Beach Wedding of the Year

Ron Cheating Bastard Pond

Three girls, all seemingly blonde twenty-somethings, emerged from the direction of the Around the World resort. Stace and I had noticed them earlier, cos they all looked so alike. Model-tall and thin, except one; they wore identical 'sunnies'and almost identical dresses in varying pastel shades, and had those stupid little hat things people call 'fascinators.'We thought they looked dumb and we'd love to push them all off. They certainly looked like they'd come straight from the races. And now they were making a bee-line for the wedding party. At first, they were hobbling along in their stilettos, but eventually the sand and twisted ankles got the better of them and they all took their shoes off; like in unison. It was so funny.

At first Stace and I thought they were late guests, but as they came nearer, we could see they all looked grim; you might even say on the 'warpath'. By now, other guests noticed them, especially the blokes in Ron's wedding party.

"Phwoar, look what we have here. Hello ladies! If youse weren't invited, youse all are now. Phwoar!" And the blokes nudged each other and began showing off. Whit punched Ron and snapped at him to control his mongrel groomsmen.

The three blondes came to a sudden stop directly in front of Ron and Whit and took off their 'sunnies', again in unison.

"Hello ,Ron cheating bastard Pond. Remember me? Your neglected wife. How do you think you can marry this chick when you're already married? Geez, hasn't anybody checked?"

Then one of the tall girls landed a whacking punch on Ron's jaw. Ron fell backwards into the sand, but none of the groomsmen attempted to help him up. They were too busy ogling the three blondes.

The guests all gasped and were nudging each other, whispering, "Who's that? Who's she? What a punch. Wish I could deliver one like that."

Meanwhile,Ron was lying on the sand, his legs in the air like a stranded beetle. Best man Rory eventually pulled him up and helped to dust him off.

There was a stunned silence for a few minutes until Roz Pond demanded to know what the bleep was going on and what the freaking hell did this tart think she was doing.

Whitney, too, angrily turned to Ron and said, "Who is this bitch?" Have you been cheating on me? Tell me she's lying." Whit and Roz were talking over the top of each other in a garbled screaming match. We know it's mean, but it was all so hilarious.

All of a sudden, it dawned on most of the guests who the girl was. None other than Ava Arthur - the high-profile WAG who'd recently split up with her equally high-profile footballer boyfriend, Aaron Ackland -accompanied by her two 'besties', Alyce and Ange. Stace sneaked up behind Whit and took a quick photo of the three angry girls confronting Ron and Whit.

"Hey, bitch in red," one of the two friends shouted (Stace wore red and looked fantastic), "no bloody photos, or I'll smash your phone and your stupid face."

Stace came running back to me and we both took selfies again. It was a moment to remember.

We should just explain quickly about Ava and Aaron. They've been joined at the hip for like, two years, until four weeks ago, when Aaron hooked up with Ava's arch enemy Abby Gale (yeah, that's really her name) in a Kings Cross nightclub. It was all over social media, as anything to do with these two usually is. All our friends call it the Ava and Aaron show and watch it relentlessly, including us. There was also a rumour that Ava had gone out in revenge and married a mystery man on the Gold Coast. Could it actually be true?

Besides all her appearances on social media, Ava is also seen regularly on Breakfast TV, promoting her lingerie line called WAG-Tales. Her two besties, Alyce and Ange, are there too, modelling the various pieces much to the delight of the camera crew.

Next, you wouldn't believe what happened. Britney, Whit's maid of honour, stepped forward and tapped Ava on the shoulder and astoundingly she held out a piece of paper and pen for Ava to sign an autograph.

"Are you serious, kid?" snapped Ava. "OMG, this party is full of teeny-boppers. Obviously Ron's a cradle-snatcher as well as a cheating bastard."

"Yeah," insisted Brit, "and can you like forge Aaron's signature so I can show my friends?"

There was a scary silence and people behind us were tittering and chatting between themselves.

"Ava's going to bloody pop a valve in a minute," we heard one say. "Geez, that kid's got nerve."

In answer to Brit's question, Ava did explode and yelled, "No bloody way. Don't even mention that guy's name to me, you little moron. Now piss off, back to your mum. You shouldn't be let out alone."

Ava's two friends giggled and poor Brit burst into tears. We felt kind of sorry for her, cos she's so dumb and really doesn't have a clue.

After that episode, it didn't take Roz Pond long to start demanding answers.

