The Eternal Grind of a Restless Mind

Living the Nightmare

Day 5
Jacky was frustrated that she had not had any visions however the shaman thought she had done some work on removing her blockages and tomorrow's personal ceremonial icaros would be focused on letting love in.
I explained my experience and also that the darkness had tried to pull me down a few times, that I told it that I had more important things to do like healing, acquiring knowledge and had escaped its charms. I knew at some point I had to go deep into this. The darkness, the abyss, sit in unbearable fear and pain to really heal the root of my suffering. The shaman however said that my personal song in the next ceremony would be based on helping me experience the light. I don't think I can run from the darkness much longer however.
Today is a day off however tomorrow we do Sapo before breakfast and then ayahuasca in the evening.
Sapo is another type of venom from a toad that can only be found 5 months of the year in the Senoran desert, Mexico. The shaman and facilitators described the difference between the 2 medicines.
Ayahuasca leads you on a 4-5 hour journey to explore yourself and the world. I would liken it to my mother, she is gentle. At times she will discipline you, maybe even hit you but she does it all because she loves you and wants you to learn and be better.
Sapo on the other hand I would liken to my dad. He doesn't care about being gentle, he smashes you right around the head with the brutal truth and moves on.
Sapo lasts less than an hour and is like experiencing the most hard core ayahuasca trip. It brutally smashes through your mental, physical and emotion walls to heal you. It has no time to mess around, no consideration for taking things slowly. Just like a doctor who lacks bedside manner, their only concern is getting the job done.
Day 6
Feeling pretty low today. I slept from 4-7pm yesterday, Jacky woke me up just in time for dinner. I wolfed it down and got myself ready for the night trip to see the Caymans. I had to get fully covered in layers so I was roasting and the mosquitos were really irritating me. We got back and I felt a bit empty but not in a great way. I couldn't work out whether I felt this way because I was processing the events of the past few days, or whether it was something else. We walked around a local village and, as it was Saturday, the bar was open and music was playing. I could have sat there and got really drunk on Peruvian beers. Maybe it was that. The first time I'd really been reminded of drink and drugs in the time I've been here. I just wanted to go to bed.
Woke up this morning in a similar place and opted not to go out on the jungle trek with the group. I sat on the rocking chair on the porch overlooking the river and tried to be with my thoughts in order to understand what I was thinking and feeling. Cocaine kept coming up. If I could get some right now I'd do ridiculous amounts and was already planning on getting some when I got back to Iquitos. If I'm honest this feeling had been building for days. Silently planning, considering whether when we got back to Iquitos for our group meal on the final night, would it be acceptable to get really drunk? Could I even sack the meal off and get high? It would be against everything they've advised but did I really care what they thought? I may never see these people again. Seems I have a lot more work to do to get rid of these urges and I'm not even back in a place where temptation is even in my way.
I'm hoping the aggressive Sapo experience later this morning might help. Whilst all my experience so far has been around healing my pain, and understanding my existence in this universe, I haven't as yet had any breakthroughs in realising that I'm poisoning myself and should treat my body better.
I fear I may have to go into a dark place to face this. I may have to experience my own death a million times in gruesome ways to understand where I'm heading or maybe I will get there another way. I'm also nervous about doing Sapo and ayahuasca in one day when I'm not in a good frame of mind. Maybe this will be the day that makes or breaks me. I don't want to be around anyone today.
I listen to music, chain smoke and sit alone.
Just come down from doing Sapo. It was nothing like they said it was going to be like. I first had rapé blown up my nostrils. Rapé is a stronger version of Nunoo that I did on the first night. It served to centre me. I sat cross legged on the end of the mat meditating whilst Tamara got the Sapo ready. Sapo is bought in crystal form and is put into a large test tube with a lid with a rubber suction pipe coming out the top. With the crystal in the test tube, Tamara heats it with a lighter until the fumes of the crystal fill the vessel. Much like burning heroin on foil and inhaling the fumes but this method prevents wastage. I sucked on the the rubber pipe and inhale the fumes in one go. Evidently my bong days had served me well.
