If You Can't See The Sign, Wait For It

necessity leads us to embarrassment as a choice

I couldn’t even think straight. Dad was in that big-ass accident and I have this terrible feeling for worrying my mind all day in pointless stuff while he was in pain. I gasped as we walked down the crowded hospital’s halls, I still couldn’t breathe properly. Mom grabbing my hand like I was a five years old again. We reached the third floor’s receptionist. The woman seems to be in her late forties, her tired eyes looked at us over her glasses that were dipping down over her beak-like nose.

“Ian Rose.” My mom blurted out desperately dad’s name without any other explanation. Her watery eyes and scratchy voice made the receptionist flinch.

“Are you immediate family?” She asked absentmindedly, adjusting her squared silver glasses and scrolling down through the old computer.

“I-,” mom swallowed, “I’m his wife and she’s our daughter.”

First she landed her dark eyes on mom and then on me, back to mom once more and, “Room 315.”

After maneuvering through many rooms and corridors we reached the wooden 315's door. Mom and I froze. I heard her heavy breathing and the squeak of the gold handle as she quietly twisted it, opening the door that leads us to my recumbent dad. As soon as we stepped in my heart ached, in a white bed with catheters, intravenous and bandages over his head was the man I’d die for. He was sleeping by what I could tell, gruffly I let go my mom’s hand and drawled myself to the laid body in front of me. Crouching, I stared at his face; it was calmed, relaxed, I haven’t seen him so in peace since long ago, his lips were dry and settled into a fine line, his face pale. I held his free hand and squeezed it lightly, “I’m here, dad.” I whispered to him.

I lowered my head next to his and all of a sudden dad’s heart beat increased and his body started to tremble, no, scratch that; his body was convulsing. I panicked meanwhile mom opened the cherry wooden door and yelled “help!” at the empty halls. In less than a minute the room filled with nurses and doctors. What was happening? The only thing I could see was the face that was so heavenly quiet mere seconds ago was now in heartbreaking endless pain shaking vigorously. He blinked, dad blinked and in between his convulsions, sobs and watery eyes I can tell he saw me. He saw me and handed his arm to me, I cried at the couple of cold strong arms that dragged me out of the room. I threw my hands trying to reach his; I hated those arms, the ones that were trying to take me away from my dad. Someone left my scared body in one of the metal chairs that were in the hallways. The same person sat beside me and I didn’t bother to know who it was, the overwhelming thought of maybe losing my dad got over me and I just buried my face in the shoulders next to me and started crying.

After I sobbed the last tears I realized that I was crying my heart out into some stranger I hadn’t even bothered to see the face. I looked up and my heart skipped a beat. My eyes widened in disbelief.  I was pretty sure that my face got pink. No, that wasn’t pink anymore; it was redder than it has ever been. Embarrassment sunk my heart to my feet.

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no. 

He gave me a reassuring smile. 

I looked down at my manicured toenails. The light nail polish was starting to rip off but it doesn't notice that much. They were embraced into dark brown sandals that fit perfectly with my old short jeans and t-shirt; it also makes my eyes look brighter.

"Hi, you're the coffee girl, right?"

The mentioned bright eyes bumped into his and I immediately regret it. His two aqua doors to the soul made me feel like I was in some kind of desert and that was the water I needed to fill up my thirst. You could swim endlessly and never be enough. After a moment I realized that I hadn't answered and felt the warm made its way up to my cheeks once again, knowing that on top of everything I had been staring.