"Somebody - anybody, especially my dickhead son -explain what the hell is going on?"

"Mum, it's nothing. Yeah, I married Ava one night on the Gold Coast in a Casino, but we was both drunk as skunks. Ava was upset about Aaron cheating on her. Everyone said we made a cute couple, so we did it for fun, for a dare. It shouldn't count; like, there must be a piece of paper or something I can sign to un-marry Ava."

"Idiot features,"exploded Roz, "there's no 'piece of paper' you can sign now. Geez, you're so dim."

"Well, you're my mum and you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, either."

"Bloody kids,"said Roz. "Geez Ron, I was thirty hours in labour having you, in freaking agony, so show some respect, please."

Whit had fallen onto the sand and was bawling her eyes out, saying, "My beautiful beach wedding is all stuffed up. I hate Ava; make her go away. I hate you too, Ron. You stinking, lying piece of shit."

Then Coral, the wedding celebrant, spoke up. "I'd like to know what's going on, too. Is this wedding happening or not? Because if not, I'd like to go home. It's so hot and I tend to get sunstroke."

"You're not going anywhere, Coral. You're being paid to stick around,"hissed Roz contemptuously. "Go for a quick dip in the sea; that'll cool you off'."

Just then, Dr. Una came to the rescue and offered to let Coral sit down under her beach umbrella with its inadequate shade.

We heard Coral say, "I'm just appalled by this event and these people. They're all so vulgar, even Ava. Who'd think she'd act and talk like that? She seems so pretty and sweet on TV. Please, I just need a drink of water. Then I'm going home."

Oh Coral, we're not surprised at all. Ava's just like the rest of us when the TV cameras stop rolling: a skank. You can't take any notice of the fake upper-class image.

Ava spoke up. "I'm leaving, too. This is humiliating and as if I haven't been humiliated enough lately, what with Aaron and Abby and stuff. I wouldn't be married into this shit family for any amount of money, which by the way you don't have enough of, Ron. You're just a crappy used car salesman; you wouldn't be able to afford me. I can't believe I was silly enough and drunk enough to believe you when you told me you were a corporate boss. Bullshit. As for your slag of a mother, she ought to be in the Detention Centre permanently."

It was then that Roz lunged at Ava, Alyce lunged at Roz and others seemed to be taking sides. All the women were scratching and hissing like alley cats. The groomsmen thought it was a huge joke and began cheering them on. Finally, Dr Una and Dr Ray called the cops, and to cut along story short, they arrested Ava (who they were very excited to meet), Alyce and Roz.

The cops of course knew Roz from previous incidents.

"Ma-a-ate," said one of the cops."Look who we have here: Mrs. Pond, lining up for another holiday in her home away from home, the Detention Centre. Too bad we don't have a pool for her to swim in."

"Yeah, mate, answered the other cop. "Shame she has to be taken away in front of all the guests. No more bubbly or beer for you today, luv."

They both laughed and that was that, but Stace and I saw Ange, the other 'bestie', make a quick exit from the scene with one of the groomsmen. They nicked a couple of bottles of bubbly on the way out. We hope it was too warm to drink. We don't think Ange can be trusted and we don't like her. Just a hunch.

Whitney was carried up to the Around the World resort, where Dr Ina Eppit (Dr Una's sister), administered her special blend of Herbal Medley Tea, which is foul and lethal and should be put on a poisons list. We heard that Whit threw it all up anyway, as you would.

Wendy Wells returned saying she was sorry for all the drama, but that she and Wally:remember, Wendy and Wally are Whit's parents, wanted everyone to continue to party and enjoy themselves. Whit was recovering from the shock and wouldn't becoming back, they said.

By now, the weather was changing; sand was whipping up and waves were choppier. We thought people would just pick up their stuff and piss off, but then Rabbit Man started playing some Seventies music and, in spite of the crackly old speakers, everyone leapt up and began to dance, including us. We felt sorry for poor old Whit; though we always thought Ron was a real douche bag, but we luv, luv, luv a beach party.

Stace and I thought we should explain something. Dr. Ina Eppit has created her own range of diet products and weird diets. One of her more extreme creations was the cauliflower and broccoli diet, besides the Herbal Medley tea. Of course, no one in Jewel Park was interested in these concoctions, but her ideas seem to have taken off big-time in the up-market suburb of Beauvais Heights. Dr- Ina has now moved there and is making a shitload of cash. I wonder what we can do to make bucket loads of money. We must look into it.