∞worthless∞

chapter one - draining

I dipped one toe into the half warm bath water. I climbed into the bath of my dirty, crummy, tiny, damp apartment. I hadn’t paid the rent this month and they cut off my phone line and TV cable. The lukewarm water was just going to get colder than it already was. I may as well get in before it turned into something as freezing as the artic. I slid my cold body into the bathtub and soaked in the water for a few moments before using the last of the one pound shampoo I had stolen from my only friend’s house a month ago. Life sucked. For most people, you have your ups and downs in life but overall it’s pretty good. Not for me. Well, not since my husband ran off with another woman and had taken all our money with him. What a stupid, stupid, stupid girl I was for letting him buy the house we had always ‘dreamed’ of buying since we got engaged. Since he paid for it, it was his. Not ours. This meant everything we had ever really bought belonged to him; car, house and land. When he left me he simply chucked me out and left me on the streets. I didn’t have anything to call a job. I hadn’t needed one since he was a millionaire, I just lived my life happily, not thinking about what may happen in the future, just going with the flow.

 It was great, until that night he came home and said he had wanted nothing to do with me, that I was worthless and that he’d only married my because he thought I was going to make something of myself. I had told him that we could have kids about a year after we married but then realised I was in-fertile. That means even if I hadn’t got a job I could’ve been what I’d always wanted to be, a mother but now the results had come back saying I couldn’t even have a child. He had tried to get me a job in fashion but that failed. He said I’d make a good saleswoman but I hated that job. He said I could train as a nurse but no, I only managed one year of training then got so sick of it I couldn’t go on. I was a failure, a mess, no one wanted to know me, even look at me. I was disgusting.

If I pulled the plug on the bath now, I wouldn't see water flowing away down the pipes, I'd see my hopes and dreams being washed away, I'd see my old life, my ‘happy’ life, my life, with my perfect husband, house, friends and family.

Now all I see is grey.