Will you remember ?

Falling for you

Hanging out everyday.
We used to laugh all day . Actually , it was you being so funny . You had so much . Actually , everything .
Funny , sexy , clever ... and never mine !
They say , the best things we will never get .
I can just agree now .
I actually never understood this.
Now I can even understand what they mean when they talk about love . Isn't this understanding love ? Or maybe just understanding . Whatever it is , it is .
I learned to not to try changing anything .
If things are fucked up , let 'em stay fucked up .And if you can , fuck them even more.
I just gave it up . After breaking up , I understood every lie . I just got a second throwback in my head hearing you say :''babe , I'm with Johnny . We hanging out , call you when I can ''
And now I know . For sure you didn't fuck Johnny .Putting everything on Johnny and shit . Now I know you was doing your thing .
Hanging with your bitch .
Sometimes I feel like I can't even write any story. My head so fucked up I won't make it .
You can't write a book this way . But it's getting me . Is taking me out . The story , yeah . The things you did .
But then , I just catch myself laughing at my own shit like yeah , it's good.
And I guess y'all are seeing that . I can't write this story just step by step. I'm always blaming the shit on you cause when I talk about how beautiful it was ,I remember you fucking everything up .
When you understand that nothing was actually as it seemed...
We were actually a long time together .
You used to fuck my head if someone would try to flirt with me . And they just said hi.
'' I was guilty ?''You told me I'm guilty for that . They did it , you blamed me .
I wouldn't call this love . That's why sometimes I think you did love me and sometimes its a question .
You're crazy , I swear.
I remember we were eating together , I was so happy . Going out , I was happy .
It was easy for you to make me happy .
Your presence made me happy .
My best friend ? I forgot she existing . Yes ,it's true . I didn't care about none .
They were gone . They didn't even exist . All I saw was you .
All I wanted and all I never had.
But fuck what I got . Throwback to what I had .
The beginning , I was looking at you and was thinking , why would god send me this man . He is so perfect . I just don't understand .
He respects me and loves me and never ever blamed me for nothing .
Everything changed . We were really happy .
Hanging out with your friends it was everything to see a lot of boys and knowing I got the best one .
Your best friend got you fucked up . He texted me wanting to know how I'm doing and you beat his ass .
That's why I sometimes think you loved me . Would I beat my best friend's ass for a boy I don't love ? No, I wouldn't .
You wouldn't too . So, why tripping ?
Whatever . Feels like I'm sitting here and reminiscing , trynna tell you and myself that I'm not missing him ... but as long as I'm reminiscing .. this tells me nothing but love .
Or would you write a book , a story for someone you don't give a fuck ?
I wouldn't too .
Feels like , when I wanna talk about you , I'm always coming out the story .
Telling something else again .
Is the first story I can write without thinking what to think .
Is just coming out . I know you want me now .
Kinda strange to imagine how we could be talking right now. If you wouldn't fuck up , we would be fighting right now .
Cause you would fuck up later.
And you probably would do anything to me and fuck my head. Today , right now , all the time .
I remember betraying my ass 2 days before my birthday. A special gift , thanks.
It was hm , the first time you betrayed me .
I mean , why deciding 2 days before my birthday . Was it cool ? Whatever it was , that was you . I guess , I just had to get to know you better for my birthday . But unfortunately, I just doubt it .
Everything came out after we broke up .
When they say love makes blind , it really does.
Lying my ass right in front of my eyes.
Crazy , ain't it ?
Some will say , it would be a really good book if I wouldn't blame the shit on you .
Well , what else in the story if I don't blame the shit on you .
You was the one doing everything you could to me so... a story won't hurt .
If I couldn't hurt you crying in front of you , telling you that when you go I will die and I will be alone and I won't get it , I don't think the story in a paper will hurt.
Is nothing man . Is just what you made . I am what you made .
On the one hand , you made me mature .
My family knows me as the one who's always offending . Using ‚‚ fuck, ass , shit ...'' all the time . ''And my daughter , this won't get you that far .''
