This Is Me

Oct 24, 2018

I'll start this one off with saying that starting next week I'm gonna change the scheduled update period for this journal. It'll be updated weekly, starting this Monday coming up, on Sunday with a written summary of every day in the previous week. This will work for me in a way that won't inundate me since I have school, work, band, and theater to balance in my life. Another thing though: my (ancient) laptop hasn't been cooperating with me and that's the reason there's basically a week's worth of entries missing from here. My apologies. I'll summarize those days to the best of my abilities in  one paragraph.

After my last entry, marching band began to pick up quite heavily in preparing for our upcoming competitions. That means that we got overworked, basically underfed, and got virtually no water breaks because it's "getting colder". 

Warteville wizard, a play for children about recycling and not littering literally everywhere you go (a lesson some...a LOT of adults couldn't hurt to learn) has begun picking up in rehearsals for my Advanced Theatre 2 class. Iv'e been memorizing my lines and other positions' lines as well, since this is my second year doing it. 

I've been trying to balance out my friendships and my relationship and apparently I'm not very good at it. I've got numerous random people coming to my ex, Drea, asking her several questions about why I'm with Rory or why Drea let me get with Rory. Since Rory and Drea haven't been on good terms for years because of a situation that I deemed kinda simply idiotic (I have indeed heard both sides of the story), people are watching me and Rory with an eagle-like eye, butting in and being nosy in affairs that have nothing to do with them. Fortunately, and luckily, Drea wants to know nothing of me and Rory. I guess she doesn't want to be in the middle of a situation that she doesn't care about. 

I can extend on that too. Remember that note that I was gonna give to Jacki? Yeah...it was torn up and thrown in the street by my own hands reluctantly. I had written the letter, poured all of my questions and feelings of reluctant hate into it, found an envelope and tried to get Drea to just...pass it along. She wanted nothing of it (as she had a right to deny), but then she brought all my other mistakes about the two of them up and I tore the note up in emotion. It was rash, I know, but it felt right. I shouldn't have brought it to her in the first place, but she was the only person I trusted with this situation since her and Jacki (both of my exes, mind you) are such good buds and have been ever since the end of the school year (the time Jacki decided I wasn't worth a response or anything to her, without warning or explanation, I might add).

Now I'm currently dealing with relationship problems with Rory. Time and time again she'll make me feel like shit for spending time with Drea, who's a good friend to me, and then get sad about making me feel bad, which makes me feel worse and slightly like a plague to literally anybody I come into contact with. Jacki already made me feel like a plague upon people and didn't try to fix it, save for the BS excuses she gave me as to why she supposedly didn't mean to. I thought I had gone away from that feeling, but I'm stuck into it again. Jacki is already the sole purpose for the 3 attempts on my life I already have. I came to a fourth a while back when I gave some friends a life story of pleads, begging them to never leave me and they dismissed the whole thing  saying it "made them uncomfortable". Understandable I guess. I came close to a fifth with Rory. I'll expand on that another day but...that would've been it, if I had done it. My parents wouldn't have been there to stop me that day.

I think I'll stop on that note...too much thinking. Goodnight partly random people. Live long and prosper.