Alone In Mind

My Head Is Underwater

I woke up, in my huge warm bed with sofa warm arms wrapped around my waist. Josh was snoring behind me, his warm face pressed into the nappe of my neck. I smiled, and slid away from his warm arms, the cold air nipping at my skin. The tips of my toes touched the cold wood floors in our bedroom. I walked slowly to the bathroom, turning on the light I saw myself in the mirror, my large pregnant belly sticking out from my tank top. Josh said that he liked the way I wore tight shirts on my huge belly, he liked seeing our baby. I rubbed my bump, and used the bathroom, then after I stripped my clothes off, and hopped into our huge shower, awhile ago with a group of friends Josh and I tested how many people fit in here, we got up to 6 before it was to cramped. I wrapped a soft fluffy towel around myself, walking back into our bedroom, Josh was sitting on the bed, typing on his phone. I smiled and walked over to him, he looked up when I was right in front of him, and he smiled. "Good morning beauty." His deep morning voice rang in my ears, all I could do was think of how sexy his voice really was. "Mornin'" I reply back, sitting on his lap holding the towel tight around me still. He kissed my neck sniffing my freshly cleaned skin, it made me blush, feeling his warm hands on me. "God I love the way you smell." His deep voice making me blush more red. "You always say that Josh." I said looking at him, my arms wrapped around his neck, and my legs straddled him, my towel still wrapped around me. "It's cause you do lu." Lu was always a name he called me, since high school, it made me roll my eyes in high school, because back then he was just some dumb jock, but now I can't get enough of him saying it. I got off his lap, and walked to the closet, slipping on underwear, and my bra, then my favorite pregnancy top, that said "I'm hungry." It was true I am hungry, I walked out of the closet, still slipping on a pair of grey yoga pants. Basically the only thing that fit me anymore. Josh was in the shower, so I thought i'd make us some brunch, since it was 12:30 already, he had work at 2 today so we had time. Before I got married I hated that word "brunch" It was such a mom thing to say, it made me angry for some reason, and now I say it more than I like to say anything. I made us some eggs and toast, with waffles. I ate while waiting for Josh, looking at my phone, my lock screen is a picture of Josh and I, giggling as we laid in bed. It was a cute picture. Josh walked out wearing his scrubbs he had to go to work in 30 minutes, so it was a quick meal, we talked about stupid things, mostly about our TV shows, we watch in bed. He left, gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and said "I love you" which I said back of course. He wouldn't be home until around 3 am. So I was alone all day. I was in the baby room, moving some toys around when I noticed a large red spot on my yoga pants. Blood. I gasped, and walked to the bathroom, pulling down my pants there was just more blood. Jesus so much blood. I didn't know what to do, so I just called my mother, who came over as soon as I said "blood" She right away took me to the hospital. The doctors rushed around me like mad men. I was shaking, and sweating, "I hadn't felt him kick" I thought, "Why isn't he kicking, he always kicks" I started sobbing. A few hours passed, and doctors running tests, nurses taking blood. Finally a doctor came in, he took off his hat, looking at me sadly. I knew what this was but my mind wouldn't let me think that. This wasn't happening. This isn't real. "I want Josh. I want Josh." I kept saying, "I-I WAN-WANT MY BABY!" I sobbed out screaming, my mother crying as well, held my hand tightly, It all happened so fast, the doctor said I still needed to birth the child, since I am to far along for them to just cut the baby out. They gave me drugs, making my water break. Soon enough they started saying "Push" So I did. The last push, I was supposed to hear my baby's cry. I was supposed to hear my son's cry. They took the baby over to a table, looking him over. I saw him, he was blue almost. He had bright blue eyes like Josh's and dark brown hair like mine. "Would you like to hold him?" A nurse asked, hold him, hold a dead baby. Hold my dead son. "N-no thank you." I whispered out. They took him away, then after hours of calling him, and hearing nothing, Josh walked in. "Lu, w-what happened?!" He said looking at me. "He-he's dead Josh." I whispered out again, it felt like if I talked to loud I would drown, I felt like my head was underwater, and I was barely floating. I couldn't think, I couldn't move. The pain of giving birth was nothing, nothing compared to what I felt now. I felt like someone had stabbed my chest a million times, and I was slowly dying from it. I didn't even notice days passed, I had left the hospital, and was just sitting in a chair in my living room. Weeks passed like this, I said nothing, I did nothing I slept in this chair, I barely moved. My mother would come over to help me take a shower, I would just cry every time I saw myself in the mirror, I still had the bump, but nothing was in there. 2 months had passed, and one day I got out of that chair in my living room, and walked into the baby room. It was dusty from no one going in it. I turned on the light, and the first thing that caught my eye was the beautiful oak wood crib, it was huge, and it had a bright blue blanket on the railing. I walked over running my hands over the blanket, my mother had gotten it for me. It was so soft, I knew he would love it. Tears ran down my face as I rubbed this blue blanket, I felt the pain come back. I ran out of the room, locking the door. I slid down the wall outside of the room, the cold wall pressing into my back. I sobbed into my knees. Thinking about that baby, his dark brown hair, his blue eyes. Why didn't I get to hear him cry, why didn't I get to see him move. I want my baby, I want my beautiful baby boy.