Take a Shot

When You're Gone

I always needed time on my own,

I never thought I'd need you there when I cry.

And the days feel like years when I'm alone,

And the bed where you lie is made up on your side. 

    Such a damn cold night. Just when I thought I had fallen asleep, I long already knew I was still sitting there with eyes wide open. Like it never happened, no dreaming. But I knew that wasn't true. More images clouded my mind with each passing night as I let myself thoughts run wild while at this spot, building themselves up into its own story.

    I had always been someone who needed their space. I think to every moment when I pushed somebody away. I never needed anyone getting close to me. My brother was there for that kind of job anyway. He was the Italian brother everyone just absolutely adored, no matter what he did.

    But then my head sways this way and that, my curl bobbing in the same directions, and I find myself thinking vulnerable thoughts, longing for the space beside my bed to filled. For the extra spot on the couch to be there no more. For my blanket to not feel as big and empty. Another warm body, another soul, right next to me.

    A certain head of wavy brown Spanish hair that always gave a sense of warmth and security to me. And the shining garden green eyes to match. The soft skin that was the slightest bit darker than my own.

    I hated feeling this way but I love the sensation it gave me after thinking about it all.

    Everything I did reminded me of how much he would love to do the same and I turn to my side, blabbering on and fading my voice to only remind myself that he no longer stands nearby. And no matter what I do, the habit never breaks. It only gives me a tender routine to look forward to at each waking minute, even if I don't find a pot at the end of that rainbow.

When you walk away,

I count the steps that you take.

Do you see how much I need you right now? 

    Being around him so long, I unconsciously memorized everything I knew about him. The way he always kept the brightest smile on his face, even when it sounded like he was the most confused or most hurt. Just the way his forest eyes brighten at so many things because he knew just how to appreciate the little things life gave. How he actually cared and showed it though I wasn't one to be able to see it then. When he always found a way to say the right words, even if at the wrong time. The way he danced and how he tried to teach me, never giving up on my learning.

Never giving up on me.

When you're gone,

The pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone,

The face I came to know is missing, too.

When you're gone,

The words I need to hear to get me through the day,

And make it okay.

I miss you. 

    Lately, I throw my head back in frustration. I hold my hands beside it, atop my auburn hair and cover my ears. I fall to the wood floor of my house. Everything feels wrong. Everything is out of place. The lights are darker and the rooms get smaller. I can't take it. I'm not used to this. I'm used to something completely different. A lifestyle that I haven't lived through before, but I just know it's the right kind. It certainly isn't this. That life is nothing with a mind I hear throbbing or the face of a man I don't see with these hazel eyes. Not feeling the shadows of someone in the middle of night who isn't even there. Definitely not smelling the scent of a person who is nowhere to be found. Not tasting the blood of my cheeks that I bite so hard just to keep focus. Right now, I can't possibly be living the life I'm meant to. But maybe I am, I deserve this, don't I?

I've never felt this way before,

Everything that I do reminds me of you.

And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor,

And the smell just like you.

I love the things that you do.

 

When you walk away,

I count the steps that you take.

Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone,

The pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone,

The face I came to know is missing, too.

When you're gone,

The words I need to hear to get me through the day,

And make it okay.

I miss you. 

    I don't know how much longer I can take this. Everywhere I turn I'm faced with something that reminds me of him. Whether I'm cooking my food of some pastas or outside watching birds soar, flying toward the ocean. It's something as simple as the traffic light colors and I find myself diving into detail of what makes it related to the man. I pass shops and stop to look at all the fun little trinkets, thinking of the joy he always seems to have. Even if standing by me.

    And still that only leaves me to think of all my actions and all I've ever said. I never really did act grateful enough, I never did thank you. You would have appreciated such simple words. Even from me. I'm a fool.

We were made for each other,

Out here forever.

I know we were, yeah.

And all I ever wanted was for you to know,

Everything I do I give my heart and soul.

I can hardly breathe,

I need to feel you here with me, yeah.

 

When you're gone,

The pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone,

The face I came to know is missing, too.

When you're gone,

The words I need to hear to get me through the day,

And make it okay.

I miss you.

    And way back when, I was a young boy who ran through the city with barely anything but that small tomato basket and the little maid outfit I wore. I would walk to the pier and look to the endless sea I knew so well. I would smell the fresh breeze which always made me think of you. I would walk through the sand. I remember how I used to sit down by the beach, kicking my legs in the dark ocean below, waiting hours on end for the shadow of a ship in the distance and the silhouette of a man, a captain. The one with the dark wavy, smooth hair that fell all over his face perfectly and the sea green orbs that held excitement. When I wasn't lazy and did go down to wait, I stayed day to night, hours upon hours. The only companions I ever needed were the sea, the sky, the sun, the stars, and the moon. I knew that wherever you were, getting stories and adventures to tell me when you got back, we would be looking at the same sky and sea. The days grew and grew. The days grow and grow. Still I'm sitting on my favorite sparkling rock and kicking my legs in the water. You were the missing piece to my puzzle then. I believe you are now. I realize it's hard having that needed time on my own, I don't know how you do it and survive. Probably because you don't need me the way I need you. I still reserve that spot in my bed, that side still stays made and neat while mine is still a mess of folded over blankets and pillows.

    I'm still hoping for the silhouette of a man who won't ever return back to me, even on this damn cold night.

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Idea: Yes

*Which?: Songfic [When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne]

Pairing: Yes

*Which?: Spamano