Shine like a diamond

Chapter Five

When I woke up, my eyes were all swollen. I had cried for most of the night and as a result my sleep had been affected. The visit from all of Aqours helped me get my confidence back, wash the horrible thoughts away but still, in the back of my mind, there was space for a little bit of doubt. There always was and always will be. I will always, no matter what, doubt others. It's been that way since I was a little kid, since a little after I met Ruby for the first time. I tend to forget the positive and happy things that happen in my life only to leave space for the bad ones. I overanalyze my relationships with others, finding problems where there are none.

There are days where I wake up with absolutely no reason to get out of bed. I feel so worthless that I believe I'd be better just staying tucked in my bedsheets all day. There are days where that same feeling of worthlessness doesn't appear before a few hours into the day and there are also others where the feeling of not meaning anything to anyone doesn't even appear, at all. It's quite sporadic actually.

So really, yesterday wasn't the first time I had felt that way. I have been for most of my life. I had simply hoped that this relationship with Ruby would chase the monster away. The monster that's been messing with my life, making it miserable. A monster with a name, a horrible one at that, a monster with no face. A monster invisible to others, but a monster present nonetheless. A monster who I just realized possessed a power that many of us humans yearn for: invincibility, immortality. A monster living off of its victim's happy times and memories, sucking them out like water. A monster capable of killing its host should no more happy visions become available to feed itself off of. Thankfully, my monster hadn't grown strong enough yet to even come remotely close to killing me but it's something I always feared could one day happen.

It was a monster known to others as one word, one terrifying word: depression.