Endless

Chapter 4; Breathe

I was frozen. The water surrounding my body was warm, but I was frozen. I couldn't anything but just sit there, staring at my toes. My arms laid on top of the edge of the bathtub, my hands gripping. What for? I'm not quite sure. A week had passed his the incident. It weighed on my mind like a ton of bricks. It was in my dreams. I felt if I were to walk, everything would just fall through. The days and nights seemed the same. Time was nothing but still, and even then it had no meaning. There was darkness everywhere; nothing could take away the grief I felt. It truly was a raw feeling. I slid back into the water. I slid back until I couldn't open my eyes. I could feel my hair floating. The sounds of the surface and the stillness below mixed together. The water pushed down on my, hard. The less I struggled to breathe, the more disoriented I felt. That was exactly what I wanted. My body tried to heave forward, but I pushed it further down. The burning in my lungs increased harshly. I took a water filled breath. I gave in and let the water take me. My body shot from the water, with the force of a cannon. My eyes fluttered open, as my body sucked in all the air it could.

     Breathe.

And I did. I wrapped a pink towel around my body, and lay on the bathroom floor, breathing. 

     At the breakfast table, fully clothed, I made my way to the creaky old chairs. Holly and Taylor occupied the other two. We'd decided we would go together. It would hurt less that way. Taylor's mom, Amber, placed a plate of pancakes in the middle of the table. None of us really ate, but sort of nibbled. The tension between us ceased through casual conversation. It was an hour before we had to go. How I dreaded having to leave the comfort of my home. But I couldn't miss Sky's funeral. 

We each got ino our black dresses. They were nothing special, just plain. We drove to the funeral home.

The smell of flowers irritated my nose. All eyes were on us as we entered the huge double doors. They knew we'd been the last people to see him alive. There were people crying, carrying on normal conversations. I wondered how they could. Sky had died, and all they cared about was what was happening in the exciting lives of the living. As we took our own seats, I tried my hardest to be invisible. The staring continued. I wished they would all do something, anything but sit there and stare. A few more steps, then we could get everything over with. The guest book was left beside the casket. I doodled my sympathies to Sky's family. They hadn't even shown up. Off to the side were picture of Sky. I had to stop looking at them; it made my gut wrench. The flowers beside his casket were frail and droopy.  Sky looked so peaceful. They'd dressed him up in a black suit with a white tie, and flattened the spikes of his hair. It looked like he'd been sitting in the rain too long. Holly started to cry again. We sat in our pews, listening to the service, mourning. The front row where his family would have been, was empty. I was disgusted. 

Soon, we were being driven to the cemetary. Everything stayed quiet. We stood on  either side of his grave, trying to pay attention. Holly clutched a handful of tissues, every single word sinking into her. Taylor diverted her gaze, as not to make eye contact. A small stream of sunlight shone onto Sky's grave. They lowered the casket slowly. People started leaving, no longer wanting to face the unbearable truth. I then stood alone, thinking, hoping in some way, that Sky could hear my thoughts.  I watched as the dirt was thrown over him, until it reached the top. And I slipped my rose on top. My last goodbye. And then I saw him. He wore all black, and even though the hood of his sweater was up, I knew it was him. He made no effort to reveal his face from his  hair, but I could almost feel his cold gaze sweeping over me. He stood with his head down, paying his respects from afar.

     Breathe.

I started towards him, one of the few pieces I had left inside dying when he turned his back to me. I ran now. Cutting off his path, I hugged him, hoping he would do the same. Another piece of me died when he  just stood there. I half expected him to push me out of the way. But to my surprise he did nothing of the sort, only removed his hood. I'd become oblivious to my surroundings, focusing on him only.  I tried to say a million things at once, but no sound left my lips. It felt as though it would be impossible to say anything to him again. The sun slowly disappeared behind yet another grey cloud, thunder rumbling in the distance.