Almost instantly I felt amazing sensations running through my body. My head slumped and my nose and mouth dribbled all over my trousers. I didn't care. I certainly won the prize for least graceful experience. As I went first I didn't get to see anyone else before me. Turned out they all laid down and saved their dignity. I had no such luck. Contrary to what I was told, that Sapo would smash through walls and show me what I needed to see, I experienced timeless bliss. Blissful light. Maybe that was what I needed to see? I was in Nirvana. No thoughts. Not at all conscious of my physical form, I hurtled through swirling rainbows. It felt like I was flying but there was no movement, just utter stillness. The last thought I had was trying to have an intention. I thought to myself, addiction, show me how to break free. The speaker in front of me blasted beautiful meditation music with flutes and my body seemed to be moving to the music. Occasionally I drew in full body breaths and blew out slowly, which felt like I was creating wind that blew forever around the universe. I also felt tension. My hands stretched and fingers waggled in a slow and deliberate action expelling the last bits of tension and then I was flying again. Total bliss. Total nirvana. When my head lifted up Tamara was there controlling my energies as if she was playing an imaginary accordion. We exchanged an all knowing smile. I want to do it again, I feel amazing.
Maybe I had a different experience. Jacky and another guy have just come up in floods of tears, they must have seen some heavy stuff.
Turned out Jacky was crying because she didn't have an experience of bliss like everyone else. She came out in a really bad mood, crying and angry and felt like people hadn't shown her any empathy and wanted to lash out. I felt the weight of her emotions, I wasn't in a good place. There was an emotional tension in the air
Day 7
So I finally had a bad trip last night. It was quite harrowing. My own state of mind had me going into the ceremony worried, I knew I was going to head to a dark place. The medicine took a long time to work today and the Icaros seemed flat. There was no feeling of love. I woke up feeling ok emotionally however physically I felt battered and bruised. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the balls.
Whereas previous nights were full of connections to the plant world and the energy of vibrations, last night was all about animals and unfortunately they were all out to get me.
In group share the shaman spoke to me for about 5 minutes as opposed to the usual 30 second summary he typically gave to each of the group. He couldn't believe that I was scared of the visions I received from the medicine and I wasn't scared of cocaine. He talked about the process of making cocaine with the gasoline and loads of other dangerous things that go in during production. He also talked about the number of times I've put cocaine into my body and how that's changed me. For years I've built an illusion around me, a make believe world of strength and confidence that had entered every part of my mind, body and spirit. He also said the animals were the dark spirits that I'd created inside of me. The message was that I needed strength, strength to fight these demons and realise they don't serve me. He said they will sing me an Arkana song tonight which is focused on sealing in the good that I'd learnt and would protect me from the bad spirits that would always be there when I left.
It resonated hugely with me, I know I'm weak. I know I've made myself weaker by poisoning myself for so long. I want to be strong but sometimes feel helpless to fight the battle on my own. Having someone to love helps but papers over the cracks however I need to find inner strength.
When the medicine kicked in last night, it was all about the animals lurking in the dark, waiting to take me down. I had all the textbook visions initially of jaguars coming out the darkness, sneering, snarling, laughing at me, telling me my days were numbered. This was my darkest spirit unwilling to let go of its control over me, trying to scare me into submission telling me I was too weak to fight them.
First came the snakes. The snakes were cunning, sneaking up on me but whenever I spotted them, they retracted, pretending they weren't about to attack. They would come up around my body like vines slowly growing around me and when I broke free, a huge anaconda head would come from above, hissing its tongue, telling me to back down, know my place, how dare I try to escape them. It became clear I was their food source, their nourishment. They knew the key to their survival was me being too weak to fight them and they were panicking that I was developing a strength which would result in the cessation of their existence. At this point after cowering on my mat, constantly trying to avoid their gaze, I found some strength. I was so fed up of being plagued by them I just gave up and said "listen. If you've got something to say, then say it. If you're here to help me, then help. If you're just here to scare me then I don't need you. If you're here to eat me alive, then let's get it over with." They were perplexed by this. I thought they would pounce but my acceptance of their presence and display of confidence scared them. They continued to sneak around me all night. Increasingly I had shooting visions out the corner of my eye of little bugs. It felt like the start of David Bowie's Labyrinth where Sarah is in her little brother's room. All the little monsters are hiding under the bed and in the cupboards. They show their faces but as soon as Sarah turns around they hide. They didn't want to be noticed. They were lurking, watching, waiting until my strength dropped and my weakness grew. That's when they would pounce and lead me to feed them with cocaine.
