We are all blind

Emotions

Tired of just sitting still and listening to her siblings try to best each other in swordfights and target shooting, Sidsel decided to take a walk to stretch her own restless legs a little bit. She had told her siblings that she might pay Floki and Helga a visit before leaving them so they wouldn't worry too much about her taking a walk on her own. And she did plan on visiting them. It was always interesting to talk to the boatbuilder that some might call crazy. 

To her, Floki was a genius and a man who was deeply blessed by the gods. Helga was so warmhearted and compassionate to everyone around her. To just sit beside her while she tended to the fabrics of the sails or doing other chores was always seen as a blessing to Sidsel, but today she needed to talk to her about her feelings toward Ivar. She knew she had told Asta that she would talk to him as soon as she got the chance, but to talk to Helga who actually loved a man could be useful. Sidsel needed all the help she could get from the older woman that she respected so much.

Her thoughts got interrupted when a hand suddenly grasped her ankle. A bit panic struck, she squealed and hit the arm with her staff, earning an 'ow' from a voice she knew very well. 

"Ivar!" she yelled in his direction when she realized who had surprised her. "You scared me", she pouted. A laugh escaped the young man lips. 

"I couldn't help it", he said and didn't sound regretful at all. "You've got power in your hits", he continued, sounding impressed. Sidsel just scoffed at his words and started to walk in the direction she initially was walking in. 

"Wait, Sidsel!" he once again grabbed a hold of one of her ankles. She stopped so she wouldn't trip and raised her staff towards him in a warning, making him release his hold. He used his arms to get around after all so why would he want to injure them?

"What?" She asked, slightly annoyed that she had let him startle her. 

"I want to talk, come here", he prompted her, and she heard him starting to move. "I was actually going somewhere you know", she muttered, causing him to turn around and squint his eyes at her. 

"Can't it wait? I need to speak with you", he said with a slight urgency in his voice. She frowned at him but then leaned against her staff and sighed. "Fine", she said and followed him just a few feet from the trail she had been walking previously.

"What did you want to talk about?" Sidsel sat down beside Ivar when she heard him shuffling around with his legs as he usually did when sitting so they would be in front of him.

"Björn interrupted our hunting trip yesterday", he started. Sidsel nodded and leaned against the tree they were both sitting by. "You've heard about the settlement in England right? One of our warriors from England came to Kattegat recently and told my mother and Björn about how the Saxons had apparently destroyed the settlement as soon as my father had sailed away". Sidsel was stunned. All the years that had passed since Ragnar had disappeared the sons had wondered why he would leave just like that. Even after a defeat in the stories Sidsel had heard about him, Ragnar would bounce back so it has come as a surprise for everyone when he just left one day after he was defeated at Paris by his brother. 

"He knew", Sidsel said matter of factly after a long pause. She reached out with her hand towards Ivar, found his shoulder and followed his arm with her hand until she reached his hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. 

"This family might still be whole if he had just stuck to the raiding!" Ivar hissed between his teeth as his grip tightened, almost painfully, around Sidsel's hand. 

 "One day, I'm going to kill every last Saxon for destroying the settlement and for splitting up my family", he continued. Sidsel held his hand in a firm grip as she tried to make him calm down. "Breathe, Ivar", she whispered to him as he sounded a bit out of breath. She shifted her body a bit so she could calmly stroke his hand as she heard him take deep breaths. "It's okay to be angry, but you should save that anger for the day you meet those Saxons because that day will come", she reassured as she heard 'the time for revenge will come' echo in her head. 

She felt him relax after a while, her words sunk in. He knew his friend wasn't lying. He believed wholeheartedly that the gods were speaking to her, just as they gave his mother visions of the future. 

"The gods told you?" He asked just to get confirmation. As an answer, he got a Sidsel smiling brightly as ever towards him, a nod and a "yes". Everything to assure him that it will be so. He wasn't hearing her own worrying thoughts though. He couldn't see it on her face either as she kept her dark emotions hidden. I might lose you when your father returns. I might not be able to help you control your anger, your sorrow, your hurt. Don't die Ivar. Please. 

She hid her emotions well to comfort him as he processed the new knowledge his eldest brother had laid on him. 

Silence engulfed them yet again and Sidsel slowly released his hand to get up, but Ivar refused to let her go. Instead, he raised her hand until his lips touched her fingers in a featherlight kiss. Her thoughts stopped at the warm sensation slowly spreading from her hand and through her arm. 

"Stay", he whispered over her knuckles. "I need to... I was", she tried to come up with an excuse. She needed to talk to him about these new feelings she had started to feel towards him, but to lay them on him now didn't feel right after all the confusing emotions he was feeling about his father right now. Besides, she still wanted to talk to Helga about it.

"You don't want to spend time with me?" He questioned, sounding a bit hurt. "Of course I want to Ivar, but my brothers are here and I wanted to spend time with them", she said and tried to sound convincing. "So I heard, well, go ahead. I think you are hiding something from me though", he said. His voice sounded cold as he immediately let go of her hand. She raised a brow. "Why do you say that?" 

"You were going away from town, not towards where I saw your brothers before", he accused her. "Tell me, Sidsel - what are you hiding?"

She shook her head. "No, I can't tell you, not now - you need time". She took a shaky breath as she made an effort to stand, but Ivar took a hold of her arm, effectively stopping her motion. "No", she said firmly and he growled a little. "Did the gods tell you about my father? Will he return?" Sidsel felt how her mouth suddenly became very dry. "No, I can't tell you", she tried to pry herself out of his grip but he kept her there. She could feel his breath close to her neck and it made her shiver in both a good and a bad way all at the same time, confusing her to no end.

"Please Ivar, let go - it has nothing to do with your father", she said and tried to get away from him yet again. It didn't help. "Tell me what is wrong then", he almost growled in her ear. His grip was too strong and it got even tighter. 

"Ivar, you're hurting me!" She hissed as the pressure around her arm became too much for her to handle. At those words Ivar, finally, let her go. Sidsel was the last person, except his mother, he wanted to hurt. She meant too much. "I'm sorry Sidsel", he whispered. She didn't answer, just got up with her staff in hand and turned to the path that would lead her to Helga and Floki. "Calm down first and then I'll tell you what I need to tell you", she said and walked away, not waiting for a reply from him, just walking as quickly as she could without risking falling over something.