It never feels great to be in a constant state of worry. That too without a reason. To be depressed but not know why. To have a fear of losing something you can't even figure out. Or to feel you've already lost something. Maybe it's someone or something, you're not sure. And it sure doesn't feel nice to mourn over that loss. You feel hurt and deceived. Everyone seems fake to you. You can't trust anyone without feeling like you'll be returned with betrayal and agony. When you keep all your maddening emotions and feelings to yourself because you feel like if you shared them with anyone, they'll judge you. And they do! They judge you when you at last open up about it all to them. When your inner turmoil reaches the surface and gets out of control and you decide to ask for help.
When you believe their lies of not judging you or not getting bothered by your useless and pitiful problems. They judge you and they do get tired. And when you start baring your soul to them, it weighs so heavy on them that they tell you that you're being too dependent on others. And that asking for emotional help from others might make you seem like an "attention seeker".
But what attention would one need for their depression? Does it feel good to be so low and pathetic that you cry your stupid problems to others? What good attention would one possibly get from it? Wouldn't it make you lose your self-respect and your respect in their eyes? Of course it would. It would make you sound like a whining, annoying and aimless person. And if that's the "attention" one would seek for, then you sure are an attention seeker.
You're an attention seeker because whenever you feel suffocated, you open your heart's window to someone you trust, welcoming them like a breeze of fresh air. So to breathe in their comforting words and assurance. You obviously are an attention seeker when you're crying your heart and eyes out and you let that person know you're doing so, for you want them to stop you. To save you from yourself. Because you hurt, you hurt so freaking much!!! Every inch in your body aches from feelings you're not even sure of. Your eyes hurt to the point where they start burning with your tears. When your sobs are deafening to your ears. You really are an attention seeker when sleep flees you and you ask that one person you hold close to your heart to talk to you. To help you forget about the world and yourself. But despite you asking so shamelessly, they return you empty handed. And there's no other way but to cry yourself to unconsciousness. Others might call it sleep but it's unconsciousness for you. You feel half awake and half asleep.
Aware of the mild pangs of sadness and loss.
But what makes you go insane is that you don't really know why you're feeling the way that you are. You don't know what's bothering you and why you're feeling dejected. You just feel like a part of you has been lost. That your most valuable treasure has been stolen. That your happiness has been snatched right from your hands. And you're left with empty, open palms. Not having a grasp on anything at the end. When every beginning gets ruined for the fear of its end. When every happiness feels like lightening before the storm of sadness. When you feel like you'll never be able to have a grip on your soul. And no one understands you. Instead they misunderstand you for someone you're not even close to.
You're lost in a place blanketed with darkness, not knowing which way to go. Where to put your steps. And you have to keep walking your path all alone. Because whenever you try to find light for yourself, you're gifted with firebrands burning you. And you see a little bit of your way but your pain gets worse with each further step, forcing you to drop them and learn finding your destination all by yourself, embracing your darkness. Because you don't want to be a weak, dependent, shameless, worthless and pathetic person. And you definitely don't want to be an ATTENTION SEEKER!
