The neon green numbers on the microwave clock glowed telling me it was 3am. The bus filled with a melody of various snores and heavy breaths. Rolling out of my bunk I grabbed my shoes and a hoodie before disappearing into the foggy early morning. The bitter cold took my breath away. We where playing in Nebraska in the middle of December. Pulling my hood up over my head I walked to the closest 7/11 I could find. Convenient stores at this time are like another world. It's completely empty. The only sound is the dull hum of the flouresent lighting and the heavy breathing of the 400ib man behind the counter. I grab a few rock stars before walking back to the front of the store and placing them on the sticky counter. "$4.57" He croaked out His breath smelled like the sewer. I handed him the money and walked back out into the fog
I walked around a few blocks the cold eating away at me through my jacket. By the time I made it back to the bus my hands where purple. Quietly I put my drinks in the fridge and settled down on the black leather couch in the front of the bus. My eyes burned but I couldn't sleep. Using my phone as a light I searched the floor for my backpack. Finding it safely tucked between Chris's duffel bag and my girlfriend Liz's bag I found it. Digging around in the left side pocket I pulled out the safety sealed orange bottle. Popping it open I downed two with a sip of grape flavored caffeine. My breakfast. I walked to the back of the bus, everyone was still asleep. I smiled looking into the bunk below mine. Liz looked like a princess, wrapped up in fluffy blankets surrounded by bat plushies. She was perfect.
I slipped back into the living room area and curled up on the couch picking up my iPad, the bright screen illuminating my face. Running my fingers through my tangled shoulder length black hair I opened my documents and started writing. I would spend hours like this in the dark. My eyes a mess of pale blue and blood shot red from caffeine and no sleep by morning. I loved having Liz and the guys by my side, but I loved moments when there was just me alone with my thoughts. I was supposed to be finished with Xanax by now, Liz had called my doctor last month when I tried drowning myself back home in my bathtub. This was my last bottle.
My mind went blank, I sat there staring at the screen until my eyes started to water from not blinking. I rubbed at them smearing the already messed up makeup I had forgotten to take off from that afternoon. Shutting off the screen I set the iPad to the side and layed on the couch. Shutting my eyes I tried to fall asleep.
In my head I could hear it. A whisper that haunted me "do it." It would say to me. The slowly healing wounds on my arms pulsing "do it." They would say louder the pulsing getting faster like some kind of rhythm just under my skin begging to be let out. "Alright." I whispered out to nothing. Taking the small pocket knife from my back pocket I flipped it open, the blade glowing in the dim light of the room. Pushing up my sleeves I brought it down across my inner wrist reopening the slowly healing porcelain flesh. I bit my lip trying to fight a slight moan. The feeling was intoxicating 24 lines of crimson laced up my arms. Staring down at the open flesh the voice stopped. "I hate you." I swore I heard it laugh. Pulling my sleeves down I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.
"God damn it not now!" I ran into the bathroom shutting the door with my foot. I've been dealing with stomach issues for about a year now. I stopped seeing doctors, I don't like strangers touching me. A half hour of getting sick, I could hear Liz just behind the door in the kitchen. She was making tea. "Again? " I heard Chris's raspy half asleep voice. As I went to start the shower. "I told him to lay off the rock stars." I heard her say before she tapped on the door to bring in a towel and my pjs. "Why didn't you wake me up? " she was leaning against the bathroom sink, I could see her silhouette through the shower curtain . "I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful. I'm alright babe I ran to the store." I finished my shower. Shutting off the water I wrapped a towel around my waist and got out.
"I know, I heard the door." I nodded while she spoke trying to get dressed without exposing my arms. She wouldn't be mad, but I hated seeing her upset. Pulling on sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt I brushed my teeth along with my hair. She didn't leave my side. She never did. I had the best girl in the world yet I'd go do stupid shit like this. Once I was finished getting cleaned up i kissed her forehead and went into the living area. Grabbing my tea I sat on the couch again. Chris must have went back to bed because it was just us now. Sipping my tea I scrolled through Netflix putting on a random episode of supernatural. Liz curled up next to me laying her head on my chest.
I held her close softly playing with her hair. Setting the tea cup down I settled into the couch. Her fingers tracing shapes on my stomach, I swear it was some kind of spell because whenever she did it the pain subsided. "Show me." Her tone was soft and gentle as she took my arms turning them to revile the deep cuts I had just made moments ago. Without hesitation she grabbed the first aid kit from the table next to the couch and began wrapping them. Pressing her lips against mine I held onto her tightly. "I tried to fight it. It wouldn't stop." I buried my face into her water lily scented hair. "It's okay." She whispered curling into me once again "we'll fight it together. Next time wake me up." I nodded as we watched the show.
