"Describe it to me"
"I- I can try... It's like suddenly there is no air in the room and this, god I'm stupid, this hand is just squeezing my lungs. My chest starts to hurt like crazy, I'm shaking. Usually I start walking around or throwing up"
"This is nothing unusual. Anxiety and panic attacks are nothing to be ashamed of, Mr. Dun. You can learn to live with it."
The dark hoodie didn't really do anything against the cold wind swirling around Josh as he walked up the stairs to Tyler's house.
His therapist's words stuck in his head.
He didn't want to live with it. He wanted it to be gone. He didn't want to feel scared anymore.
Jenna opened the door and gave Josh a warm smile.
The drummer had been staying with her and Tyler for a couple days now. They had a few weeks before the touring started again and Tyler had refused to let Josh be alone in Los Angeles.
"Jishwa! How was it?", Tyler came around the corner, a big smile on his face as always when he saw his best friend.
Josh couldn't help but cheer up a bit as well.
Damn, Tyler just had this effect on him.
"It was okay. He showed me how to breathe and stuff,"Josh mumbled, feeling kinda dumb. He was an adult, he should know how to breathe by now.
"Awesome! You will be surprised how much that helps,"Tyler grabbed his arm,"Come on, I had this one melody stuck in my head all day. I need some good drums."
And so the days passed. Between playing Mario Kart, making music and enjoying Jenna's cooking, Josh went to see Doctor Brown twice a week. They kept a tight schedule so Josh would be ready when they started touring again.
It was nice. Josh felt calm and like things were getting better. He only had one panic attack, when the news had discussed him passing out on stage, but he was able to get through it quicker with his breathing exercises and Tyler by his side.
He didn't want to leave.
Josh was okay.
---
It was their first show of the new tour. The venue wasn't that big. Roughly 2000 people and they had practised the songs many times.
Still, Josh's hands were shaking and his heart was racing. Sweat was already covering his back and he felt like he had run for hours.
Hands clapping on his thights, he paced around his dressing room. Unable to focus on a single thought.
A knock and Mark's voice through the door, saying they were ready to go, let him whimper.
He couldn't go. He couldn't do this again. His mind screamed at him to stay backstage, to call it off, to not go on stage, but Josh forced his legs to move.
He felt like he was underwater as he walked down the floor. Voices muffled and there was no air.
A hand laid on his shoulder pulling him out of the haze.
"Remember what you've learned. Breathe."
Josh grabbed Tyler's voice, nailed his mind on it, banned every other thought from his brain except for Tyler's words.
Gaze directed to the ground, he breathed in.
Hold for 4.
Exhale for 4.
Hold for 4.
Inhale for 4.
Exhale for 4.
The pain in his chest loosened as he continued to breathe evenly and deep.
Josh's hands didn't stop shaking, but he was able to look up to Tyler and send him a reassuring smile.
Then he stepped behind his drum kit, picked up the sticks and breathed.
---
Josh was soaked in sweat. His whole body was burning and his hands cramped around his drumsticks. His cheeks hurt from smiling.
Tyler was talking on the piano, fingers lightly dancing over the keys. The crowd screamed.
They had only one song left and a couple more shows until they were taking a break.
Josh took a sip from his water and let his eyes wander over the crowd. He finally felt at peace. It had took him a lot of work but he had managed to overcome his fear. It was still there, scratching under his skin, making his arms sweat more than normally, but he knew he had it under control.
He wasn't scared of the stage, it was his home.
"Give it up for my good friend, Josh Dun!" Tyler called through the speakers and the fans went wild.
Josh picked up his sticks and banged on his drums.
Thank you.
"Josh doesn't like to speak on stage and if he does, it's mostly through his drums, but I want to say a few words," Josh looked over at Tyler who shot him a quick glance.
"A few months back, something happened. I'm sure you all remember it."
Josh felt his mouth go dry and his heart speeding up.
"I don't think I will ever forget it. My best friend over here collapsed on stage."
Josh closed his eyes, panic constricting his airways. Flashes of him getting up in panic, trying to run, falling, appeared in front of Josh's eyes.
"But that's not the story I want to tell today. Because that's not what's important."
4 seconds inhale.
4 seconds hold.
4 seconds exhale.
repeat.
"I want to tell you about Josh, my best friend. He gets scared sometimes and that's okay. It's okay, Josh."
Josh opened his eyes again and he found Tyler staring at him.
"Because when you get scared, you want to run and you want to give up. But you want to know what he did instead?"
