A Book of Short Stories

The Restaurant Catastrophe

This story is written in Shakespearean and is our first play so of course, it is not the best. The translations of the dialogue come right after the Shakespearean dialogue in the same paragraph, so it might be a bit confusing at first.

(Smith John and Sarah Lance-Amethyst Crostworthy III are sitting at a table in the fancy restaurant Giodorano's. John Smith walks over to the table to check up on them)

John Smith - Good den! Earl John Smith 'tis thy name, owner of this fine establishment. How thy time hither hast been, mayst I bid? Good evening! My name is John Smith, a person of high English nobility as well as the owner of this fine establishment. May I ask how your time here has been?

Sarah - What a coincidence! This goodman hither is mine cousin Smith John. Comical how alike thy names art, is it not? 'Tis fortune (wink, wink). I am Sarah Lance-Amethyst Crostworhy III, however Sarah, thee mayst calleth me. What a coincidence! This fine man right here is my good friend Smith John. Isn't it funny how similar your names are? It must be fate. I am Sarah Lance-Amethyst Crostworthy III, but you may just call me Sarah.

Smith John - (Quietly) Bonjour, good to meeteth thee. (John Smith leans in to hear him better) To sup thy food for the first time, I camest hither this day. Methinks 'tis very good. Hello, nice to meet you. (John Smith leans in to hear him better) I came here today to eat your food for the first time. I think it is very good.

John Smith - (Leans away again) I am hap to heareth that thy art enjoying the food! Thy food, how 'tis it, maid Sarah? (Leans away again) I am very happy to hear that you're enjoying the food! How is your food Ms. Sarah?

Sarah - Well, while I might sayeth that 'tis not the worst food, it doth not taste good at all, methinks! A logger-head that canst not cook a medlar correctly, is thy chef ? Well, while I might say that it isn't the worst food I have ever tasted, I don't think this tastes good at all! Is your chef a dimwit who can't even cook a small apple-shaped fruit properly?

John Smith - (Taken aback) Well I wouldst never! Dispatching the ones that wouldst not maketh the cut'st, I hire only the most prominent chefs in this country! Art thee sure that the ability to taste, thee hath not lost? (Taken aback) Well I would never! I only hire the most prominent chefs of this country, making sure to weed out the ones that wouldn't make the cut! Are you sure that you just haven't lost the ability to taste?
Sarah - (Motions to food) Thee taste this, if thee dost not believeth me! If you don't believe me, then you taste this!

John Smith - Fine! (John Smith takes a bite of the fruit and covers his mouth with his hand in disgust) I shalt go fetch the chef that madeth this, and hath him personally apologize to thee! Fine! (John Smith takes a bite of the fruit and covers his mouth with his hand in disgust) I shall go fetch the chef that made this, and make him personally apologize to you! (John Smith walks off of the stage to get the chef)

Smith John - (Still quiet) Thou dost that, wherefore didst ? Taste that bad, thither is nay a way thy food canst, and now people looking at us, thither art. Why did you do that? There is no way it could taste that bad, and now there are people looking at us.

Sarah - (Sarah stands up, looks around, and then raises her voice) Look'st this way, alloweth the logger-heads to, to all of those who dost not realize the justice I am doing them, I bite my thumb! (Sarah stands up, looks around, and then raises her voice) Let the dolts look this way, I give my middle finger to all of those that don't realize the justice I am doing them!

Smith John - (Raising voice slightly) Lour thyself! They all bid to enjoy their food in peace, but thou art betossing them, bethink about what thee art doing! Sit down! Think about what you are doing, they all wish to enjoy their food in peace, but you're interrupting them!