Succumb (A Severus Snape Fanfiction)

|chapter one|

A/N: I present to you, my revised Chapter One! I will be taking down the remaining chapters of the book and republishing them one at a time. I'm going to try to save as much of the stuff I've already published as I can, but there will be several changes. I over thought this book out in the beginning, and over criticized it to the point that I made a mess of the whole thing. To those of you who have waited around this entire time thank you so much for hanging in there with me. I hope I can make it up to you all!

For as long as I could remember, I had been steered to the path of goodness. The path of kindness and understanding, because those around me feared what I would become if I ever stumbled off the road they had so carefully laid out before me. For most of my life, I had been thankful for that. Thankful to have others that cared for me, that looked out for me. I was content with my boring existence. For that is what I had been taught. I had been so afraid of my true self, so afraid of the darkness that lurked within me, that I had never really allowed myself to live.

I had spent so many years so utterly afraid of what it meant to embrace my birthright that I had never considered what there was to gain. For the first time since my abilities had made themselves known, I felt strong. I was no longer a weak, fearful little girl who hid behind potions and meditations. With the acceptance my true nature, I had gained a sort of freedom.

As it turned out, giving into the darkness didn't magically make everything better as the voice had so sweetly promised, though. In fact, it only made it all worse. It was like I was an addict, craving reasons to use my power like it was my next fix, knowing all the while that it was destroying me. I couldn't stop, though, no matter how badly I wished I could take it back at times. The occasions that thoughts of the past managed creep their way into my head were the hardest, but I needed more.

The awful things I did always felt good during the act, and I always clung to the elated in feeling inside of me like it was a lifeboat. I knew once the high wore off and I was alone, the guilt would set in. The gut wrenching, horrid guilt that would rack through my entire being always came after. My power was doing exactly what I was warned of from the beginning- it was tearing my soul apart, and I felt more powerless than ever to stop it. I could barely sleep thanks to the nightmares, and I could barely eat because of how sickened I was with myself. Much like the time Tonks found me outside of the burrow, I had began losing chunks of time as well. Sometimes it was only for a few moments, and other times it would be hours.

To those around me, though, I had become a fortress of darkness. Impenetrable and cold. As far as others were concerned, I had no sentiment. It was better that way, to keep others at arms length. Especially the kind with long, wavy dark locks and swoon worthy voices. The months I had now spent avoiding Severus Snape wasn't helping matters in the slightest, but I hadn't spoken to him since that night in the pub. He made me want to fight the darkness, he made me want to be better. And I was tired of fighting.

My reasoning for being so upset with him that night seemed so trivial now, but it was for the best wasn't it? Why drag him further down the rabbit hole when he could still get out? He deserved far better than me, and once this wretched war was finally over, he deserved to meet someone and fall in love the proper way. He deserved future children who wouldn't be born with my affliction, a lover who wouldn't be so selfish and needy. To put it simply..he deserved peace, and that was something I was certain I could never give him.

I settled onto the windowsill of my small flat, a cup of coffee in hand as I watched the people below scurry along the streets of Diagon Alley. With Voldemort currently rising to power, it seemed most preferred to stay hidden away at home. When they did venture out, they didn't seem to spend a moment too long out in the open. The days between Voldemort's assignments seemed to drag by, and considering I didn't have much of a purpose otherwise, I spent most of those times in my flat. I hadn't expected for my life to take such a bleak turn, but it was better this way.