Endless

Chapter 3; Low

     Blood. It gave us life and almost as suddenly, could take it away. As I watched it drop onto the floor, the thought of a pistol to my temple eased the never ending pain I felt. I could pull the trigger like it was nothing, and this state of depression would end; I'd swore I would never let it take over me again, but that was easier said than done. But that was not an option. It had been months since I last talked to Blaze. And in that time, before I went to sleep every night, my mind wandered back to the day he'd shut me out with saddened eyes. I still remembered the pained expression on his face. I longed for his voice, his heartbeat, his scent, anything to tell me he was coming back. Taylor said I often spoke his name in my sleep. She'd watched the life fade from me like the memories of Blaze were slowly starting to. I could hardly picture his angelic face so perfectly like I had once been able to do. It used to come so naturally to me, but now I was even lucky to catch a glimpse of him at school. I was scared to admit that I didn't remember what he looked like anymore. I had started going to school again, pretending I was fine. I think everyone knew it was a lie. I would think of him, always, until my lungs gave out.

      I sat now, in his clothes on the floor, crying, cutting myself. At that present moment, I felt beyond dead. Four months was the precise amount of time for the depression to start over. I hardly put any effort into my appearance or spoke. The urge to talk was crushed by the urge to try and find a reason to live. I failed to find one, although Taylor reassured me there was one. Somewhere.

        I'd agreed to meet Hunter that day, to make up, after accepting the fact I couldn't run from my problems. We'd started talking to each other again only weeks ago, but I felt I owed him a second chance. I was still scared, though. I forced myself to move, debating on whether or not to get dressed. The occasion seemed important enough to look my absolute best. But the rising excitement or preparing myself, trying to look beautiful, was in vain. It would be complicated anyway. My apparel usually consisted of mix matched socks, skinny jeans, and a band tee. I opened the small drawer Taylor had cleared for me, expecting t find something of my own. She pranced up to my side, holding out a dress. It was a mini dress; already out of my league, not that dresses were my thing in the first place. I took the black dress from her, silently agreeing to try it out. After I returned, Taylor stared in awe. The dress was tight fitting, and showed off my cleavage. In between glances at the clock, I hurriedly brushed my hair and did my makeup. I used a thick streak of eyeliner both under and on top of my eyes, making a cute spiderweb design at the corners. I finished with silver eye shadow and mascara. Reoccurring thoughts of the possible  and almost impossible things that could happen made me distractingly wary. I rethought my decision, sort of like the angel and devil shoulder thing. The angel told me stay there, where I was safe suffocating in heartache. But the devil's arguing statement appealed to me more. To live it up for a night, was not such a bad idea. In this moment of slight desperation and anxiety, most people, the smart ones, would choose the angel's offer. The problem with me was that I wasn't smart enough to turn down a risk.

      The door opened ajar again, Taylor's lime green painted fingernails silently sliding it aside. She peeked around the corner as if unseen. Her mouht gave a small twitch, her eyes glazing over. I darted forward to hug her. The gesture made her smile. I think she liked the fact I looked more alive than I had been in the past couple months. Pulling away to look me over, her grin grew wider, almost to the point I thought she would be consumed by it completely.

      "I'm astounded. You look like my Starr again!" she exclaimed. I just laughed. Perhaps this was a good thing after all.

I looked at the clock once more. Eight forty. Hunter said he'd be there at nine o'clock, but knowing him, he wouldn't be. He was never one time, much less late. The doorbell rang, Taylor's scowl becoming more discouraging. We both knew who it was, and she wasn't impressed. She'd hoped Blaze would be the one taking me out, not Hunter. She rolled her eyes, running to get the door. I followed. Behind her, I watched as the door opened. I kept my eyes down in case he looked at me.