Letters To My First Love

Delusions, Illusions

Unrequited Love

How timid and delicate unrequited love is?

Even though unrequited love find its own way in..its a love that gets trapped inside, unable to find an exit.

Even though I'm the one who started it, without knowing a thing, if he leaves my sight one day..
Its a love that ends in vain without it ever having a purpose..

Never ever even having had the chance to bud or bloom any flowers...

A love that can never bear fruit...like a seed left forgotten..

That is..unrequited love...

-from a Koreanovela titled, Bride of Habaek-

♡♡♡♡

He did keep his word months after, having made an effort on the friendship. Trying to be platonic and all that. I was still so much against it but as I have never had any experience in relationship, I just went on with the flow in the hopes that he might change his mind in time. I was thinking, if I stay a while, he may just take me back as if it never happened...

●●●

*June 30, 2003*

Dear Jeremy,

Its been exactly a year since that break up incident here in our living room. I remember it like it was just yesterday. Days after, we made a pact to try and be best of friends, to which I stupidly agreed just to keep you close, any way I can. I haven't really had a hand at having a guy for a best friend but you have made such an effort, it did feel like nothing much changed, except of course now, every move you make are clearly to be taken as platonic.

To be honest, I'm still trying to swallow in that fact. I have built my world and possible future around you in just a short amount of time. I guess having done that was too much. I was caught up in the thought of having my first boyfriend being my last. I obsessed over this belief that you were the perfect one for me.

It's ridiculous, but I am trying my best to put on a happy face everytime you call me, "bez", just like how my two girl best friends do. Every time you send me a message with "luv u bez" at the end, I feel like my heart's being stabbed a hundred times. I wanted to ugly cry every single time but my tear ducts just won't cooperate anymore. I have cried for you one too many times, it must have dried up.

I never wanted just to be a friend to you but then, if that's the only thing that would make me a part of your life, I will try my hardest to be one, but I cannot really promise that I'll be a good enough friend for you.

Your birthday's coming up. You're going to be 22 now. How time flies! Lucky I'm still around to greet you on that special day even if I'm not officially yours anymore.

Today, you asked me if I can join you on Tuesday since we're both free that day, to watch a movie. I naturally, agreed. Its my way of rewarding myself in a way. Although, I can't say I'm yours anymore, at least I get to see you and be near you once in a while.

I don't know why I torture myself like this but it is what it is.

See you soon, my love.

Rianne💕

●●●

*July 2, 2003*

🥂🥂🥂The night after the movie hang out🥂🥂🥂

Dear Jeremy,

Platonic: (adj.) A type of relationship that is both intimate and affectionate but not sexual (e.g relationship of brother and sister, family or friend)

There was NOTHING platonic with that movie "hang out" tonight. The moment we settled ourselves on our seats, as the movie marquee rolled in on the big screen, and as the lights were turned down, the tension that was building up between us from time we saw each other at the mall lobby to the popcorn and ticket stand, all that fizzled out when you suddenly, but gently turned my head to face you and kissed me like there's no tomorrow. It has been about 3 long months since we last saw each other.

I was totally surprised but I wasn't one to complain as I missed your kisses all these time. That was the first time in a long time. I eagerly, and yes, stupidly responded, like its the most natural thing in the world. I haven't had time to feel guilty at all nor think that maybe you have a new girlfriend and all and here I am, kissing you back like a crazy deluded bitch.

A tear escaped me and that was when we parted. I wiped it off abruptly and you touched my face to clear it off completely. You gazed back at me the way you used to and you pulled me close to you as I settled my head by your side and kissed my hair. We watched the movie like how we used to, you even held my hand from time to time.

I was confused but at the same time really happy. I have never felt so intensely in love with you like tonight. I felt my heart was going to burst. I loved kissing you again that it made me wish we could do more but as it is, I'll settle with what I can get.

This friendship thing is going nowhere, but I'm glad I'm still with you.

Rianne 💕