped my family apart...
She was my aunt...
But now...
She's just some woman..
She's just a stranger..
A stranger with memories..
A slut..
A bitch..
A whore..
A bed jumper...
All words to describe her..
Dead..
Dead to me..
Dead to her own sister..
Skank..
Fear...
It's the type of internal fear that I don't know how to get rid of..
The only way I can is..
Alcohol..
I'm afraid of it..
I don't want to go back..
I hate it..
It  scares me..
I've tried..
Multiple things to let my anger and fear out..
Burning..
Scratching..
Punching the wall..
Suicide attempt after suicide attempt..
Because that slut..
ripped my family away from me.. 
she's the reason I'm in pain..
I try and find an escape..
That isn't toxic..
People..
Places..
Phone calls..
But barely any of it works..
I go into time where I just..
Block the world out..
Ignore everybody..
And everything..
I don't eat during those times..
I barely if ever come out if my room..
I hate it when I'm like this..
Lots of people try and cheer me up...
But it doesn't work..
..I'm sorry to those I've shut out..
I don't mean to..
im sorry...
Amber...