Notes

Oct 24 2018

Today it is a little bit complicated. I was feeling weird in class and I wrote my feels out on a paper. Not sure if I will publish it here because I'll have to type it all and what I wrote on the paper was very long.

But right now I'm also feeling not ok. And it's not particularly something confusing, it's more like something happened. But it is giving me hella anxiety and I want to let it all out.

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so I didn't need to write it down because I already talked it all out with a friend and I'm too lazy to write it again, even more if I don't need to anymore.

But I still want to post the one thing I wrote in class so here it is.

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It feels empty. It feels like I have to look for something but there's nothing anywhere. It feels like I should be doing something, like helping. But I'm not. It feels like I'm doing everything mindlessly like I'm on automatic. It's been a few days like that. I keep thinking that "it's okay, I take a nap and everything will be fine", but it's still not fine.
Mg mom keeps asking me if I'm okay and I feel terrible for lying to her and saying that I am. But I can't tell her the truth. Because she will not understand. Mang times I've told her when I felt like shit and nothing changed, it even worsened. So I don't wanna do that again.
Cause she's right though.
Why would I not be fine?
I have friends, a mother who loves me, a roof over my head and food on the table.
I have nothing to complain about, as she always says.
So I guess I'm fine.
I guess I'm back to hiding my feelings from loved ones.
It's not as if they care.
See, everything goes. No one cares.
The world keeps turning and the sun keeps shining no matter if I'm fine or not.
That's uh,,, crazy.
I don't like that lmao
God, I'm also having a very self conscious moment. Well, not as much. I just remembered that I'm ugly lol. That makes me sad too but who cares.