The crowd, unusually quiet during Tyler's speech, cheered up again. Screaming and clapping.
Josh didn't loose eye contact with Tyler for a second.
He raised his arms, hands lingering over his drums, tension building up.
"He fought back!" Tyler exclaimed just as Josh bashed down. The fans nearly drowning out his drum fill and Tyler's words.
Josh didn't stop drumming until the cheers stopped.
He had fought and he had won.
---
"Josh? Are you alright in there?"
"Yeah, I'll be out in a second"
Clammy hands cramped around the toilet seat, muscles aching in protest as Josh hoisted himself up.
He had spent the last half hour locked in the bathroom, throwing up his breakfast.
It was their last show for this tour. A big arena, many people, the final moment.
Anxiety had been waiting for Josh when he had opened his eyes this morning.
He hadn't been surprised. There was always something special, something important about the last show.
There was also this nagging voice in the back of his head, telling him to be worried about the hiatus.
Josh would be in Los Angeles, alone.
Tyler would be in Ohio, writing and spending time with his wife.
Of course Josh would still see him a lot. He had already made plans to visit his family and there wasn't a chance he and Tyler wouldn't text daily.
Still, it was scary.
They had been touring for so long and now it was just over.
Josh flushed and opened the door. With quick motions he washed his mouth and took a couple sips from his water bottle. Then he left his room and paired up with Tyler on the hallway.
The singer shot him a comforting look and squeezed his shoulder.
"You good?"
Josh nodded and counted breaths in his head.
He could do this.
Josh motioned for Tyler to come over.
They had almost finished their whole set and the crowd was filled with energy.
"What is it?" Tyler asked, screaming over the fans.
"Can I say a couple words at the end? It won't take long" Josh asked.
Surprise crossed Tyler's features but he agreed.
Josh picked up his sticks again and swallowed the panic rising up in his throat.
"Okay, okay, guys. Before we are going to end this, my good friend Josh wants to say a few words" Tyler turned to Josh who stumbled onto the middle of the stage.
His heart was hammering in his chest and every bone inside of him was screaming at him to stop.
What was he even doing?
He didn't talk on stage?!
He was a drummer, not a singer. That was Tyler's job!
But it was too late, Tyler pressed the microphone into Josh's shaking hands and took a step back, leaving Josh at the front of the stage.
He cleared his throat. The headlights were so bright in his eyes, he barely could make out any faces.
Sweat, and not just from the drumming before, was running down his chest and he felt his breaths getting smaller.
"Calm down, calm down, calm down",he mumbled to himself, forced air deep into his lungs and raised the microphone.
"I'm very scared right now, but that's okay," the crowd started to cheer, but Josh only focused on his words, trying not to mess up, "At the beginning of this tour, I haven't been the best. There had been this- this fear inside of me. And it evolved into something very big and dark. And then I passed out on stage and everything just got worse"
The fans were quiet now. The lights had been dimmed and he could see people with tears staining their cheeks, supporting smiles plastered on their faces.
He looked over his shoulder to see Tyler watching him proudly. He gave Josh a nod.
Josh turned his attention back to what he was trying to say. Words were not quiet making sense in his head but slowly forming a message on their way to his mouth.
"But I wasn't alone. I never was. It took me some time to realize that but I had Tyler and my family and you guys. I was always supported and loved. And it- it had been a tough ride and I'm still so- so scared, but it's better now. I'm- You-," his brain started to shut off, heat rising up to his head.
"I guess what I'm trying to say-," he stuttered now and the fans were yelling his name again,"I want to thank you and tell you that you are not alone. If you get scared or sad or whatever, you are not the only one out there. And it's not who you are, unless- unless you let it control you. But you can fight. So-," Tyler was at his side again, placing an arm around his shoulder, "Just- Fight it. You can do it!"
The ending was shaky, breathless and Josh stumbled over his words more than he liked to, but the crowd exploded.
The people were screaming his and Tyler's name, shouting at them to stay alive and thanking them for everything they had done. The amount of energy and love rolled over Josh and knocked the air out of his lungs.
Tears started to fill up in his eyes but he refused to cry right now. With a slightly crooked smile, he raised his hands into the air and just let himself fall into the moment.
"I'm so proud of you," Tyler yelled in his ear with a beaming smile on his lips.
Josh placed himself behind his drum set, picked up his sticks and played.
Josh got out on stage and drummed his fear away.
That's what he always did.
---
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stay alive frens x
