Letters To My First Love

Caught In The Middle With You

"Damn you! Just ask me to wait and I will. Ask me to understand that things will be difficult but that when this period is over, we'll be happy, in love and together. Please stop with the dreaded respect line. I don't want you to respect me, I want you to want me.

- Lauren Weisberger -

♡♡♡♡

You know that song that goes, "what do we mean to each other, am I friend or a lover?", I was caught in that stage with Jeremy. I tolerated it for the fact that I just wanted to stay with him for as long as my body would allow. But aside from the physical exhaustion due to my heart condition, I was also mentally and emotionally exhausted, but as I did love him for so long, I just couldn't give up.

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*July 17, 2003*

Dear Jeremy,

Today, you told me that you got your non-professional driver's license. I can see you building your life piece by piece now, slowly but surely, which made me realize that you really are doing much better without me demanding love and affection from you. As for me, I'm just trying to get by every single second, grateful for the time passing without anything more unusual happening to me. Grateful, though its quite dreadful, that I am still able to write stuff for our thesis defense at the least.

I am doing my best to think of you more in a platonic manner but its getting harder everytime as you say things that convince me that we are better off friends, but the moment we see each other, your actions take back what you just said.

Our situation right now is impossible. My Asian Civilization professor once said in one of his impromptu lectures that, in life, there are only two choices. The right and the wrong, left or right, yes or no. It's either you choose the right or the wrong path, go left or right. There's no neutral outcome. In every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction. In our case, its either you love me or not, you want to be with me or not. It wasn't ideal that just right after you broke it off with me that we stayed friends or at least attempting to.

My best friend knew of our situation, and she thinks it may be best that I ponder on considering you non-existent. But as it is, I can't. I've only got a few months left and I want the remaining days to be with you, whatever we are right now. I don't need the labels, I just need to be with you. I don't really care anymore.

I'm about to die, what else is there am I to do? I'm not even sure I'll make it to graduation, but hey, here's to hoping!

As I am about to finish this letter, I received a text from you asking if I'm free tomorrow and you even added that you want to see me because you suddenly missed me. I miss you too but I had to reject you once again, as I am to meet up with a group mate for a thesis write up then.

I hate the times I don't get to see you. I hate it more that I have to pretend everything is normal. If only its not a damn pathetic soap opera move to tell you that I've only got some time to live...

I want to be with you so bad right now...

Rianne 😭