I felt I'd come out of my trip early in terms of being enveloped in visuals and felt a tremendous sense of relief. When I went up for my one on one song however I realised I was still paranoid and petrified. Marc is a big, old, American guy who kept falling over when he took the medicine. He was talking very loudly and aggressively purging. It was like he was shouting and vomiting at the same time. I became so scared that he would fall on me, I couldn't even concentrate on my Icaros. When it ended and I went back to my mat, I realised the trip was far from over.
Jacky tapped me on the shoulder and asked if we could hold hands. This was nothing like last time. Last time, after us both drinking 2 cups, our trips ended at the same time and it was a very clear break. This time, I had started tripping hard after the fear I felt from the Icaros. After a period of time, Jacky said she didn't want to hold hands anymore. I was fine with that as I had a lot to deal with on my own however I later found out that I'd transferred all my negative energy to Jacky and she became frustrated and bored. I felt bad.
Now on my own again, the violent visions got worst. It became apparent that giant locusts and tarantulas were looming over me. I felt like the huge legs of these insects were waiting to spear my chest but again, they were reluctant to strike. I started to slip downwards through the earth which was disconcerting as the moloca was the last bastion of security I had. As I drifted down, I became enveloped in a cocoon, maybe mother ayahuasca was trying to protect me? Wrong. I realised the tarantulas were preparing me like dinner, the cocoon was a trap. I realised there were hundreds of cocoons that the tarantulas were weaving together with their saliva and webs. The aim was suffocating its pray. If I moved, then they would strike so I'd stayed put. Petrified. Helpless. Every time I turned around, locusts would hiss. By this point it became very clear that I wasn't going to get out, I was being held before slowly being killed. I turned over on my side at this point and felt a different energy, I started connecting with the plants again. I looked down from the cocoon and could see the cocoons were being supported by the plant vines I'd met on previous trips. I felt there may be redemption ahead. The plants were singing, talking an indescribable musical language. It was gurgling, modulating, resonating and it became clear that these were the Icaros the plants passed on to the shamans. Were they trying to pass them on to me? Or communicate with me in some way? Were they trying to save me? As soon as I asked this I was thrust back up into the grasp of the tarantulas. I tried to look around the room to ground myself but by this point everyone's faces had turned to scary animal faces. Even Jacky's face kept morphing into a viper. There was nowhere to hide. I sat in fear, unable to escape.
Jacky left the moloco for a while and I suffered alone. When she came back I felt such a positive energy come back into me. I focused on her and we chatted for ages until the visions stopped. I felt free. I felt like I'd lived to tell the tale. I felt strong.
I realised now that my intention was to deal with addiction and that's why it showed me my demons. I'm going to try and connect with the light tonight. Its fair to say I'm nervous about drinking again tonight. I think it might get dark but it's my last night with ayahuasca so I'm going to go big. There are some emotional wrecks around the moloca today. They've been to hell and back and are emotionally drained.
One guy from Norway, Marius, has been consistently eaten alive by beetles. He has a wound on his finger and is convinced that it actually happened. The facilitators have explained it wasn't real but he can't get his head straight. He thinks he's losing his mind. When we spoke briefly today, I tuned into his energy and it was dark. When I was tripping, I thought I saw a dark spirit in front of me, then it touched my foot. I realised it was Marius but his aura was terrifying. He asked me who I was and whether I could help him. He was in a bad place and scared the hell out of me. Tamara stepped in and took him back to his mat.
One more chance to heal. I'm still thinking about getting cocaine as soon as I'm out of here but as a release, not feeling like doing it all the time. Maybe that's progress? Only time will tell.