down in the dm's • nomin

37.

ever since he was little, jaemin had dreamt of love. he'd stare up at the night sky, far past his bedtime, and imagine that his soulmate was out there somewhere, seeing the same stars.

as he got older, he started looking for her. the girl who set his heart on fire, a girl who made everything feel right. he dated a few of them but nothing ever fit, he never felt complete.

then he dated a boy. and his world changed.

his name was kim yugyeom and he was perfect. jaemin fell in love instantaneously. the simple mention of his name was enough to make jaemin smile, when he laughed jaemin's heart soared, and when he cried, it ached.

they dated for one year, during which jaemin turned 17 and came out to his parents as gay. they were fully accepting, which was nice, but the happiness was short-lived.

yugyeom came to his house one day, a strange look in his eyes that made jaemin want to cry. he knew it was over with one glance— one pitiful, apologetic glance. yugyeom had fallen for someone else, a new boy from thailand. "i still want to be friends though, jaemin. you...you mean a lot to me."

jaemin broke down then, seeing through the lies yugyeom spoke to his face. he didn't love jaemin anymore. that's what it meant. he fell out of love.

the small, hopeful boy inside jaemin, the one who was constantly on the lookout for his soulmate, went quiet. all his faith, all his love was put into yugyeom, and he was crushed. seeing the person he loved walk around with his new man, seeing that his smile was infinitely brighter and his laugh was undeniably louder than it had been with him tore him apart.

jaemin decided that love is the worst thing that could ever happen to a person.

slowly, as time passed and jaemin grew more and more desperate to avoid love, his body became a hotel; a place where strangers could stay for a night, maybe two, and leave without any attachment. temporary comfort.

hell, he even flaunted his body for money, whatever it took to keep his mind off the loneliness that seeped in during the downtime.

he was okay with that. it worked, it kept him away from any and all emotional connections. he was protected, so long as things stayed this way.

in comes lee jeno.

falling for him was like those dreams where everything is okay until it isn't. until you're free-falling downwards at unimaginable speeds. the one's where you wake up, and you can still feel it tingling in your stomach.

he wasn't in love with jeno until he was.

and by that point, there was no turning back. even when he wasn't thinking about jeno, the feelings still lingered, giving him a buzz he couldn't escape no matter how hard he tried.

maybe he should've seen it coming. maybe the way little nana came back and whispered, "maybe it's him," one night, while jeno slept and jaemin simply watched, should've told him. maybe in the way he couldn't ever get enough of him, or how jeno made him feel more alive than he had ever felt. he should've known it was coming.

but he didn't. not until jeno called him last night, despite having blocked him merely a day prior, and mumbled, "look at the stars."

"why?" jaemin had asked as he pulled back the curtain.

"because now we're looking at the same sky, and that's close enough," jeno had replied, sighing. "we're close enough."

in that moment, as jeno hummed the tune to some unknown song, jaemin knew that he was entirely in love with him— and there was no way he could ever go back.

everything has changed, everything he has ever known and all he has ever been, has begun anew.

his past is behind him. the hurt, the pain, the mistakes, all of it is in the past. he refuses to go back again— he's moving on, towards his future, a happier future.

one he can only hope will include the boy he loves.

~
i actually really like this chapter whoops