Habit; Soonhoon

07

♧

JIHOON'S CRYING, NOW. A quivering, sobbing mess on the couch, with his fists balled up and pressed to his eyes. He can just barely get the words out.

"N-Nothing changed, Soonyoung. None of it was ever true to begin with."

"Oh, my God, then why - "

"I was just - " 

He catches himself, looking up and hiccuping because he can't, he can't say it. He can't admit that these last few months and all the heartbreak and confusion were of his own personal issues, no fault of Soonyoung's whatsoever. He can't do that.

Oh, but he should.

And when Soonyoung's glare turns soft and worried, he knows he has to.

"I was just ... I was so insecure, Soonyoung. I was so worried about myself and my own feelings, and I was overthinking everything and I - I thought you didn't love me anymore," he finishes quietly. Soonyoung stares, and his expression is so hard to read, it almost scares Jihoon. He rushes to explain, refusing to make eye contact.

"Be-Because we'd grown so far apart, and when I tried talking about it you would always brush me off, and then I started thinking that maybe you wanted it? The distance? I started thinking that maybe ... maybe there was someone else, and I - God, I couldn't take the thought of it, Soonyoung, the only thing I could think to do - "

"Are you kidding?"

The sheer astonishment in his tone is enough to quiet Jihoon, snapping him shut with a click and a lock in place to keep it so. He shouldn't say any more.

"Christ, tell me that's a joke, Jihoon. You can't be serious."

When Jihoon doesn't respond, opting to stare at his lap and will away the burning behind his eyes, Soonyoung groans and presses himself further into the couch.

"Oh my God, why would you - ? I mean, I get why, but Jesus, that's not - God, I feel terrible - "

"It's not like you actually did anything wrong, you know."

"No, but ... Jihoon, you should've told me that. I could've cleared things up, I could've - we could've fixed things. I never meant to make you feel like that."

One breath, two, three, his heart beat, beat, beating, and he can barely hear himself over the sound of his own pulse -

"Let's clear things up now, then."

Soonyoung sighs, moving so that he can face Jihoon's profile squarely; moving to grab the latter's face and forcing him to meet his eyes. They're serious and sentimental, and Jihoon thinks he can feel the air between their gazes trembling, like two same-poled magnets pressed too close.

"For the record," he starts, "I'd never dream of cheating on you, okay? Fuck, Jihoon, you mean the world to me, and I just thought that - I thought that the whole distance thing was like, temporary? Like just a phase in our relationship, and I was worried that if I said or did anything about it, I'd make things worse, so I just tried my best to ignore it, you know? Which, in hindsight, was the stupidest thing I could have done."

"Kind of, yeah."

"I never meant it, you have to know that."

"I know."

It's terribly still, like everything's frozen in place except for the two of them, chests rising and falling with the weight of what's been offered up. Oh, confessions, lovely admissions; how useful they would have been six months ago.

But Jihoon's not angry. Even now, with his skin feeling tight under tear tracks and his mind reeling slightly, he can't help thinking that Soonyoung looks so wonderful. Stripped down to nothing but honesty and his heart bared completely, he's a delicate kind of beauty; like raw, like pink cheeks and wet lashes, like Jihoon really, really wants to kiss him and put everything behind them.

It can't be that easy, though.

Soonyoung laughs suddenly, if you can even call it that - it's more of a pitched sort of gasp - and he says, "I think you cutting off all contact with me was the worst. I would've sucked it up, you know, dealt with being friends when what I really wanted was to be your boyfriend again, just for the sake of still being able to see and hear you. Didn't happen, though.

"You know what's really pathetic?" he continues, giving up more hollow laughter. "I still texted and called you like, all the time. I think part of me was hoping you'd unblock my number, which you never did, but that didn't stop me."

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm. Here - " He fishes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls a bit, handing the device over to Jihoon. He wants to cry all over again when he sees them all - dozens and dozens of messages, all highlighted red and undelivered, going all the way back to the day they broke up. The most recent one is from less than a month ago, the same week they met at Joshua's apartment, if he remembers correctly.

"I don't really know why I'm showing you these," Soonyoung mumbles, playing with the hem of his shirtsleeve. "It's super embarrassing, I know, but I ... I want you to know that it was never a matter of me falling out of love with you. I never stopped loving you."

Jihoon finally looks up to search Soonyoung's gaze, sniffing despite his attempts to compose himself. When he looks at him, he feels like he might burst, or burn up, or both. Like a balloon lit on fire. Like he's got too many thoughts and too many emotions and the only way he can think of dispensing them might not be a good idea.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he says, swiping at his nose, "and I'm sorry for making things difficult. But you gotta - you gotta know that I was bullshitting with that whole 'let's just be friends' thing, because you thought of it, and then I thought that that's what you really wanted, and I was worried that if I gave in and tried to initiate anything - anything more - then I would just ... make things worse. I didn't want to go through all that again.

"The truth is, I've always been crazy about you. As hard as I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that it's not true - God, I have been, I still am, and I'm the biggest idiot alive for pushing things this far."

Soonyoung watches him steadily, and Jihoon wants to squirm under the weight of his attention. He's exposed a lot of himself tonight, opened up vulnerabilities that leave him feeling far too disquieted for his liking, but he knows that it's for the best. If nothing else comes out of this, at least the truth will have. No more miscommunication and bruises without reason. Now, both of them have the story straight - and that's got to count for something.

Still, a kiss would be nice.

Jihoon isn't really thinking in neat lines when he pushes himself closer to Soonyoung, letting the latter wrap his arms around him and situate him comfortably in his lap, and it's the closest they've been in too long. It isn't until he hears it, feels it, that Jihoon is fully hit with the force of how much he's missed having Soonyoung's heartbeat pressed against him; how much he's missed soft kisses pressed to the top of his head and warm breath on his cheeks.

Now, after so long, he's got it - and he doesn't even want to think about how unbearable it'll be to let go eventually.

Soonyoung's voice comes quiet, cautious, "Jihoon? What are we now?"

"Whatever you want us to be."

Soonyoung's fingers find their way to Jihoon's chin, moving his head back just the slightest so that he has a full view of Jihoon's face, and he doesn't even mind the burning that spread across his skin; for once, he's okay with it, and he's okay with his irregular heartbeat, sending ripples throughout the rest of his body. He's okay with them, like this, intimate.

Soonyoung whispers, "Do you mean that?" and he's okay with the certainty of his nod.

He's okay when the boy leans closer, until there's barely any space between their mouths, and Jihoon can feel Soonyoung's lips brushing his when he whispers, "So we can do this, then?" and again, he's okay with having zero doubts. He's okay, he's okay, he's okay.

Soonyoung kisses him softly, and it's the most vibrant, pulsing okay he's ever felt.