suicide hotline / phan

21

(another really shitty chapter, sorry guys. If you think it was actually good then let me know, but personally I think it was awful haha 😂 )

*DAN'S POV*

"No, you can't do that" I say, my voice gradually becoming more and more stressed.

"He's right, you can't" Phil says from beside me, clearly having the same reaction.

"I'm sorry Dan but we can't let you leave here if you're life is at risk" He says, ruffling those fucking papers again.

"My life isn't at bloody risk!" I lie, beginning to shout and raise out of my seat.

"Due to the injuries you have just sustained, I would have to disagree with that" He says, still somehow staying calm.

"Look- I got overwhelmed and I fucking cut myself, it's not a big deal. I've done it before. Now please, listen. I'm not going to kill myself" I say, mentally pleading that he'll let me go.

I've never been to a mental hospital before, but I've heard bad things about them and I know I don't want to end up there.

"Well, if your progress is good then you should only have to stay in for a week, maybe even a few days" He sighs, clearly trying to convince me.

If my 'progress' is good then I leave early. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm eighteen, surely I have control over myself and where I do and don't go.

"Isn't it his choice if he goes or not?" Phil says, clearly thinking the same thing as me.

"Not really, Mr. Lester. If his life is in danger then it's in our hands to protect him" The man says, and I feel my anger levels gradually rising.

"My life isn't in fucking danger, okay?!" I snap. "Just let me go, please"

The man sighs.

"Let me contact the mental health specialists, and I'll get back to you" He says, and stands up. "Please wait here for a moment"

As soon as he leaves the room, I throw myself into Phil's arms, and begin to sob.

I'm so pathetic, I can't even control my tears.

"They can't do this, Phil" I sob into his shoulder. "They can't"

"Shh, it's going to be okay" He says, and I feel him stroking my hair.

He places a kiss on my cheek, then eventually making his way to my lips.

"I won't let them take you" He says, looking into my eyes.

I can tell that he's trying to act strong, but I see the truth in his eyes. I see the fear and the anxiety.

"But what if they do?"

"Then we'll get through it, and you will get out"

I put my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and willing for what he's saying to be true. My blood is racing from yet another lack of nicotine, and that's when I realise I need to tell Phil. If we're in a relationship, he deserves to know. Especially after tonight.

"Phil" I sniff, looking up at him.

"Yeah?"

"I've still been smoking" I say, hoping he won't be too mad.

He closes his eyes for a minute before opening them again.

"It's okay" He says, quietly. "I just- I wished you'd have told me"

I nod.

"It's just, I don't understand.... anything, really" He says, and I raise an eyebrow. "I don't understand why you do it"

"Well" I begin, preparing myself to explain something complicated. "It- it kinda calms me down when I'm overwhelmed. And I know it could harm me and stuff, but I honestly didn't really care when I started... I still don't"

He sighs.

"Well, I care" he says, stroking my hair. "And I want you to try and quit"

I swallow.

"I- I don't know if I can" I say.

"I'll help you"

"How?"

"I don't know, I'll find a way"

I smile half-heartedly.

"Thanks" I mumble, placing my head back on his chest.

"Dan?" He says, and I raise my head.

"Yeah?"

"C- can you try and explain what happened please?" He asks.

Memories flash in front of my eyes and I try to fight them away, but I know that Phil deserves to know.

"I- I was getting overwhelmed. I just felt worthless and stupid" I begin, and try to shake the awkward feeling I get when sharing my feelings. "I couldn't get rid of it, and it built and built until I didn't know what else to do. There was only one thought in my head, only one way to get rid of the feelings. So, I found the blades and I did it. And then, then I felt-" I struggle to find the right word.

"Calm" Phil answers for me. "From watching the blood, knowing you caused it. Knowing you can control it"

"Y- Yeah" I say, and then raise an eyebrow. "How do you know?"

The doctor walks back into the room and I scramble back into my seat, off of Phil's lap.

"So, I talked to them about your case" He says, sitting back down. "They have said that because your last reported Suicide attempt was more than six months ago, you're not considered by the hospital to be at high risk of suicide anymore"

"Does that mean I don't have to go?" I ask, sitting on the very edge of my seat.

"Yes, it means that you don't have to go" He replies, and smiles softly when me and Phil sigh in relief. "However you do still have to stay the night, so that we can observe the effects of the alcohol"

"Okay" I agree, just glad that I don't have to go to the mental hospital.

"Well, I guess I should show you two to your room" he says, and we all stand up.

I don't know how to feel, I don't really think I feel anything.

It's easy for me to put on a front and act like normal, to talk like normal and smile. But on the inside, I'm breaking down, and I don't know how much longer I can handle things.

Nothing is as enjoyable as it used to be. Life is a bulldozer and it knocks things down from the inside out. First it takes your head and thoughts so that the enjoyable stuff on the outside is only fake now, it's a mask to paint what's really going on. And eventually it'll destroy that too, there'll be no more paint to cover things up, no more mask to convince yourself thins will be okay. And then there's nothing. Nothing to live for. No point to live: because after all, everything dies. It just depends how quickly you let it slip away. Last night proved that. Even happiness dies, for some people they'll just never have it. I know that now. I know that I'll never be okay.

I know that I have Phil, he's the only thing keeping me here, but nothing feels right, nothing feels okay and I don't think I can hold myself together right now. I'm losing hope and I don't think I can even try anymore.

I don't think I ever will.