Realist Of Mortality : Blog

Nights

Every night was the same as before. Almost laid out like dominos, if you started bridging them, knocking down; That's what I saw in my repeated nights. And the days, would be like resetting them.
Why I was finally hired just before fall, i did not know. The outside became colder and colder. And me walking in the nights and mornings became dreadful.  Not on a manner term of me hating walking but as in, what I thought ,when I was alone, walking.

Usually before the midnight shifts, to work, id catch a glimpse or two at the stars above us. I mean, How they made me question so much. Like impossible numbers to count to, or Like how many fucking milkshakes go through a day on the job. I made milkshakes, and to make things a little more stereotypical, I smoked cigs, Occasionally. I guess killing myself would help, at some point in life to get a break in every other 30 minuets. I fucking hated them. Cigarettes, how they looked, how they felt. Even the smoke escaping in the air didn't look cool. Nothing was cool about smoking cigarettes. Damn, I'm literally hypocritical towards my own actions. I guess signs show through every detail. It makes you wonder why someone would want to kill themselves over fucking milkshakes.

It wasnt just milkshakes, Just don't clap or snap at me to get my attention..! now that shit... it'll take someone to a place where they want to line up a dozen filled carved pumpkins with explosives and shoot at them in a pets hospital. Not killing anything, but fucking obliteration to the whole incarceration to these in cased animals. Some of them had casts on because dogs are to stupid to not fuck every fucking pillow in the house. So they get their balls chopped, removed, and replaced with a bottle of questions like why the hell am I a woman. Now animals can't think like humans do.. but if my fucking dick was cut off. Id wanna killmyself.

Anyways, I guess relieving some of the work stresses are the walks back in the mornings. Sometimes it'd still be dark as night or just rising for another morning.

Over time you could see it all happening in seconds of smaller seconds.

        ~

Jumping in The showers from getting home. The front office still hasnt sent someone to clean this black mold off the cieling above me. I tried to get in and out with the least amount of me breathing. Kinda  plopping, laying in my bed, thinking of falling asleep. Blam. I just remembered the dishes were slowly rising to a point where I go to use the microwave and another fucking roach crawls from under it. Yep. This bowl of mac and cheese can stay a bowl of mac and cheese. And I didnt even like these apartments. And the worse picture. The roaches were through the whole radius of the complex. Guess we're all some gross mother fuckers. Definitely am going to break this lease soon. But something on my mind over matter. This damned feeling of me being the most alone person in the world.

Despite my family, despite my roommates and friends, even when I'm with my girlfriend. I feel, alone. Don't ever ask someone whats wrong if you have no intentions to better the scenario. You could end up making them overthink their self to death. Lucky how I'm still alive.. after that fucking hell of a life from yesterday. I was finally in space, sleeping in the floating abyss' s pool of wonders and wisdom. The sleep was catching up to me. But I was catching up to curiosity.