Fuck what gets me far mom . I wanna get stucked here. I wanna die right in the moment if I can , and live my whole life like this . You understand ? Yeah , I just wanna freeze the time . No matter how we both are doing , as long as you stay . So freezing time would let you forever right beside me . Even if you want even if you don't .
I still offend but never did it in front of you .
You met another me. I always tried to be the women you told me you like . Just so that you will love me forever .
Or :'' just so that you would love me .''
It started with that . You didn't want to see me as often as ever .
You started the distance . I started wondering .
Where you are ? What you doing ? Why you not answering ?
Im doubting on this . What's happening to you ?
You feel so wrong . I can feel something happen and :''only god separate us .''
What ?
That's what you said . You lied to me .
I didn't know , no .
I just wanted a good word . Saying hi baby was enough .
Or just :' Baby ' , fuck that 'Hi'
Or maybe just answer . No matter how .
You answered so rare . You didn't have so much time .
I used to come at your house and knock all the time like:'let's hang out like we used to '
I knew there's something wrong , but you always used to tell me everything's ok and changed my mind.
What I don't understand is , why doing it ?
If you don't love me and if you don't care , why not letting me go ?
What did you exactly want ?
We used to hang out again .
I felt the coldness. I know I know .
We used to go at the same place we once were , everything so different .
I asked myself , what did I do now ?
But now I know , no matter what I would do , it wouldn't be enough for you.
You wouldn't be happy. Cause you weren't looking for what we had . You wanted career . You wanted to be somebody .
I didn't understand .
I didn't even know . Well , talking about the past all the time is boring .
But it's you . It was us . We were the light in the dark like the moon in the sky at night.
For you , we were just a broken car in the middle of the street .
I thought you are the one who has his head up and his feet on the ground , until I saw you flying .
Was it because I gave you love ?
Because I loved you that much ?
Nobody ever loved you like that ?
Why so complicated ? Love me back and let's get it.
You a man , yeah . I thought you are , yes .
I guess , if your voice would call me again , if you would say my name again , if you would just look at me again , I would fight against myself to keep on ignoring . I would make it . I swear I would . At the other side , I would let you .
But I can't , I won't . I need to be strong now .
I need to be here for myself .
I can even smell you from the distance .
Crazy yeah ?
I remember how I tore our pictures .
Looking at my smile and looking at your eyes thinking how could you .
Cried all night long . I dreamed of you .
I couldn't feel my face . I was stunned .
I forever kept it real. I would forever stay by your side .
The women you lost , is hard finding on someone else and hard getting back .
I just wanna know if it hurted ?
Did it ?
Did you feel anything when I whispered my last word on your ear .
I kissed you so good when you went .
You lost my direction .
I was shaking I didn't know where to go .
I was going home thinking , am I really letting go right now ?
It was so enough for me . After betraying me , hitting me , blaming everything on me ...
I loved you and I probably forever will , but I love myself too . I just woke up and was thinking wait , this shit shouldn't happen this way . It needs to stop.
I came right at you , planing everytime to tell your ass head to leave and never come back .
But you always used to hold me tight when we met and kiss my neck.
So I said , this kiss is way more worth it than myself .
I would just let everything happen for that one kiss .
The first time ? Was with you. I loved you touching me like I'm everything . Hated knowing I'm not .
I always denied . I pushed myself into this .
I didn't let myself tell the truth . Just shut up and believe a lie .
I remember waiting for the train , took your hat and put it all in your face . Kissing you slowly , knowing one day you'll let go .
Knowing one day I will be alone waiting for this train , going another direction .
You was everything . These feelings.
I knew you will go . You kissed me, I cried .
We had a deep talk .
You said I shouldn't be sad , I'm young I will find somebody.
I will be happy one day .
I hated him talking at me like a friend .
He changed everything . He made this relationship like this .
He changed it .
We were close . I was closer .
But I still was hoping , we will be what we were .
To be continued ====>