They were lying down together on Jacob's bed. It was just enough that they weren't touching each other. Jacob has already argued that he's going to sleep on the couch. But now they were just silently in their own thoughts.
"Troye? When did you know you were gay?" Jacob asked randomly, as he turned his head to look at Troye. Troye blinked.
"Um... well since I was really little. I had always imagined you know like a girl's bathroom sign and then a big green tick on it. I dunno... and then when I was in high school, the thought of a girl kissing me was really wierd. But when I think about boys kissing me I feel better actually."
"And then I was 14 when I first realized I was gay. Like this thought was always in the back of my mind, but it wasn't until I was like 14 that, you know, um the word gay means something." He gulped.
"My family's all Christian, so they were kinda against the lgbts. I myself am a Christian too and well after realizing I was gay, I spent the whole night crying and felt really really sick. The next day I used a lot, a lot of soap to rub my skin until it hurts to, you know, scrub away the gayness. And uh, yeah...." he said, his eyes glossy.
"I'm fine with being gay now," he said.
"How did your parents react to you when you came out?" Troye asked Jacob, turning his body to face Jacob.
"Well... I'm very lucky to have supportive parents. They think that love conquers all and it's my life so I get to do what I like, I mean except drugs and those stuff y'know," Jacob winked. "How 'bout you?"
"My family did took it well, but um, they kinda treated me like a different Troye. They said they still loved me and understand my choices but they just, like the first week after I came out they treated me differently..." Troye said, bending his fingers again.
"Like, like they know my favorite food of all time is Mac and Cheese. It had always been Mac and Cheese, but the first week, they asked me what my favorite food was when we were eating at Spaghetti House, which is really really weird because back when I hadn't come out they ordered Mac and Cheese automatically for me," he continued.
"There's also a couple other things but, yeah," Troye said.
"I mean, everyone needs to adapt to these changes," Jacob said.
"I... I guess."
They were silent for a few minutes.
"Troye? Do you have a boyfriend?" Jacob asked. Troye didn't answer, but he faced away from Jacob. Jacob almost thought he hadn't heard his question.
"I.... there was this guy who..." Troye gulped. "Uh, nevermind," Troye muttered. "He was, um my first, and he um...." he bit his lip, and didn't continue.
And Jacob felt it. He saw how Troye's tears were threatening to fall. He heard how broken his voice was and felt how broken this boy really is. He could feel his walls crumbling down and underneath his cheerfulness is a deep and dark and sad void. And he knows there's a lot to Troye and Jacob has just skimmed the surface.
People say the happiest person are the saddest. They pretend to be happy to make people feel happy because they know what sadness and loneliness feels like.
Jacob snaked his arm around Troye's waist and held him tight to him. He could feel Troye gently quivering. "Shh, it's fine, you're okay..." he whispered soothing words to his ear.
They soon fell alseep on the bed together.
♡
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